Part Witch, Part Traitor
by Kate Killu
Summary: Alexandrea, Daughter of Pelaguis and a slave witch woman from Egypt. Mixed blood, different from the Romans. This is her story. How she survives her servitude and meets the notrious Arthur. Can he and his knights help her or is she doomed to suffer?
1. Prologue

**Note:** I had to make a few changes so yeah that's about it. The date was wrong and a few other tidbits that had to change as things move on.

This is a true story. You can choose to believe it if you wish, I care not. All I care for is to tell my story for other generations to read of and to tell them the actual facts of their history and not the glorious events that men write to make themselves envied through history.

As time passes, I realize how stupid I was. It is odd that one does not realize their stupidity until they have already done it and had many years to reflect upon it. My father always told me that but I was too foolish to take his advice. Now I will never be able to ignore his advice. For he is dead.

_May Third, the year of Our Lord 464 A.D._

_Father is late yet again. Mother is furious with him. She worries a lot, Mother for she knows that Father is very unpopular with many of the noblemen. I sit and write this as she paces the room. Even in a panic she is beautiful. I wonder if I will be as beautiful as she is when I grow up. Father says I have her eyes and dark hair, but while her's shimmer like silk, mine is dull like the coat of a goat. She has beautiful tan skin, the mark of her people. Unfortunately, I did not inherit her coloring, but I do wish I had. She is so beautiful. I don't see why people have so many problems with her, they call her a witch. She's not witch, they're just jealous..._

I remember the day they came and took him. The emissaries of the Pope himself. We were sitting down to dinner; Mother was doing her usual fretting while Father told her how perfect everything was. Mother smiled. I loved Mother's smiles; they lit up the room and made everyone else want to smile. My parents loved each other, that was definite for Mother was a slave before she met Father. She came from the dark people in Egypt. Father found her being beaten and saved her.

Their tale is rather a romantic one but that is one that will be told some other time in some other document.

Mother feared for father's life most of the time, for he was an idealist, and to put it frankly, idealism is dangerous. My father, Pelagius, taught that all men were equal in the eyes of God, but the noblemen did not see it that way for they believed that people were born to serve them. This idea they showed many times. One that Father had the hardest time dealing with was the custom of taking young boys from their homes and forcing them to give their lives to the Roman cause, even if it were not their own. Many of the boys died within the first few years of their servitude.

One of Father's students was such knight, but one that did it for his father was one. He had not seen this student since he left Britain and started his quest to teach equality among men but he still spoke of him as if they parted yesterday. When I was younger, I harbored jealousy towards this Arthur, but I realized that Father did not love me less and so I was fine with his talk of the knight Arthur.

In his teaching of equality, Father had managed to get many people angry with him. It was from such people that came to take Father.

They came to a door, a group of twenty armed men, under the Pope's flag. They demanded Father's cooperation and took him to the capital. A few days later they came back; this time for me. Mother fought to keep me, but they overpowered her and arrested her for assaulting a Roman officer.

_May Fourth, the year of Our Lord 464 A.D._

_They took him. They took Father! Mother is in hysteria. What am I to do? There is no one, no one. All the servants deserted us after the Roman soldiers came. Even Max left, Max. Max said he'd never leave me. I wish I could cry, but if I do, Mother would break down even more than she is now and Father told me to be strong for her sake. So I will not cry, I will not. I mustn't, I mustn't cry. Crying is for girls not young women. I will not be a little girl and cry. I won't, I won't…_

At the capital, I watched the trials of my parents. Father convicted of heresy and Mother for witchcraft. Mother's trial was resolved much sooner then Father's, and she hung for her deed. All the while, they made me watch as they broke Father and killed Mother. I still see her swinging as her last breaths of life were squeezed from her. At the news of Mother's death, something left Father, and his strength left him. Following his last court hearing, he was excommunicated from the Church and banished.

_June First, the year of Our Lord 464 A.D._

_Such monsters! They killed Mother, they killed her! Father took her death hard and they won. He is broken and they know he is. He was placed with a decision; to fight and die or to surrender and live. I thought he would fight to the death but instead he chose surrender. _

_In his act of surrender, he was excommunicated from the Church and banished. I thought I would go with him, but as he left today, the Roman guard locked me in my room. I am scared. What is it that they have planned now? Am I to die like Mother? What use could they possibly have for me?_

They kept me imprisoned, making Father carry on alone. I wondered why they kept me alive, for I was the daughter of a traitor and a witch, as the rumor started about Mother shortly after her and Father married. I soon found the answer. They had other plans for me. I, Alexandrea, was to be a pawn of the people I hated most.

_July Fifth, the year of Our Lord 464 A.D._

_Today I have made a discovery. The Pope had made arrangements for me to marry his favorite godson, Alecto. It is odd that I would marry him for I am a disgrace. There must be something more to this than meets the eye and I am going to find out what it is. _

Soon after Father left, I discovered that they had arranged my marriage to the son of a powerful lord in Britain, the fact that the son was the Pope's favorite godchild made the match an odd one. Why would the Pope engage his favorite godchild to a mixed-blooded daughter of a slave?

_August Second, the year of Our Lord 464 A.D._

_We set sail today. Unfortunately, that dreadful Bishop Germanius is my escort. He tells me that if I behave no harm shall come to me. I think I will be good, for now at least, for I don't fancy taking a swim. _

_The word on the ship is that once we touch down on Britain, we shall ride to a fort where the commander and his knights shall escort us to the home of Marius Honorius, my future father-in-law. I watch my surroundings with great attention to details for I will remember this and write it down later. _

The arrangements were made for me to sail to Britain and spend a few years in my future husband's home before we were married. In August, I sailed in the company of Bishop Germanius. I loathed the Bishop for he was the main accuser of Father's and he pushed for Mother's execution. I do believe that his hatred for my parents must have been from long ago, for, as Mother told me, he was one of her owners, I think it was he that Father took her from. I'm not sure but it made more sense to me then to why he wanted them dead.

Once we touched ground, we made our way towards Hadrian's Wall where the end of one life was final the start of another began.


	2. Chapter 1

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews! I have never had so many on the first chapter, it gives me hope. Ok, so I have been messing with the way that I am actually going to tell the story. To write the entire story like the prologue proves to be diffucult to continue on writing and I fear it might be a bit confusing in some points. So let me know how you like this format for the actual tale. Thanks.

_"I can see why Father liked him so; he is a very noble man. If I had been born a boy, I would have chosen to be like him…"_

_Written about Arthur by Alexandrea in her journal_

I sit in the carriage. To my luck there were two carriages waiting when we docked; one for me and one for the Bishop. I would have died if I had to share a carriage for three days with the Bishop. I watch the green scenery slip past me through the small window in my carriage. Britain is a rather beautiful country, perhaps I can grow to like it here.

My mind wanders to other matters, such as what Father is doing at this precise moment. I hope he's well. I wonder about my future husband. Would he be a man worth marrying like Father? If I had things my way I would not marry at all but we women do not really have a choice on that matter.

After a few days of riding in silence, we finally reach a fort and a wall. Hadrian's Wall, the place where one life will end and another begin. We stop at the fort and are met by the resident knight-commander.

"Artorious, the image of your father," the Bishop greets the man.

The man bows and says, "I trust you had a safe journey Bishop Germanius."

"Quite safe."

"How may I be of service?" I look at the Bishop through a crack in the curtain. He smiles at the man and walks out of my view. I turn my gaze and see the man he speaks to. As I inspect his face, I realize that this is Father's Arthur. I take a closer look at him. He is not very handsome, but there is something about him that draws one's eye to him.

"I will be in need your services as escort to this train to the home of Marius Honorius."

"What might it be that we are escorting, if I'm at liberty to ask."

The Bishop pauses, as if to debating wither or not he can trust him. He decides to trust him, for the door opens and a hand reaches in to help me out of the carriage. Clumsily, I fall out of the carriage. "This lady is on her way to the home of her betrothed, Alecto Honorius, the Pope's favorite godson." I curtsy and bow my head as mother taught me to do whenever in public, it is a good way to be mistaken as shy when one did not wish to be confronted.

"Milady," the man says and bows. I steal a look at him. He is tall and serious. I can see Father in him, the set chin, determined look. He defiantly spent time with Father when he was here.

After a few more minutes of talking, Arthur leads us into the fort. I follow behind him and the Bishop, trying to hide in the shadows and blend in with my surroundings. I listen to their discussion, but I pretend not to have the slightest clue to what they are talking about. Apparently, the Bishop will not be accompanying me to Marius Honorius' and instead he will be returning to Rome. He tells Arthur he has great faith in him and knows that he shall take care of me well.

My heart soars at the news. I would finally be free of my enemy's grasp to do as I please. Not that I could actually do anything, but the thought of not seeing the Bishop for a long time does brighten things up. We come to a room where there is a round table and ten-odd-some knights sitting around it. The Bishop shock is apparent and I smile for I find that I thoroughly enjoy any discomfort the Bishop suffers.

As we enter, all the knights stand up. The Bishop seems pleased with that, but I have a feeling they were not rising for his benefit. All eyes turn to me as I enter the room. I bow my head and curtsy. They bow in return. Until now, I had been completely forgotten by the Bishop. He turns to me and pulls me forward. A servant pulls a chair back for me and I sit down. The knights' gaze still hasn't let me. I feel a bit embarrassed, for I do not like having people look at me. At home, I could go for days unnoticed and it was glorious for when one is not noticed one can to numerous things that would have otherwise been prohibited.

The Bishop notices the knights' attention and tries his best to take it away, for he is not about to be overshadowed by the traitorous daughter of a witch. "Arthur's knights, it is an honor to meet you," he starts. Arthur clears his throat which signals his knights to pay attention to the Bishop. The Bishop is pleased and continues, "The Pope hears a great many things about you and prays for your souls each holyday." The knights give him a curt nod, but it is easy to tell they are not impressed at the mention of the Pope. Most of them are probably not Christian and saw the Pope as the man that enslaved them.

The Bishop drones on. Mainly about how glorious the Church is. His audience is lost at the name of Christ and soon he is just talking to himself, for the knights seem to have just tuned him out. After a while, he realizes that he's audience is lost and ends his sermon. He turns to Arthur and says, "I have many things I must discuss with you. Is there some place where we can speak in private?"

"Yes, Bishop, my quarters will serve well."

"Good, and about the lady…"

"Fear not Bishop, my men shall keep a close eye on her and make sure no harm comes to her while we have our discussion."

The Bishop looks at the knights, "Are you sure they are trustworthy?"

"Bishop, I would trust these men with my life."

"No offence, but a pretty woman can bring out the worst in men. Beauty in women is a sin and should be punished for it corrupts men."

"Have no fear for her virtue. My men would never take advantage of a lady."

The Bishop takes one last look at the knights before he follows Arthur out of the room. I find myself in a room with ten knights staring at me. I look at them and say, "Hello." I receive silence as an answer. "I'm Alexandrea," I continue. Silence.

Finally, one of the knights reply, "Hello, milady, I'm Sir Gawain."

"Hello."

"I'm Sir Galahad."

"I'm Bors and this hears Dagonet." All the knights give their names and I nod at them. I run their names through my mind: Gawain, Galahad, Bors, Dagonet, Lancelot, Tristan, Liam, Kently, Kay, and Connor.

"It is an honor to meet you," I say nicely, like the court ladies in Rome. I wonder how long my lady act can last. Mother always said I would never make a lady and I could only pretend to be one for so long before my charade is found out. I keep reminding myself that I must behave or else the Bishop might decide to continue on the journey with me and I do not want that to happen.

There is very little talk after we introduce ourselves, and we sit in an uncomfortable silence. The knights are on one half of the circle and I sit alone directly across from them. They whisper and murmur among themselves, but none of them address me. Finally, after what seems like hours, the Bishop and Arthur return and the final arrangements are made. Arthur would take his knights and escort me to my new home while the Roman soldiers supplied so far would return with the Bishop to Rome.

That night, the Bishop receives Arthur's quarters and I am directed to another, smaller room. As I prepare for sleep I wonder which knight usually occupies this room. I climb into the bed and sigh. I have no idea what lies ahead of me, and I pray that the Fates will be kind in their fate for me.


	3. Chapter 2

Note: Thanks for the reviews. Here is another chapter. It's not very good but it's something. Let me know what thoughts are floating about in your head. Thanks.

"_Of all the knights, so far I have only been able to get one to converse with me. The blonde knight, Gawain, speaks with me while his companions will not and I am thouroughly frustrated with the fact they seem to treat me like an object instead of a person. I know they can speak for I hear them joking about when they are together…"_

_Written by Alexandrea about her journey_

I stand off to the side as the Bishop prepares for his return journey. I can barely contain my happiness. The carriage is ready and all of the Bishops effects have been gathered. He gives Arthur a few final instructions and then he, and his men, leaves. A smile creeps across my face as I watch him go. At last, I am free. I turn to the knights, who stand in formation for the benefit of the Bishop and smile at them. I feel as if I could fly, if only I had wings.

Arthur approaches me and says, "We will be ready to leave in a few hours, is there anything you require?"

I shake my head and turn to go when an idea pops into my head. "Commander," I start. He looks at me attentively. "Would it be possible for me to ride there?"

He looks at me and asks, "Pardon me?"

"Ride, a mount?"

He shakes his head. "I don't think that would be a good idea. There are many dangers out in the wild. It would be safer for you to ride in the carriage."

My temper flares. "I fear no danger, sir. I lived at court; court is more dangerous than the wild."

"My lady, I am charged with your safety."

"What harm can I come to?"

"There are Woads, ravage beasts…" He lists many other things, probably overstated to make me scared, but my interest sparks at the mention of Woads.

"Woads?" I interrupt him. "What are Woads?"

"They are blue demons who hate Romans," one of the knight's states, I think he's name is Bors.

I am very annoyed. Just because I'm a girl they think it's too dangerous for me to ride. I turn to Bors and say, "Well it's a good thing I'm not one." I walk a way. I laugh at the thought of their reactions.

As promised, they are ready to leave and I am crammed into the carriage once more. Dutifully, they ride in a protective circle around my carriage. Occasionally, I peek out to see who is closest and pick and choose one to start a conversation with. I think my best bet will be Gawain for he was the first to speak to me the night before.

My chance comes and I jump on it. I spy Gawain riding to the right of the carriage on his white horse. I draw back the curtain and say, "Hello, Sir Gawain."

He nods courteously at me but does not say anything else. I gnaw on my bottom lip, a bad habit of mine, Mother was always trying to cure me of it, and ponder of ways to get him to speak, the ride is so boring and I am sure I cannot handle the silence. I wonder at why I cannot seem to get these knights to speak to me; at home all the servants spoke to me and I even made friends with many of them. Determined not to be ignored, I speak again. "Sir Gawain, a man of few words I suspect."

He looks at me and I smile, a look is something. "This country is exactly as my father described it. 'Green, beautiful, yet unforgiving and cursed.'"

He looks at me and smiles, "Your father has that right. He sounds like he's lived here."

I have him. "He did, about twelve years ago. This is where he met my mother."

"Your mother, and was she a native?"

"No, she was a…" I stop. Should I tell them? Gawain looks at me oddly and I decide that it couldn't do any harm, after all they are dead. Mother always did get mad at me for telling that she was once a slave, but she wouldn't care, she had other things to do now. "She was a slave. My father saved her from the ownership of a mean hearted man, I can't remember his name, but he had a holding in this country. She was of the dark people to the south, Egyptian."

All the while I tell my mother's story, Gawain nods here and there. I think he can relate to the slave part, for he is practically one himself. "Where is she now?" he asks politely.

My smile falls and I suddenly don't want to talk any more. Gawain notices and apologizes, "Forgive me if I said anything wrong."

I fake a smile and say, "No, it was nothing you said, it's just memories."

He looks confused, so I continue, "She's dead."

He gives me his most sincere apologies and grows silent. I don't want to talk anymore and close to curtain to think. I thought I had come to terms with Mother's death, but even the threat of mentioning her still makes me feel like crying, but I won't cry for Father always said warriors never cry and I am a warrior, a warrior against idiotic fools like the Bishop.

My thoughts stray to Father and I feel the emptiness inside me grow. I hate this feeling. At home, I never felt this way, I always had people to talk to and a few friends; of course there was Mother and Father. Here I have no one, no Mother, no Father, no Conn, no Max, I am completely alone.

I stew in my thoughts for a while until I hear voice outside my carriage. I recognize the voice to be Arthur's. "How is she?" he asks quietly.

"I think she sleeps," I hear Gawain reply.

I close my eyes and pretend to sleep as I hear them ride closer to the carriage. I feel light fall on me as they pull the curtain up to see if I am awake. I seem to have fooled them and they let the curtain fall and continue on talking.

"What do you think of her, Arthur?" Gawain asks.

"I don't know," comes Arthur's reply. "She is different."

"I know what you mean. I mean, she is a Roman court-lady but she does not behave like the Bishop did."

"Is that all that's bothering you about that?" Arthur asks.

"No," Gawain pauses. "How much do you know about her?"

Arthur sighs, "Nothing, besides she's to be married to Marius Honorius's son Alecto, or so that is what I am told."

"What do you mean? You don't believe that she's to marry this Alecto?" another voice asks. I can't identify the voice.

"That's exactly what I mean Galahad."

"What makes you think that?" Gawain asks.

"If I am informed correctly, Alecto is the Pope's favorite grandchild, and he is said to be the next in line for Pope. If that is so, he cannot marry so why send him a wife?"

All is silent. I hold my breath; Arthur has a point. I lean closer to the window and wait for more to be said. "Perhaps your sources are wrong," Galahad suggests.

"I hope so, for I cannot even imagine what else could lie in store for this girl."

"Arthur," Gawain starts. "The girl told me that her mother was a slave and that her father took her out of the care of an abusive master who use to live here. I thought that was odd."

"Where is the mother?" Arthur asked. "If we could find her perhaps we could clear things up."

"Arthur, why is it that you must protect every creature that passes your way," a new voice chides. "You don't have to protect this girl. Everything is settled. She is getting married to a lord and will probably live happily ever after, producing sons to enslave our sons."

"Lancelot, why must you always look on the bleak side of things?" Galahad retorts. "Arthur does not have to answer to you."

"Thank you Galahad, but I shall answer his question. I do this because I was taught that it is my duty to protect those that cannot protect themselves. This girl is going into untold dangers and I cannot help but feel responsible for her. If there is anything I can do to help her I will."

"You and your chivalrous ideas, they make me sick," Lancelot says.

"Well, to each his own," Arthur retorts. My mind is racing as I listen. Could my initial feelings be right? Do I have something to fear? I push them to the back of my mind and listen some more.

They obviously spoke when I was thinking, for I hear, "Her mother's dead."

There is a silence. "How do you know?" Arthur asks.

"She told me. It was odd, before the topic of her mother came up she was all talkative, and then I begin to ask questions about her mother and father and she grew silent and closed the curtain. It was as if she was sad about something."

"Very odd indeed," Arthur muses. "How about her father?"

"The conversation did not last that long. All I got about her father was that he lived her twelve years ago and a quote about here: 'Green, beautiful, yet unforgiving and cursed.' When she grew silent, I asked if it was anything I said and she said it was just memories. I would say a lot of unhappy ones to make her behave like that."

"A mystery," Galahad jokes.

"We should find more about her, at least try anyway," Gawain remarks.

"I cannot believe you, let's just get her to her destination alive and get us back alive," Lancelot growls.

"You can do what you wish, Lancelot, I am going to try and find out more though," Arthur replies. They all fall silent. I wait for them to say more but they don't so I sit up and peek out the window. They have shifted formation; Lancelot now rides outside my window. I close the curtain highly disappointed. I had hoped to find one of the others there, then perhaps I could tell them what they wanted to know, I have to tell someone for if I hold it in any longer I will go insane.


	4. Chapter 3

**Note: **I found some things that conflicted with later chapters and so I fixed them.

"_I am now plagued with more memories. It's as if they were waiting for the right time to swamp me. They all come at once. Memories, some I haven't even thought of for a long time. Memories I would have wished to forget…"_

_Written by Alexandrea in her Journal_

We stop for camp as the sun settles itself down in the west. It has been a very boring day. Lancelot has ridden beside my carriage for the last part of the journey and so I did not have the chance to speak with anyone. I climb out of my carriage and look around me. We are in a grassy glen, next to some trees and a small river. I smile, I am dying for some way to cool down, sitting in the carriage with its curtains drawn is very hot and stuffy. I glance around me, the knights are all going about their own business, I think I can slip away later if I plan things just right.

The knights go about their chores, building fires, setting up a perimeter, and preparing the evening meal. I sit off to the side, watching the activities seeming they will not allow me to participate. My mind wanders to the past. I remember what it was like at home on evenings like this. We would sit in the courtyard, Mother, Father, and I. Some of the servants would join up here and there. The most common visitors were Conn and Max, two of the stable hands and my friends since childhood. We would sit around and just talk, Mother and Father to each other and I with the stable boys.

Conn and Max were a few years older then me, handsome, and cousins. When we were younger, we would roam the village and take on the village children. We were inseparable, at least until I was twelve and Mother thought it was not proper for a young lady to run around with stable hands. We still met in secret; whenever we had free moments we would meet in the stables and go riding, just to escape our worlds that were changing so fast around us that we barely had time to catch our breaths. Our rides were the highlight of my days and I thought I could live like this, and everything changed again.

My mind comes back to present when one of the knights places a plate of food before me. I smile and thank him as I take the plate into my hands. I look at my food; it is a travel stew with hard bread. I take a small nibble and then devour it. It has an interesting flavor and smells wonderful. When I am done, I look around to see the knights all staring at me. I blush slightly and put the plate down.

When the meal is done, the knights set up their watches and then settle down for sleep. I find a bed roll and hide it in the carriage. They insist that I sleep in there for it is protected and would be much more comfortable. I pretend to comply with their wishes, but if they think I will sleep in the stuffy carriage on such a beautiful night, they are wrong.

I wait until I am sure they are a sleep and the watchmen are gone before I slip out of the carriage. I grab the bed roll and a blanket and then edge my way around the camp and towards the river. Once I am at the river, I begin to disrobe until all I am standing in my undergarments. I look at my reflection in the water and laugh silently to myself. I looked like a little girl, not a young woman. Slowly, I walk into the water. It freezes my blood and I am frozen. Shivers run up and down my spine and my flesh is covered in bumps. Mustering my courage, I take a deep breath and plunge into the rivers dark icy depths.

A thousand pins prick my skin and my breath is pulled out of me. I break through the glassy surface and gasp for breath; I hadn't expected it to be this cold. Holding my breath, I wait until my body adjusts to the temperature. I hear a chuckle from shore and I jump.

"Calm down, it's only us," a voice calls out. I look towards shore and see Gawain and another knight sitting there by my discarded gown and blanket.

"What are you doing?" I ask, trying to cover up my embarrassment for being caught in my undergarments in icy water.

"We were wondering the same exact thing," the other knight replies.

"I was just taking a swim."

"Oh, is that right? Just taking a swim in the middle of the night, in icy water, in your underclothes no less. Is the proper lady-like behavior?" the other knight asks sarcastically.

"Tristan, behave," Gawain tells his companion. I look at the knight called Tristan. He is the scout and has always been gone since the start of the journey so I had not had the pleasure to speak with him yet, but at the precise moment I am not at all thrilled with speaking with him.

"Well," I start, trying to muster as much dignity as I can. "I could not possibly go swimming bare and so I had to use something. As to the middle of the night, I could not sleep and thought the cool water would clear my head."

"Would that be before or after you caught cold?" Tristan asks.

I glare at them. "If you are going to poke fun, I suggest you go on your way and leave me alone."

Gawain holds up his hands as if to call a truce, "Forgive us, milady, we mean not to insult you."

I look at them; they seem sincere. "Very well, now turn around so I can get out." They obey and I climb out of and wrap myself in the blanket I brought with me, eagerly accepting its warmth. Once I am completely covered, they turn back around. I shiver as a light breeze entwines itself in my wet hair.

"Are you cold, milady, we can get another blanket," Gawain offers.

"No, I'm fine. And its Alexandrea or Alexa, just quit calling me 'milady', it makes me feel out of place."

"As you wish, mi…Alexandrea." I smile at him. I am getting through to him.

Tristan gets up and says, "Well, I'm going to make another sweep of the perimeter. I'll be back."

We watch him walk away. I stare at the ground and he looks around us. "My father loved it here," I mutter.

Gawain looks at me and asks, "What do you mean?"

"He stayed here even after he met my mother. Three years he stayed after he sent her to his estate in Rome. My mother always worried about him while he was here."

Gawain looks at me confused. "What are you talking about?"

"What, oh, please forgive me; sometimes I just say things out loud to myself. It's a bad habit."

"No, there is nothing to forgive." He looks at me as if waiting for me to explain what I had said. I sigh. I had wanted someone to talk to; I might as well talk now that I have one.

"My father lived here, as I mentioned previous, and he saved my mother. They lived here for a year and then my father thought it was best that she lived in the safety of his family estate in Rome where she would be well protected. My father stayed behind to help with some villages and teach some of the future commanders a few ideas. He spent three years teaching, not knowing that I had been born, if he had known about me he would have returned sooner.

"He came home and found me and my mother. He was overjoyed to discover me. We lived happily on his family farm. Unfortunately, he thought it was his duty to continue one teaching his ideas and began to take on the high Roman officials. They did not like that and they…" I stop. I cannot tell him. It is much harder than I thought. If it were Conn or Max perhaps I could but not to this knight that I had just met, I am not ready yet.

"Forgive me, I cannot go on."

He looks at me and then replies, "That's alright, milady, if you do ever want to talk, you can talk to me."

"Thank you, that is comforting to know." I have no will to talk anymore and pick up my dress and walk back to the carriage. Someday, someday they will know; if not them then someone. I climb back into the carriage and pull my dress back on. I think of Mother, I think of Father, I think of what life use to be like. I wish things were the way they were, but I know that it will never be. I roll up in my blanket and wait for sleep.

Sleep is elusive and instead of dreams, memories plague me. I am back home, going on a ride with Conn and Max. They were arguing about some village lass they have both pursued, not knowing that the lass he was hunting was the same. I sit quietly, I have gotten used to their bickering.

We come to our childhood hide out and let the horses graze. The boys strip down to their trousers and leap into the pond, screaming as they hit the water. I inspect them and notice the subtle changes their bodies began. They were beginning to thicken out and muscle up. I notice the small patches of hair growing on their chests. I blush and avert my eyes; it is not proper lady like behavior to look at the opposite gender in such detail.

They call for me to join them, but I shake my head. They were not the only ones to go through changes. I turn and sit off by myself as they swim. To them, I am still the little girl they ran around with, and I begin to wonder if that is all I ever be to them. They begin to plague me and are soon out trying to pull me into the water. We all fall in in a great heap and resurface, laughing.

I am pulled down by my skirts and they have to pull be back to shore. I am angry with them for Mother will have my hide for ruining another gown. I scream at them and they smile and then they stop. I look at them ask, "What's wrong?"

"Y…Y…" stutters Conn.

"What?"

"When did you become a girl?" Max spits out.

"Become a girl? I've always been one!" I exclaim. They turn red and turn their eyes away from me. I look at myself in the water, trying to fix my hair when I notice that my bodice sticks to me like a second skin. I turn a bright red as Conn offers me his jacket. I take it and we make our way home. After that they began to treat me differently, tripping over themselves whenever I was around. I never understood why they did that.

I am brought back to the present by a nickering horse near by. It is odd that this memory would choose to surface, but I still smile as I remember the looks on their faces. Thinking about them makes me homesick and I try my best to turn my mind away from memories, from the past. It is over now, all of it, there is no need to remember it, no need to at all. My chest tightens as I remember how they all deserted us when they took Father. Everyone, Max and everyone else. I should not miss them; I will not miss them. They don't think of me and I won't think of them.

Angrily, I toss and turn, angry more at myself for my petty hatred to my friends. It was not their fault they left, perhaps they had to leave, perhaps they were forced to leave. I don't know the reason, but I will not hate them, at least not forever.

I close my eyes and this time sleep claims me and I drift off. As I drift off, I see the knights and then Mother and Father and Conn and Max. To tired to think about things, I let my mind rest and sleep.


	5. Chapter 4

**Note:** Thanks for all the reviews! Just to let you know, I probably won't be able to update for atleast a week and a half to two. Sorry to put you on hold for that long but I am going on a trip. I hope you like it. Let me know what you think. I was wondering if the way the flashbacks are done in are okay or is it too confusion? Let me know about that or anything else you think of. Thanks and I promise to update asap when I get back. Have a nice week.

"_They treate me as if I will break. I will not. I hate it. They are polite but I don't want polite, I want someone to talk to. Someone to laugh with. A friend…"_

_Written about the knights in Alexandrea's Journal_

I wake to the sound of clashing metal. Slowly, I pull myself up and peer through the window. The knights are breaking camp, well most of them are, Galahad and Gawain are having a little duel with each other. I smile as I watch them parry and block; they are children at heart. I change my dress and climb out of the carriage. As soon as I emerge, the knight stop what they are doing and they all look at me. I blush slightly, so much attention makes me nervous, and I try my best to be graceful as I head towards the river to clean up.

I wash my face and try to tame my hair when Arthur approaches me. "Milady, we will be leaving momentarily."

I smile and say, "Thank you, I shall not be long." He nods and walks away. I finish pinning up my hair and inspect my reflection. I am no beauty but I will do. I don't even know why I put forth the effort to do my hair. It would just be a pile of knots before the day is done. It's probably habit that's all; Mother always made me do my hair.

Once satisfied, I walk back to the camp. Everything is cleaned up and the knights are preparing their mounts. I look for Arthur and attempt, yet again, to get him to allow me to ride to day. "Sir, might I ride today? The air would do me some good."

He looks at me for a moment and then asks, "Do you not think you would be more comfortable in the carriage?"

"I would like to ride, it that would be possible. I have spent so much time in the carriage, I'm growing restless."

He sighs, "Very well milady, on the condition that you stay within the protective circle of my men and do as I tell you."

"You have my word, and if I grow tired, I will go back to the carriage and not hinder you."

"Very well. Go to Bors and he will get you a horse." I smile and thank him as I walk away. At last, I will finally get to ride. If I spend another day in the stuffy carriage I would die.

I find Bors and he finds me a mount. It is a dull, lifeless mare, the one the used for baggage. I am not at all pleased with her and it insults me that they do not think me capable to ride a spirited animal, but I cannot blame them, it is their job to get me to Marius's home alive and they are probably going about it as well as they know how to. I thank him for the horse and allow him to help me up.

The animal plods slowly along. I miss Apollo. He and I were one. How I wish I was on him, he and I could fly. I think of all the races we had won against Conn and Max. They never understood how I always won, but I did, Apollo and I were made for each other. It was as if he could read my thoughts and I could read his. Together we were unbeatable. It was a common site to see us flying through the fields, a black horse with two manes. I suppress the urge to let down my locks and let the wind dance with them. I must behave or I might be placed into the carriage again.

The knights continue their rotating circle around me. Tristan rides a head to scout out for dangers ahead while Bors scouts behind to make sure there are no unexpected visitors following us. Arthur leads the way with Lancelot close behind him. A large knight and two others ride to the left of me and Gawain, Galahad and another ride to my right. Talking is out of the question for the knights keep their distance from me as if I were some creature waiting to pounce. I am forced to remember.

We ride Conn and I for Max had other obligations. We ride to our old hide out and sit quietly among the trees. Many things have changed. It has been over a year since the river incident and they finally discovered that I was a girl. When they first started treating me differently, I liked it. They were nice and it was fun to watch them trip over themselves, but now it was getting annoying. They were much more fun when they didn't know I was a girl. Our rides had gotten fewer until now they would only ride with me once a week, and when they did it was only one of them. Today it is Conn. He has changed most over the past year.

He has grown taller and all the village lasses fawn over him. If I were a village lass I suppose I would fawn over him too but I am not and I don't. We have not spoken much; I miss the old days when we were carefree and open. Mother is trying to turn me into a lady and Conn and Max are going their separate ways. They fight more often and I have no idea over what. I assume it is a girl but I have not seen them with any so I have no clue who the young lady is.

I end the outing short, for Conn seems distant and won't tell me what's on his mind. When we get home, Max is waiting for us, he was mad. He and Conn exchanged looks. I sensed the discomfort and left them to themselves. They probably fell for the same lass again; I only hope they will get over it.

The images of Conn and Max fade away as I notice Arthur pulling back. He falls into step with me and nods. "How are you faring, milady?"

"Quite well, commander, thank you."

"Do you find your mount suitable?"

"She's fine, although I would have chosen one more spirited," I say.

"We thought it would be best to start you out on something tame, lady. We did not want you to fall and hurt yourself."

Fall and hurt myself, how insulting. I have been riding since I was a little girl. I was practically born in the saddle. I bite my tongue to stop any sharp remarks from escaping. It is not his fault he's ignorant, I have to keep reminding myself about that. These knights are ignorant about me and about everything. They are doing their best to protect me and I can understand that, it is just hard to contain my thoughts inside my head. I use to vent to Father, he understood me and knew exactly what to say, but he was different. I rather doubt the Commander would be open to my views and abilities. I have a feeling that I will have to completely change if I am to survive in my new residence.

About midday we stop for lunch. Arthur keeps a close eye on me. I wonder why. I have been well behaved all day; I even resisted the urge to gallop off with the wind. I sit off to the side like I did the night before. They prepare the meal and once again I find a plate in front of me. I take it and eat its contents. I do believe this rest is on my account, which angers me. Why can't these men understand that we are not all like the Bishop?

We start again soon after we eat. Everyone switches their positions. The large knight, Dagonet is now to my right with Bors and Galahad while Gawain, Tristan and Lancelot ride to my left. Once again they spread themselves out and away from me. I wonder if it's against the rules to associate with other people besides themselves. As before I am left to my thoughts and the dull mare plods along.

I see Conn and Max again. They are fighting. I have never seen them actually fist fight before. I come into the stables and they are rolling about on the ground. Jon, the stable master pries them apart and demands to know what they fight about. They say nothing and are restricted to the grounds. Conn and Max stocks off in opposite directions and I am left confused. Had this woman played with them this much? If only I could get my hands on her, I would strangle her for causing such a rift between Conn and Max. Never before had they seemed to hate each other. From the time they were boys they had been best friends.

Upset about Conn and Max's fight I go to Father and ask his advice. "Father," I start. "What is wrong with them?"

"They are growing up. They grow restless. They have feelings that they don't know how to deal with and so they take it out on each other," comes Father's vague response.

I shake my head. "Father, I know that much, but I don't know why. I think it might be a girl."

Father smiles knowingly, "Yes, I do believe it's about a young lady."

"Who?" I ask eagerly. Perhaps I can make her fix it.

Father shakes his head, "You really don't know?"

"No, who is she?"

"I think that's a question for Conn and Max to answer." I try to get him to tell me but he doesn't.

"Milady…" a voice interrupts. I blink Father's face away and look towards the direction the voice came from. It is Gawain.

"Yes?"

"Are you well?"

"Yes, quite well."

"You just look a bit uncomfortable. We thought you might not be feeling well. If you want we can stop and let you get in the carriage."

Again with the carriage. "No, thank you. I think I can manage." I look at the others, they are watching for my reply.

"Might I ask what is wrong?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking how I use to ride around my father's estate on my stallion, Apollo. We use to rule the land. I miss him very much." Gawain blinks. He didn't expect that. I smile. "I am quite an accomplished rider. I have been riding since I was four." I cannot resist gloating when I see their faces. They are dumbfounded.

"I thought Romans never let their women out of their houses," Lancelot states sarcastically.

"Oh, sir, indeed they do, but you see I'm not a Roman and therefore their rules did not apply to me. My father believed that a girl was as good as a boy and therefore should be as knowledgeable as one." Lancelot grows silent. I cannot help but smile at my small victory. The other knights seem rather impressed at this and they loosen up a bit.

As night falls, we look for a place to break camp. We find one and a repeat of the night before happens, with the exception of more taking around the camp. I listen to the knights and I watch them. They are a jovial group when not in the company of an unwanted noble. I know how they feel. I always hated when the Bishop and other people such as he came and visited Father. Although I would wish they would realize that they did not need to act like I am some one important. I'm just a traitor's daughter, hardly worth the effort to impress. Besides I find people being themselves much more impressing then the rich nobles back in Rome. Here everything is simple; there are not intrigues, politics, nothing just the need to survive and companionship, something you hardly ever witnessed among the rich.

We finish the evening meal and I approach Arthur. "Sir, might I ask how much longer it is until we reach our destination?"

"We should be there in two more days, milady." I smile.

"Thank you." Two days, two days until everything is final. There is no turning back now. No turning back at all. I take a deep breath and climb into the carriage to sleep. I want to sleep outside, but I think I will ask tomorrow, for I have already pushed to far to ride today. I will have to work on them some more. Perhaps I can get them to stop calling me Lady and use my name. It has been such a long time since I heard my name spoken aloud I am afraid that I have forgotten it.

I curl up in my covers and listen to the calming singing of the crickets. I remember when we use to sneak out at night to star gaze, Father and I. Mother did not like it when I did unconventional things, I don't know why. Perhaps it was the fact that unconventional meant alienation from society. I did not care if I was liked or not by the strangers that were so important to my parents but I did my best not to completely embarrass them when he had visitors, although I knew Father cared less about impressing them then I did. We both did it for Mother who tried so hard to accepted, although she never was for she was a slave, a witch.

Once in a while, Conn and Max would accompany us on our night time excursions. I shake my head and sigh. I wish these images would quit plaguing me. How am I to forget one life and fully accept the other when the past life will not let me go? The harder I try the more forceful the memories become.

Father and I sneak out, a week after Conn and Max's fight. We come to our star gazing rock and lay on our backs staring up into the night sky. I have hardly seen anything of Max and Conn. I am angry at them for not talking to me. Father points out constellations in the sky and tells me their stories. I tune him out; I am too confused about Conn and Max to enjoy this trip. Finally, we head back towards home. Father must have sensed that I am preoccupied. On the way back we meet up with Conn. He nods to Father and then to me.

"Where have you been?" I demand. "I have been so worried." Father eyes us.

"I will wait for you by the glen," he says and walks away.

"Conn, what is wrong with you and Max? Is it another lady?"

Conn looks at me. I look at him. "Alexa…"

"Alexa?" a voice says. I sit up. I'm in the carriage. "Alexa," the voice calls again. "I sit up and peek through the curtain. My name, my name. It is Gawain. "Alexa."

I smile, "You used my name.'

He chuckles, "Yes."

"What is it?"

"I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to go riding?"

I smile. "Yes."


	6. Chapter 5

**Note: **Thanks for the reviews! Sorry it took so long. It is not the best but bear with me. Thanks for reading.

"_The memories now blend into everything else. I find that they are as real as if they are happening. They attack me more frequently and are longer and more emotional…"_

_Written about Alexandrea's memory attacks in her Journal._

We ride. Oh, how we ride. Gawain has two horses waiting and to my joy it is not the dull mare but one of the knights' horses, I think it might be Gawain's. Galahad helps me mount the horse and we ride, not far from camp, but I am far to excited to complain, I am riding a real horse, that's all that matters. We ride a few circles around the campsite and then he leads me off towards a small glen of trees.

For a few brief minutes I forget where I am and I am back at home riding with Conn. After Max and Conn's fight in the stable, they have taken to riding with me alone. It is never the three of us any more. I don't mind though, they were getting rather boring when it was just the three of us. There is this dark cloud that hangs on them when we are together, which is not there when I am only with one of them.

Conn and I race across the fields. Since the night we met things have gotten more like they use to be. I don't know where the great change came from, but I am happy it has happened. My father smiles at me once in a while; it's almost as if he knows something that I don't. Father is very nice to Conn and Mother is very mean. She tries to prevent me from riding with him but Father intervenes. I am glad of that. I cannot understand the sudden change in Mother's behavior towards Conn, she seems to hate him, but she has always liked him before. It is all so confusing.

Conn has made the effort to take me riding three times this week and I am thrilled. It is like old times, oh how I missed them. I only wish Max would join us, but he seems to avoid both of us. If only I knew who the lady is that caused such a rift between them I would kill her. She has disrupted my happy life and caused a war with my best friends. I try to get the lady's name from Conn, but he only smiles and denies it all. It angers me when he does that, it's like he knows something I don't and I hate it when people keep things from me.

We race through the fields, if Mother sees me, which she probably already has, I'm in for atleast three weeks of house arrest and solitary confinement, or worse, she might live up to her threats and actually send me to court. How terrible that would be. I pull Apollo to a stop and walk him to cool him down. Conn stops and falls into step with me, a bit confused at the reason we stopped racing.

"Mother, she will see," I explain.

"So?"

"She might live up to her threat this time and send me to court. I hate court. I think I will live with behaving at home then to be placed on the examining table of the idiotic fools who call themselves nobles so they can dissect me and rub my face in my faults. I know what my faults are and I am rather fond of them."

Conn laughs. "Very well, we shall behave. I can't see at court. I'm surprised they let you come. I thought they didn't allow wild animals there."

"Conn, I am no wild animal."

"No, now that I think of it you're not a wild animal, perhaps some half tamed pet that they insist on keeping around."

"I am no animal, I am a young lady," I say, trying to keep a straight face. I fail miserable and we end up laughing. "I suppose I shall never be a lady. Father said I have too much of my grandfather in me. A restless spirit that causes great grief for it is not easily tamed and it sometimes causes people to act irrationally. I don't know how Mother does it. I wish I was more like her." I start mumbling to myself.

Conn looks at me, "Why on earth would you want that?"

"She's beautiful. If only I could be like her. She has perfect manners, and even if most people won't admit it to their friends, many people greatly admire her for her grace, intellect, beauty, composure, and manners."

Conn chuckles, "Yes, she may be all those but I do believe I know some one who is far prettier then she."

I eye him, could this be the mysterious lady that he and Max were fighting about. "I do believe you are mistaken, no one is as beautiful as Mother."

Conn leans over and whispers, "Her…"

"Here we are," Gawain says, finally breaking the silence that engulfed us as we rode. Conn melts away and I find myself near a pond. Gawain dismounts and walks over to help me but before he can I am out of the saddle and standing in front of him. He looks a little shocked but quickly recovers. "Forgive me, I…"

I smile, "I know, it has been my lot in life to surprise people." I think of the ride with Conn, his confession. I see his handsome tanned face. His blue eyes laughing at me, his black hair falling around his face in all directions for the wind was his stylist. He was never surprised, neither were Father and Max.

Gawain leads me to the pond and I look at him. "What are we doing here?"

"I thought you'd like to see the area a bit."

I raise my eyebrows. "And it could not be done in the daylight?"

He looks at me sheepishly, so like Conn. I shake my head and sit down. I don't care the reason, I am content just to be out where I can breathe the fresh air and see the stars. We sit in silence. What a wonderful silence.

Finally Gawain speaks. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

I smile, "Yes."

"Is it true? What you said to Lancelot today about you riding since you were little?"

"Yes."

"Are there any other things you can do that we should know about?"

"I don't know. Perhaps."

He laughs. "Will you reveal them eventually or give us some warning?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On what I feel like doing."

Gawain looks at me. He wears a half-grin as if expecting to laugh soon.

"What is that look for?"

"I'm waiting for you to astound me." He grins.

"Well you shall have to wait. I don't feel like astounding today." I get up and walk back to the horse. There is something else he's here for but he won't tell me. "Well, I thank you for taking me on this ride, I thoroughly enjoyed it. But now I think we best getting back, we have much more traveling to do, and I don't Galahad would appreciate having to walk because his mount is exhausted from our midnight jaunt."

"Wait."

I turn around and face him. "Yes?"

"I'm suppose to find out more about your background. Arthur is curious and he wants to know more about your situation."

The motive. Anger boils inside me. "Forgive me sir," I state coldly. "I have nothing to tell you. It is my business and no concern of yours." I swing up on my horse and gallop away before he could stop me. Why does everything always have to have a hidden motive?

In my anger I remember, I remember Max. He waits for me, I know he's there for I have seen him but he never emerges. Why he doesn't join me and Conn on our rides is far beyond me and I have given up on trying to discover why he is so stand-offish lately. I come to the stables looking for Conn, we are to go riding this afternoon, and instead of Conn I find Max waiting for me. I smile, "It has been a long time."

"Yes."

"Where's Conn?"

"He's gone."

"Gone?"

"He left, gone for good."

I look at him. "That's not possible."

"It is. He left. Said to say good-bye."

"You lie. He would never leave without telling me."

"He had to leave early this morning," Max states matter-of-factly.

I get the feeling he enjoys the fact that his cousin is gone. I don't know why. They use to be such good friends. "I don't believe you."

"He asked me to take you on your ride this afternoon."

I look at him. He seems to be gloating. "He will come. If he is leaving he will come and tell me." I am angry with Max. Not for the news he bears for that would be petty of me. It is the manner that he is talking to me in. It's not like his usual self.

"Are we going for our ride?'

"No, I shall wait for Conn. I don't know what's wrong with you Max but I don't like you right now."

He glares at me. "What do you mean?"

"You have become bitter and you seem glad that Conn is gone. You are very mean to not tell me where he went, that is if he even went anywhere. If you lied to me Max I shall not talk to you ever again."

"What's so special about Conn?" he spits. "Since when did you and he become such good friends?"

"I don't have to answer to you." I walk away, determined to find Conn. If I didn't know better I would swear that Max is jealous of Conn, but why?

The horse stops and I look around me. Everything is dark and all the scenery looks the same. I ride around, trying to find my bearings but I cannot recognize anything. How could I be so stupid? Me and my rages, I must learn to control them. Hopelessly lost, I pull the horse to a stop and wait. Surely Gawain will look for me. If not him, one of the other knights. I just have to wait. Some one will come. They will.


	7. Chapter 6

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews! Here is yet another installment. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

"_I am lost, completely lost and yet they still plague me. Memories. They will find me I hope. They will find me, I know they will…"_

_Written in Alexadrea's journal about being lost_

Me and my temper tantrums, I really must learn how to control them. Mother always said I was foolish to let my emotions have such a strong hold on my actions and she always tried to cure me of them. Father would just laugh at me when I got into trouble due to an ill advised act that I did on the passion of the moment. I look around me. Well I might as well wait for the rescue party to arrive. I curse at myself as I dismount and find a rock to sit on. Now they will never let me leave the carriage. All the progress I made today will be spoiled and the rest of the trip, I fear, will be a complete bore. There will be no one to talk to; Gawain probably thinks I am a complete fool.

The horse settles close by, grazing. I cannot even think of Lancelot's reaction. He will probably gloat and say something on how men are superior to women. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if they will actually come after me. There is really nothing holding them to their order. They could just leave me here and say that I ran away. The Bishop would probably believe that too.

I am not going to wait for them. I will find them, if I look hard enough. Resolved, I remount and start back the way I came, or at least I think.

They laugh at me, Conn and Max. I am so completely clueless that it isn't even funny. Mother sent me to court for the month. How I hate court. I am stuck under the watchful eye of Lady Fuvia, one of the most stick court ladies in existence. She sent me as punishment for me skipping my lessons to go riding with Conn. At least I am not completely alone, in my guard detail, Conn is on it. We are not able to spend time together like we could have at home but he is here with me and I do manage to spend a few hours with him every once in a while, in complete secrecy though, if Lady Fuvia were to find out she would have my head.

I am forced to attend state dinners and to associate with people. I have many young men following me around, which is odd; I am not near as pretty as Lady Lorna, Lady Fuvia's daughter. Lady Lorna is always receiving tokens from her admirers. She has been out for a year and is still not married. I wonder when I will have my coming-out party. It should be soon for I am old enough to try and claim myself a husband, but I am not sure I want one. From what I see at court, the men treat their wives like they are objects. In public they are courtly and polite, but behind closed doors they can be abusive, especially if they don't have their way. Lady Fuvia's husband is like that. I really do not see the reason for marriage. If I marry it will be only for love.

After three weeks at court I have had all I can take of the courtiers and noblemen. I am leaving. I race to the stables to meet Conn, to my luck Lady Fuvia is ill and left me to my own today. Conn is waiting with our horses ready and we leave under the guise that I am going on my afternoon ride. Once we are out of sight of the guard I kick Apollo and we gallop away; Conn close behind me. When our horses tire we slow down the pace to a walk.

"It's so glorious to be free of them," I cry.

Conn smiles, "Where to?"

"Home." We head towards home. That night we camp in an enclosed area. I wonder what Lady Fuvia is doing right now; she is probably frantically searching for me. With any luck it will be a day or two until they send a search party after me. I am too happy to be away to worry much. How could things get better? There is me, Apollo, and Conn going home.

The hoot of an owl brings me back. Nothing looks familiar. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should just stay where I am, but the stubborn part of me refuses to accept defeat and I continue on, getting more lost by the second.

It is my coming out ball. All the eligible young men are invited. Mother is thrilled and she watches me like a hawk. For the past week I have not even been allowed to leave the house. I wish I could go riding with Conn and find out what he says he's been trying to tell me for the past few months. I don't know why he won't just come out and say it. He starts to say something, and then he acts strangely and leaves. I shall never understand him.

I am in a white dress, full bodice, flowing skirts, sleeves that open up like a bell around my wrists. My dark hair is curled and adorned with white flowers. I have a silver head-dress with one small diamond that sits exactly in the center of my forehead. Mother put face paint on me; it feels very strange, sort of heavy and itchy. Around my neck there is an intricate necklace, it is silver and diamonds in an intricate weaving that glitters against my breast. My gown sparkles with each movement and I feel beautiful. My first thought is to show Conn, but I remember that he will not be here to night, only men of money shall be worthy of my attentions tonight.

I shake my head. I must pay attention, I must. No more dreaming of the past. I try to focus on looking for something that looks familiar.

I descend the stairs. All eyes turn towards me. I see Conn, he is serving beverages. He stops a moment in awe. I smile as he does and I wish it were only him here tonight. The moment I leave the last stair, five men come up to me, all trying to introduce themselves. I put on the polite mask Mother taught me to wear and pretended to listen to them. I watch Conn as he slides in and out of the crowd like a ghost. I dance with every man in the room. A young nobleman with a good fortune, an old widower looking for a wife. I am going to kill Mother tonight. I didn't even want this coming out party. All my suitors are polite but I know they are just seizing me up to see if I would make a good trophy to have by their side.

I can see the thoughts going through their heads. She is pretty enough I suppose, but the lineage might be a problem. Then again, the daughter of Pelagius would be given at a lower price and could be used for as much as a higher priced daughter. When a moment is allowed, I flee the room and hide on the terrace. I wish to be somewhere else, anywhere, I cannot take any more lords telling me how wonderful they are.

A rustling comes from behind me and I hold my breath. Conn appears. "Well, milady, should you not be at the ball?" He grins.

"I am taking a break."

"How could you ever manage to tear yourself away from such wonderful men?"

"I don't know."

"Are you having fun?"

"Ha, far from it. I'd much rather be off riding with you."

"The night is still young; you have a whole lot more to suffer."

"Don't remind me."

He looks at me. "Alexa…You look beautiful."

I blush, I don't know why, it's just a compliment coming from Conn, he's like a brother to me. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I'm not beautiful. Nothing could make me so."

Conn looks into my eyes. I never realized how blue they were. "You're always beautiful," he whispers. "Alexa…"

"Alexandrea!" I hear a far-off voice. I look around me. I cannot see a thing. "Lady!" another call comes. I stop. Should I try to follow them or should I wait for them? Against my better judgment I make my way towards the voices. As I continue on the voices grow more distant. I stop and listen. I cannot hear them. A little scared, I try to turn back the way I came, but the horse will not move. It is frozen with fear. I look around me, there is nothing here.

There is a rustling in the undergrowth. The horse's ears turn towards it. The sound of labored breath comes. I freeze. A low growl echo's in the deafening silence. It pounces. The horse runs. I fly off and hit the ground. I lie completely still and listen for the creature. It roars and pursues the horse. When everything is quite once more I breathe. Slowly, I get up. Something wet trickles down the side of my face. I feel it, it is warm and sticky. I taste it, blood. Highly annoyed at the fact I am now alone and on foot, I tear a piece of cloth from my skirt and hold it to my head. Now what am I going to do?

The smart part of me tells me to stay, but I fear that another creature lurks close by and I continue on in the opposite direction the horse went. I am surrounded by trees.

"Alexandrea!" a voice cries.

I turn. It's Conn. He's back from market. I run to meet him. "You're back."

He smiles. "I've brought you something."

"What is it?" I ask eagerly.

He pulls out a small package. "Open it."

I smile at him and take the bundle. It is light. Slowly, I pull the wrapping off. It is a small bracelet, simple in design and is the color of silver. I gasp, "Conn, where did you get this? It's beautiful. Thank you!" It is not as elaborate as the gifts my recent suitors showered on my, but Conn's simple bracelet is worth more to me then any of those expensive diamond tiaras, headdresses, necklaces, rings, or jewel decorated gowns. I smile up at him. Over the last few years he has grown quite tall. Without thinking I hug him. He seems startled a first, but he loosens up and returns the hug.

"You're welcome," he says. We pull apart.

"It's beautiful."

"I thought you might like it."

I look up at him. The strange look in his eyes that I noticed in them on the night on the terrace at my coming out party is back. It makes me feel strange. He looks at me as if thinking about something, but he does not get the chance to think anymore for Max has found us.

We move farther apart. I blush as if I had been caught doing something bad. I don't know why. Max eyes Conn and then turns to me. "I have something for you too." He pulls out a large package. I thank him and open it. It is a scarf. Red, a color that does not go well with me. I give him a smile. I try to look like I love the gift as much as Conn's.

"Thank you Max. It's wonderful." I give him a quick hug. "I shall wear it to the harvest dance tonight."

Max looks satisfied and asks, "Might I claim the first three dances."

"Of course," I smile. Max smiles and leaves. I have gotten over my anger at him. I just never understood why he tried to make me miss my ride with Conn. Once he's gone I turn to Conn hoping that he might ask for a dance or two. The look that was in his eyes earlier is gone and his smile is gone.

After a moment's silence he says, "Well I must go. Maman will be waiting for me. See you tonight."

He leaves before I can say thank you again for the bracelet. I inspect it. It seems familiar some how. The design is very familiar; where have I seen it before.

"Alexandrea!" I hear the voices again. There are no more 'Lady's. They sound so close, so close. I try to follow them but I find myself blocked off by a drop off. It is too dark to tell how far down it goes. I call out and wait for a reply, but there is no reply. "Alexandrea!"

Where are you? Why can't you hear me? They come closer. "Hello!"

A growl. I turn slowly. It's the creature. I back up slowly; it stares at me. Its body stiffens, ready to pounce. I close my eyes. "Help!" It flies at me, its cry ringing in my ears. I fall. It growls. I wait for its teeth. The earth under me gives away and I fall. "Help!" Darkness falls.


	8. Chapter 7

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews! Sorry it took me so long to update. I was gone and then the power around my neck of the woods has been cutting out for the past few days, supossedly because of all the fires in my area. Well I hope you like it and that it all makes sense. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

"_It is dark, cold, and wet. The darkness brings thoughts of happier times, sadder times, times I wish to forget. Times I know I can never have again…"_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

Cold, wet. I gasp. Darkness. It takes me a few minutes to remember what happened. I look around me. There is not much to see. I remember the creature and wait for its attack, but it never comes. Slowly, I stand up and begin to look for a way out. I look for the creature. It is nothere. Confused and dazed, I examine my surroundings. I am in ahole, not the ravine but some sort ofhollownear it.It is very small;I hardly have to move tofind its boundaries. Ilook for some sign of the creature.There is nothing. Hadthe creature justbeen my imagination?My left arm aches and my face stings from small cuts I received from my fall. I will wonder about it later.I rip a piece of my gown and start nursing my cuts the best I can. With each touch a sharp pain follows and I grit my teeth.

Once again, I curse myself for getting myself lost. No longer can I hear my name being called. They have left, left me to die. No, they will be back. At least I know the commander, Arthur, will. If he's anything like Father, he'll search for me until a body is recovered. He has an unfinished task; it is his duty to finish it. I hope it's not Lancelot who finds me. I can see the look on his face; the smug look telling me how he knew he was right about me all along. I cannot bear his satisfaction in my foolishness, like I could not bear Max's satisfaction in Conn's absence from the harvest dance.

Father and I arrive on time. Mother chose to stay behind for she is not feeling well, but I know she does not like social gatherings of any kind and that is why she feigns illness. I wear a simple dress, a midnight-blue with silver trim. Father says dark blues and silvers are my colors and so I wear them. I wear Conn's bracelet with Grandfather's necklace. My hair is braided and wound around my head into a bun. In my hair I have a white flower. I wear no face paint tonight; I did not wish to spoil such a night with the uncomfortable mask of paint.

Father looks handsome in his daily clothes. The farmers greet us merrily and continue on with their celebrations. I have Max's scarf tied around my waist, not very fashionable, but I had promised him I would wear it and so I must. Father leaves me with Coriel, my old nurse, and went to where the men were gathering. Coriel beams at me. "You look lovely, my child."

I smile under her praise. As a child, her praise meant more to me then Mother's, even now, it means much to me. I look around the field. "Where's Conn?" I ask.

Coriel raises her eye brows and shrugs, "I don't know. I'm sure he'll be here. There is a certain lass he wishes to dance with."

My heart falls. A lass? I look towards the area where the single women gather and wonder which one Conn desires. "Which one?" I ask.

Coriel smiles, "It's none of my business to know which lass holds my son's heart. We will know when he sees fit."

I stare at her. She knows which one, Conn tells his mother everything. "I know you know."

"I didn't say I didn't know, I said it's not my business and so I have no right to tell other people about it. Conn's a grown man and can make his own decisions, tell his own news, and keep track of his own business."

I sigh. There is not chance of getting a name out of her. She is a very stubborn woman; I learned that a very long time ago. I scan the crowd once more for Conn, but instead of him I find Max. He smiles and comes towards me. I want to hide but etiquette won't allow it for I made a promise and I have to keep it. I dance the first three dances with Max. He grins at me and talks about nothing in particular. I try to look interested in what he is saying, but most of my attention is on looking for Conn. He has not arrived yet.

The third dance ends and I curtsy expecting it to be my last dance, but Max asks for yet another one, and since I can think of no polite way to refuse him, I accept. I put on my court smile and pretend to be thoroughly enjoying myself. How I wish Conn was here. When my fifth dance with make ends, I decline from a sixth, saying I am tired. He accepts it and finds another partner, although I swear he is watching me.

A bit upset, I slip away from the dance to a small cluster of trees not far from it. Where is Conn? I do not know why I care, but it hurts. I lean up against a tree and sigh. A part of me wishes to go back to see who the lass is that Conn had his heart on dancing with, but I could not bring myself to do it. To see Conn with another woman would be too much. I know Conn will have to marry; I am not ready for him to yet. He's my Conn. Mine.

I hear something move behind me. It is someone. I turn as I hear, "Alexa…"

"Alexandrea!" I hear. I look up. It's still dark and I cannot see a thing. "Alexandrea!" the voice comes again, this time stronger. "Alexandrea!" My heart jumps. They are here. They didn't desert me.

"Over here!" I cry.

There is silence. Where are they? "Alexa!"

It is close, very close. "Over here!" I hear footsteps.

"Alexa?" I look up.

"Conn?" I whisper.

"Alexa?" the voice calls.

It takes me a moment to remember the voice. "Gawain?"

"Alexa, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, just a few scratches."

"Stay where you are, I'm coming down."

"No, there's not enough room for the both of us. Throw me down a rope and pull me up."

Within minutes a rope slides into view. I grasp it and call, "I've got it." Slowly I am hoisted up out of the hole. To my dismay, the first face I see is not Gawain's or Arthur's, though I would have preferred it to be, it is Lancelot's, and as predicted he wears his character defining smirk.

"Are you unhurt, milady?" Arthur asks.

"I am fine, just a few scratches and bruises."

By the look on their faces, they probably see more then just a few scratches. Gawain and Galahad hover around me as if I am going to collapse as we make our way towards the horses. "The horse? Is he alright?" I ask, remembering that it was Galahad's steed I lost myself on.

"Yes, we found him a few miles East of here," Galahad says.

"I'm sorry if I caused any harm to him."

"That's alright. He's fine."

"That's good to hear." I stumble and Gawain reaches out to catch me. He grabs my left arm and I let out a little cry.

"Oh, forgive me, did I hurt you?" he asks.

"No," I gasp as I right myself. "I must have hurt it when I fell."

They balance me, being very careful so not to cause me more pain. They sit me down on a rock. "She'll have to ride with one of us," Arthur says.

"Oh, no, that won't be necessary. I am quite well; it's just a little bruise." I pull up my sleeve to show them; unfortunately it is proof against my claim. There is a large black bruise, the size of my forearm. "Well, a large bruise." Arthur gently takes my arm and squeezes it. I winch and try my best not to yelp.

"Um…More then a bruise. Perhaps a broken harm," he concludes.

"Don't be silly. It's not broken, sprained maybe," I suggest hopefully, for a broken arm is the last thing I need. With one they will never let me out of the carriage and will watch me even more closely then they already do.

"What ever it may be, you are in no condition to ride alone."

I relent, "Very well." I sit and wait for him to name the knight I will ride with. I hope it is Gawain or Galahad, maybe even Arthur himself.

"Lancelot, she rides with you."

Lancelot looks at me. "Great," I whisper.

Gawain helps me onto Lancelot's horse, seeming my arm will not hold me long enough to mount. Lancelot climbs up behind me and we set off back towards camp. I can just hear his thoughts. None of which I wish to repeat. As we ride I notice that the sun is rising. It is very beautiful. I ignore Lancelot and watch the sun rise and light the world around me.

"Alexa," Conn whispers. I turn around.

"Conn! Where have you been?" I ask, angry at him.

"Alexa."

"Conn, why didn't you come and ask me to dance? Where were you? Your mother said that you would be there for there was a certain lady you wished to dance with."

"I was there."

"I had to suffer five dances with Max before I escaped to here."

"I saw you."

I stop. "If you were there, why didn't you save me?"

He looks away. Something is wrong.

"What is it?"

"Max."

"Did he get the lady you wished to dance with tonight?"

"Yes."

"Who is she?" I ask. He says nothing. "Is it Silvia? She's nice, but too dull for you. If it is her, she's not worth heartache."

"No, it's not Silvia."

"Is it Mary? Mary may be pretty but that's all she is."

"No." He looks away from me.

"Why won't you tell me?" I ask.

"I thought you would have guessed," he mumbles.

"Guessed? Guessed what?" What is he talking about?

"The bracelet." He holds my hand.

"What?"

"I said, 'How are you doing'?" Lancelot asks. I blink, the sun rose quickly.

"Um…Fine. Just fine." He says nothing else; I am much relieved for I did not feel like talking to him at the moment. I hold up my right wrist.

"Where did you get that?" Gawain asks from his side position.

"Oh, it was a gift from someone I knew a long time ago." I run my finger over the design. I know it by heart.

"What does the design mean?" Gawain asks, trying to make conversation.

"Some one once said that it was a promise, a pledge, a symbol of love."

"Love?" Lancelot smirks.

"Yes, love."


	9. Chapter 8

**Note: **Sorry for such a delay. It isn't the best but it is something. Thank you for staying with me on this one so far. Happy reading.

"_All the process I have made with the knights is lost. I swear at myself for doing such a stupid act to make it so. They treat me like I'm dying and I am getting thoroughly annoyed. I wish they would just leave me be and quit hovering over me like Mother does…did…"_

_---Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

We make it back to the carriage. As predicted. I am placed right back into it. Some what angry at myself, I change my torn gown and try to clean myself up as best as I can with the basin of water one of the knight's drew for me. Once the water is mud and my hair somewhat tamed, I peek outside. The knights have gathered by the fire talking about something. It is no mystery to what the something is. Not daring to attract their attention, I start working on cleaning my wounds. I take the jar of salve Coriel gave me and a clean cloth and started to massage it into my aching limbs. At first touch, the salve stings but after a few minutes it begins to numb my skin and I feel nothing. After they are clean, I tear one of my aprons into tiny strips and bandage the worse of the cuts.

After the task is done, I examine my bruises. Most of them are minor and will heal within the next few days, but the one on my arm is more serious. Whenever I move it, my arm throbs. With a few experiments, I decide that it had to be more them a bruise. Grudgingly, I know I have to go to the knights for a cure for I have none. I peak outside and see that they have finished their discussion. Slowly, I climb out of the carriage, hoping to go unnoticed by them, but I have no luck for the moment my feet touches the ground, the knights are at my side, or at least most of them were, fussing over me like I am made of brittle glass. Some what annoyed, I brush them aside and walk to the fire. My arm aches but I am not about to let them see it, I don't know why, but the fact they act like I am going to break makes me want to hide my pains. Father would have called it pride. It is true. I am too prideful to admit weakness, especially if I am treated like a weakling.

Conn would have never treated me this way, he would have been concerned but he knew that if he showed it I would have yelled at him. That was a lesson he learned long ago. I sigh. How I miss home. The knights are all right but I miss real companionship. They are polite, but reserved and somewhat standoffish as if I am some animal they know they should not get fond of for I won't be around for very long. I clench my teeth as I sit down, wishing that they did not notice. After a few seconds it is obvious that they didn't and I relax as much as my arm would allow.

They hand me a plate of food and I eat it carefully, balancing the plate on my knee and eating with my uninjured arm proves to be a bit difficult. As I eat, I steal glances at them. None of them seem to notice the pain I'm in and I rejoice; the last thing I need is their pity. Perhaps if I proved to them I am not hurt badly they would let me ride again.

When I finish my meal, I get up and thank them for it and head back towards the carriage. The knights rise to their feet but none follow me, at least so I thought. When I reach the carriage door, Arthur is right behind me. "Milady," he starts.

I face him. "Yes?"

"Your arm, if you please." It is an order, not a request. Slowly, I push my arm towards him. He gently takes it in his and presses. I gasp. "I apologize," he says but he keeps pressing on my arm in various places. Determined not to show how much it really hurts I bit the inside of my cheeks, while I repeat to myself, it will be over soon. Arthur relaxes his grip on my arm and I try to pull it away. "Not yet, lady. I fear it is fractured. It needs to be tended to."

"I am fine," I reply. "It is only bruised."

Arthur smiles, "You are a stubborn one, aren't you."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"I watched you through dinner. Your arm caused you great pain, but you still kept it to yourself."

"There is nothing wrong with my arm."

He laughs, "You are a strange one, lady."

I growl, I don't like it when people laugh at me. "I am not strange," I state.

"Most women would have complained about far less painful wounds then you have."

"And your point is?"

"My point is we have to fix your arm up so it can heal properly. It would not look good if you arrive at your future husband's home bleeding and with ill-set broken bones."

"I don't need your help," I growl.

"Oh, but I think you do, lady," Arthur says as he leads me back to the fire. "Tristan, get the kit."

I sit. "It's…"

"No more complaining," Gawain says. I look at them and sigh, there's nothing to do but give in.

"Very well, if you insist," I spit and sit down. Tristan returns with a kit that contains their medical supplies. Arthur takes out a roll of bandages and a jar. He opens the jar and smears its contents on my arm. It smells of peppermint and another herb that I can't identify. "What's that for?" I ask for it does not hurt like the cut cleaning salve.

"This is to help with the swelling," Arthur explains.

"Peppermint?"

"Just for smell, it smells horrible without it," Gawain replies.

I shake my head. "I really see no point in making such a large fuss over a bruise."

They ignore my remark and Arthur bandages up my arm tightly, with a flat stick against my forearm. Once my arm is bandaged a sling is tied around my neck and my arm placed in it. "Is this absolutely necessary?" I ask trying to take the sling off.

"Leave it," Arthur orders. "Would you rather end up with a broken arm? It is not broken but it could be fractured which means if you did anything to it to cause pressure on the bone it could break. Leave it be, it is for your own good, lady."

"Very well," I growl.

"Good, now back to the carriage with you."

"But…"

"No arguing. It is only a few more days until we reach your new home. I think it would be best for you if you rode in the carriage for the remainder of the journey."

I knew it. I open my mouth to argue but decide against it and stalk off back to the dreadful carriage. How dare they treat me like some…like some...Oh how I wish I was home. No one ever treated me like this. I climb into the carriage and shut the curtains incase someone tried to talk to me, I am not in the talking mood. Gawain makes a few feeble attempts but I am to angry to make any reply and he soon goes back to the fire. Nursing my wounds and my pride, I think of Conn.

Conn looks at me; the moon casts silvery shadows across his face. "The bracelet, do you not recognize it?"

I examine it for the hundredth time and shake my head. It seems familiar but I cannot place it.

He looks away. "I thought the bracelet would make you see."

"See what?" I ask highly confused.

He turns towards me. "See this."

I look at him, baffled. "What?"

"Move out!" Arthur's voice rings. I sit up. The carriage jolts to life. I must have fallen to sleep. I open the curtain to find the sun shining down at us. Laying back down I try to remember what I dreamed. It is odd that I can only remember the last unfinished thought. Before I can think about Conn more, my cuts cry for attention and I embark on yet another cleaning.

"Ow!" I cry as I knock my braced arm against the wall.

"Milady?" Gawain calls. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," I gasp. "Just snagged my hair on my brush." My entire arm throbs. I should not have slept. Sleep made me forget how much it hurt yesterday and magnified it today.

"Typical," I hear Lancelot remark. "Snagging hair on brushes. That's a woman for you."

My blood boils at that remark. "What!" I cry as I throw back the curtain and stare Lancelot in the face. "What do you mean by 'typical'?"

Lancelot looks shocked but recovers quickly. "Done brushing your hair?" he asks. I blush for I am found out.

"I lied."

"As is obvious," Lancelot remarks. "Unless the point of brushing one's hair is to make it look like it has never been brush."

"Lancelot, behave," Gawain says. "Look, you made her cry."

"No, I'm not crying," I exclaim.

"Really?" Lancelot asks. "It looks like you are."

"Well I'm not. I was just cleaning my cuts…" I stop.

"Cuts?" Gawain echoes.

"Well of course. Do you really think one could fall down a hole and come back up with only a hurt arm?" I snap.

"Why didn't you show us them?" Gawain asks.

"I can take care of them. I have a cleaning ointment and bandages. I am fine." I drop the curtain.

"Milady," Gawain starts.

"Stop with the 'lady' and 'milady' nonsense. You know my name, I know you do. Use it."

"It is not proper, milady," Galahad states.

"I know, I know. Treat me like an object and you will not have to feel obligated about my fate once you leave me. I know how it goes. The soldiers that escorted me on the ship and watched me during the trials behaved the same way, but their reason was not solely for that purpose. It is treason to become friendly with traitors."

The knights grew silent. "I beg your pardon?" Arthur asks. "Traitor?"

"Yes, traitor," I say as I pull the curtain aside. "I am as good as a traitor and I don't even know why. Let's just get this journey over with. Deliver me to Marius's home and leave me, forget about me. It is better this way."

"Milady, why are you a traitor?" Arthur asks after a moment's silence.

"I'm not, but being the daughter of one makes you one."

"How…"

"Leave me be! Just get me there. No more talking, it might ruin everything and make you feel obligated, and we can't have that can we?" I close the curtain and stare up at the ceiling. I don't know what has gotten into me. Why am I so emotional? I calm myself and try to sleep. It will be over soon. Soon I will be free of the knights. They can go on their lives as normal and I can go on with mine. As I sit I wonder if my new home will allow me to do some of the things Father allowed me to. I know it probably won't but a part of me wishes that it will.

I fall asleep remembering Father and the nights we sneak out of the house. Sometimes we ride; others we go on midnight picnics. I smile at the memories as sleep takes me and darkness falls.


	10. Chapter 9

**Note: **Thanks for the reviews! I apologize for taking such a long time. Life has been extremely hectic. I'll try to update quicker so I won't loose all of you before the story's done. Thanks for reading. It's not the best but here we go.

_"I am ashamed of myself. I shouldn't have exploded like that, but they were just so...so...I don't know. I wish things were the way they were. I wish...I can wish but it cannot be. I have to make the best of the situation. I just hope there is a best..."  
Written in Alexandrea's Journal_

The next day the knights keep their distance. I think my explosion yesterday might be the main cause of it. I sulk in the carriage. Mother always told me I had a short temper, which is true. I have always been this way, short tempered. It usually appeared when people treated me like a porcelain figurine that could break at any moment. I suppose it is the fact that I never wanted to be a girl. Ever since I was little I always secretly wished to be a boy so that I could go off into the world and do what Father did, teach people things that they should know to make the world a better place. Then there were times when I wished to be a knight and fight for my cause, defeat the enemy, set slaves free, and end the suffering of the peasant folk, very naïve, but one is entitled to dream. I listen for any sign of life coming outside. There is only the sound of the horses and the clang of metal. Sighing, I clean my cuts, which, thanks to Coriel's ointment, are looking better. Once I finish that task I settle in my blankets, for I have not bothered to put them away and try to go to sleep, hoping that sleep will bring happier memories, I have no luck.

After tossing and turning for a while I give up on napping and open the curtains to let some fresh air in. The knights ride in their protective circle, all of them evenly spaced and silent as a grave. I look for Gawain; he is at the front of the circle. Next to me is Lancelot, just my luck. I sigh and lean back. With nothing else to think about, my arm throbs for attention. I try to ignore it but it refuses to go unnoticed and I begin to unwrap it.

"Milady," a voice comes. "I would advise not to do that." I look up to see Arthur riding next to me.

"Why?" I ask crossly.

"It will only make it hurt worse. If you are in great pain, we can stop up ahead where there is a cool river that you can put it in. Perhaps we might be so lucky as to find some ice, for it tends to flow down stream this time of year, and use it to soothe your arm."

His voice is gentle and there seems to be a genuine concern in it. I look up at him, he looks back at me. He is so much like Father. "You are much like my Father."

"How so?" Arthur asked.

"I don't know, it's just some of your facial expressions and the tones of your voice. You are kind and believe what you believe in with all your heart."

"You know all this without even having a complete conversation with me?" he asks.

"Yes, I watched you with your men, you treat them fairly and like they are human beings. I have been to other forts and the indentured knights are not treated so well."

"Why should they be treated any differently?" he asks.

"Do you not know?" I ask amazed.

"Know what?"

"Indentured knights are not treated well. In other places they are always the first ones to die because they are always given the most dangerous missions to fulfill. Most Romans believe that pagans such as these knights of yours deserve not to live."

"This cannot be."

"It is. I have seen it, although I wished not too."

Arthur shakes his head. "That is impossible."

"My father disagreed with such things as well and he tried to stop it. He was not very successful."

"Might I inquire who your father was?" Arthur asks.

I stop. I did not want to tell Arthur that my father is Pelagius, he might feel some responsibility for me and I could not do that to him. "He was just a man. No one you would know." I dodge his question and change the subject. "What do you plan to do once your service to Rome is finished?"

"Go home to Rome," he replies. "Join my teacher, a man as dear to me as a father." He says no name but I know who it is he speaks of.

"This man, do you know how he fares?" I ask.

"Last I heard he is teaching all that he taught me to others in Rome."

I sigh. He has no clue about what happened to his great teacher and I have not the heart to tell him. "That is good."

"Have you heard of him?" Arthur asks me.

"Who?"

"Pelagius."

I look away. I do not wish to tell him all that has happened to him. Arthur seems to sense my discomfort. "What is it?"

"Nothing," I say, trying to avoid his eyes for I do make eye contact I will loose it and end up telling him everything.

"You have heard of him haven't you?" he asks but it is no question. He knows I know Pelagius and I think he might even know more.

"Yes," I sigh and look up at him.

"Something has happened to him hasn't there?" Again, worded as a question but not really one.

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"I can't," I reply weakly.

"What is it? How do you know Pelagius?" Arthur continues with his questions.

"We have met on several occasions," I start, choosing my words carefully as not to reveal too much. "He taught his freedom for all theories to any one who would listen. It did not turn out as well as he would have hoped. The rich are not so willing to believe in an idea that would loose them their slaves. They prosecuted him and had him excommunicated from the church and exiled."

Arthur stares at me. "When did this all happen?" he asks shocked and confused.

"Six months ago." We fall silent.

"How do you know all this?" Arthur finally asks.

"I witnessed it all."

"Why?"

"My mother was being prosecuted at the same time and so I had no choice but to stand by and watch my parents' demise." It is finally out and for some reason I feel somewhat better telling him.

"Parents?" Arthur asks confused. I look at him, I know he wanted to know about my past and I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell him.

"My mother was an Egyptian who was once a slave but my father saved her and married her. Since then people always thought she was a witch and eventually created enough faux evidence to convict her. After my mother was killed my father lost his will to fight and submitted to the terms of the church."

"Where is your father now?"

"I don't know. He was banished." Arthur stares at me and then suddenly his eyes light up as if everything began to connect.

"Pelagius, he was your father."

I nod.

Arthur studies me, as if looking for some resemblance between me and Father. After a few minutes he sees it. "You look like him."

"Unfortunately," I smile. "I inherited all the wrong traits from him."

He smiles at me. "I don't know why I didn't see it before."

"It's not a great resemblance; many people could not even see it."

"Is he alive?"

"As far as I know. If he is though, I don't think joining him would be the best thing to do. He is considered a traitor for his teachings and anyone associated with him will surely suffer the same fate," I inform him.

"What about you? Why are you here?" Arthur wears a puzzled look as if trying to understand why I am here.

"I have no idea. They say it is to marry Alecto, but I rather doubt that. If he is next in line to be Pope he cannot marry and if he could, the daughter of a traitor is not the ideal bride for such an extinguished man," I reply sarcastically.

"So they didn't tell you why?"

"No, they just sent me on the first ship here. I would have preferred to follow Father, but they would not allow it."

Arthur looks at me again, as if still trying to place the last few pieces of the puzzle together. "Why didn't you tell me before? Did you not know I knew your father?"

"I knew about you. Father always spoke of you. You are the son he never had. When I was younger I use to hate you because I thought Father loved you more then me. But that's not the reason I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get involved."

"Involved?"

"Something is wrong with everything that is happening and I don't want to get any one else involved. If someone has to suffer it will be me and me alone." I stop, surprised that that came out. I had thought about this a few times but I never actually believed it.

"What do you mean wrong?"

"Everything is. I can't tell you exactly what it is, but don't you feel something strange about all of this. There has to be something more then the obvious. There just has to be." I look at Arthur and then I notice that we have stopped and all of the other knights have gathered around us and were listening.

"Perhaps they are just taking mercy on you?" Arthur suggests.

"I rather doubt that," I reply bitterly, remembering how they treated Mother and me when they held us as prisoners.

"What is it?" Gawain asks as he looks at me.

"Nothing."

"It's nothing. They did something to you didn't they," Gawain says.

I shake my head and decide to tell them everything. I am too tired to think of excuses and ways to dodge their questions. Sighing, I start telling them everything. "I was held prisoner by them for months. They came and took my father and then returned a few days later for me. My mother fought them and so they took her as well. She was convicted as a witch and hanged. They made us watch it. They tried to make me confess to evils my parents have done but I refused. I watched as they broke my father and finally made him submit to their will and made him sign a confession to all the evil things he never did and exiled him. I watched it all happen and could do nothing." I pause. They watch me as if expecting me to burst into tears, but I have no tears to cry. I didn't have them when it happened and I don't have them now. It feels strange to tell them. I have played the words through my mind many times but I never expected to tell them. They wait for me to continue. "They were not kind in their treatment of us; they beat my mother many times before they hung her. They were a bit liberal with their whips with my father as well." I leave it at that. There is really nothing else to say.

"But…" Arthur starts.

"But what? How could they do such a thing?" I interject. "Easily. They care for themselves and will use anything to make their stations in life more comfortable, even if it means evoking the name of God. I rather doubt God ordered that men should be slaves to other men and that people not born the same or of different races should be thought of with no more importance then an animal. If that is so, I will have nothing to do with the Roman god."

"Harsh words for one so young," Arthur remarks.

"I have reason to be." They stare at me.

"You are different," Gawain says.

"What do you mean?"

"You seemed like a normal rich lady when you came, just with a few strange habits. I didn't think too much of that. But I never expected all this to be in you."

"What's 'this'?"

"I don't know, spirit I suppose."

"Spirit?"

"Gawain's right, what you just said…" Arthur stops.

"Threw you a bit didn't it?" I smile.

"Yes, I never expect so much depth, perception, or such a different opinion."

"You just thought I was a brainless lady being sent off to be married and live a life of fashion and comfort."

"Yes," Arthur replies, somewhat ashamed of himself. "I would like to…"

"There is no need to apologize. I understand, it is the story of my life. It's Father's fault mainly that I'm the way I am. He taught me to think for myself and let me get away with everything."

"Well," Arthur starts, as if trying to find the right words.

"There is no need to say anything more on the subject. Perhaps we can enjoy the rest of the journey," I suggest.

"Yes, I could."

"He always thought you would turn out this way," I say. "Father has great faith in you. You have done him a great thing by being who you are." Before Arthur can reply, I close the curtain; I have had enough talking for the moment.


	11. Chapter 10

**Note:** Sorry it took so long. Now that my other story is done I can concentrate on this one. I hope the chapter's ok. Have a nice read and a nice day. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

"_We are almost there. I fear what is to come. I pray that all will be well, but deep down inside me I know it will not be. I just know it…"_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

Chapter 10

"Bit strange don't you think?" Bors asks.

"Shh…She might hear you," Gawain says.

"There hasn't been any sign of life from the carriage for hours now, I'm pretty sure she's asleep," Bors replies.

"We can't be certain. You can never know about her, that's for sure," Galahad says. "I mean all that…I don't know. She's just different and I don't think we can assume anything about her."

"The young idiot finally learning something?" Tristan asks. "I am shocked."

They laugh. "I still think she's strange," Bors says.

"How so?" Galahad asks.

"Moody for one thing, I mean hiding her cuts from us and snapping at us for trying to be gentlemanlike. I expected a Roman lady to be afraid of her own shadow; instead we get one like a half-tamed pup, a nose for trouble and unpredictable. Next thing you know she's going to be running away."

"I don't think she'll do that. She is a mystery, I must admit," Tristan says.

"She's not. Knowing who her father is makes her a bit more understandable, although I don't understand why she is so secretive," Arthur admits.

"What does her father have to do with why she's the way she is?" Lancelot asks.

"She's a lot like him in many ways. I fear that if Marius is as he is said to be, she will have a hard time. He is not one to harbor liberalists, and this lady is an extreme."

"Are all Roman ladies like her?"

"No."

"Good, I don't think I could handle more of her," Lancelot remarks. The others laugh. I listen quietly, somewhat happy that I have them so baffled. The remark about Marius is not comforting though. I will have to play the part Mother always wanted me to play if I am to survive. I only hope I can, for I have never been to well at hiding my thoughts and feelings if they are strongly felt.

The knights grow silent. I wait for them to continue on with their conversation but they don't. So I am left to my thoughts again. I fiddle with the bracelet and sigh. Things were so simple and now they are complicated. I shake my head and close my eyes, willing my mind not to think of Conn or Father. Slowly, my mind clears and I relax. "Sleep," I whisper. I close my eyes and sleep claims me.

I wake to the jerking movements of the carriage. It has stopped. Slowly, I climb out to see what is wrong. The sun greets me and I stumble back, blinded by his light. "What is it?" I ask.

"Lunch," Galahad says cheerfully. I shake my head and begin to walk around; my body is stiff and sore. The knights make preparations for a meal and I wonder why. They have never made an elaborate effort for lunch before.

As if he could read my mind, Arthur says, "There's no hurry. We have made good time and should be there tomorrow. There is no need to hurry." In other words, he could not bring himself to leave me yet. He must still have questions. I nod and sit down at the place provide for me. We all eat silently. I love the silence. It is not awkward; it is a comfortable silence, a companionable silence. How I have missed comfortable silence. It is almost as if I am back home, sitting in the courtyard with Father and the others. I blink and shake off the memory. I have to stay in the present, I cannot continue on retreating to the past.

Determined to stay in the present, I concentrate on being conversational, a hard thing for me to be. I try to make small talk, a talent I never learned, but fail miserable. "Well," I start. I glance around, trying to find something to talk about. "The…weather is nice." The knights reply politely and continue on eating. After a few minutes, the knights finished their meal and began to clean things up. I offer to help, but they say it is not needed. Defiantly, I start helping anyway. I am not ignorant; I have been out on the land before. No one says anything and soon we are ready to leave. I head back to the carriage, expecting that they would want to put me back there for the remainder of the day, but to my surprise, Arthur approaches with a second mount.

"I thought you would like some fresh air," he says. I smile, so my antics did not condemn me.

"You've read my mind." I mount horse, noting it's a different one then the one they had me ride before. He was larger and had more spirit. I grin and kick him off. The horse moves magnificently and for a moment, I feel as if I'm riding Apollo again. My fantasy is interrupted by Galahad.

"La…Alexa," he starts.

I smile; he remembered to use my name. "Yes?"

"Ummm…" he mutters. I raise my eyebrow in questioning. "I…"

"Sir Galahad, I cannot answer you if you do not ask a question."

"The lad's tongue tied," Bors inputs.

"What ever for?" I ask, confused to why anyone would be tongue tied around me.

"Might he have a crush on her?" Bors teases.

Galahad burns red. "No, I think not," I say, trying to save him. "I believe he was just trying to keep me company, but did not want to be teased and got a little embarrassed. Is that not so?" I look at him.

"Yes."

"There, you see. Leave him be. Besides, I am practically a married woman." I spit out the word married. I do not like the idea of marrying a complete stranger. "So it would be pointless to flirt with me. It would only break hearts," I say dramatically. They chuckle and we continue to ride on in silence.

The time passes quickly, and soon night is falling. We come to a halt in a glen and set up camp. I groom my mount, speaking to him as I would have done with Apollo. "That's a good boy. If only we could really ride," I mutter. I glance around me. The knights were busy. If I wanted to I could ride off before they could stop me. I am tempted too, but then memories of my last flight return and I decide against it. Perhaps later, when they are all asleep.

We eat dinner and just sit around, the knights talking about pointless things. I wish I could stay with them forever. I don't want to marry this Alecto. I wanted to be free. Soon it is time for sleep and I climb into my carriage and wait for sounds of them to be asleep. Gawain and Tristan have first watch and I watch them, trying to find the right moment to slip away. It comes and I slide out of the carriage and creep to the mount I have ridden all day.

"Shhh," I whisper as I lead him away. "We're going for a run." When we are far enough away that I'm sure they will not hear me, I climb onto the horse's bare back, twist my fingers into his mane, and kick off. The horse jolts and flies. As one, we ride through the darkness. As one, we ride. Oh, how we ride. Everything melts away. I am home on Apollo on one of our midnight rides. Father is at home reading his books, and Mother is planning her week. Not a soul is out. It's just me, Apollo, and the moon. We race the moon. Flying over fences and hills. A ride approaches and I lean in, urging my mount to go faster. We race. Dodging trees and boulders until we break the trees and come to a river, I pull to a stop and wait for the rider to catch up. I smile and wait for him. "I won you C…" Gawain emerges from the woods. I shake my head. I must have gone away again. "Gawain."

Breathing heavily, he replies, "You put up quite a race." He smiles and I laugh.

"I use to race the moon."

He shakes his head. "The moon? Did you win?"

"No, she did." We dismount and let our horses rest.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Riding," I reply.

"Why didn't you tell someone?"

"Didn't think I needed too, I would have been back before anyone knew I was gone."

"Arthur would have killed us if he found out you left without someone."

"Is that why you're here?" I ask.

"No, Tristan and I saw you ride off and I volunteered to follow you. I'm not going to force you to go back, but I cannot let you stay out here alone."

"Understandable. You can stay, I suppose."

"Why did you come here?" he asks looking around them.

"I didn't. I just rode as fast as I could. Figured I probably won't be riding like this for a while and needed to get it out of my system before I put on my best lady-like behavior." Gawain laughs. "I wish tonight would never end. Then I wouldn't have to be at the Roman lord's home, trapped there for all eternity." I chuckle. "Forgive me, as you probably have noticed, I have a flair for the dramatics."

"Have you met this man you are to marry?" Gawain asks out of the blue. I look at him, wondering why he would care.

"No," I reply. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Gawain says hurriedly. "How can you do it? Marry someone you've never met."

"I don't have much of a choice. The Church seized all of my father's property, including me, and I am only a 'tool' of the Church."

"What if you're not happy?"

"Marriage is not about happiness," I reply bitterly. What is with Gawain asking all these questions?

"Shouldn't it be?"

"Yes, but when politics get involved, happiness is not a requirement."

"You don't sound happy. Do you have someone else?"

I blink. A bit to personal for my liking but I oblige him. "Once. He lived on my father's land. His name was Conn…Constantine. We were best friends growing up."

"He gave you the bracelet."

"Yes," I whisper, remembering that night yet again. I hold the bracelet in my hand. "The bracelet."

"Alexa, I thought you would have known." Conn looks at me. Something new shines from his eyes. I don't know what it is.

"I'm confused."

Conn comes to me. "The bracelet. Remember?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say as I shake my head. He looks desperate as if what he is trying to get me to understand is the most important thing on earth.

He leans in to me. "The bracelet," he repeats as he kisses me. The bracelet. Coriel's bracelet! How could I have been so dumb? I had seen the bracelet most of my life and yet I could not recognize it. The bracelet Conn would give to the woman he loved. Then it occurred to me, I wore the bracelet. Conn loves me? I pull back from the kiss.

"What?" I stutter.

"I love you," he whispers, as he holds my face in his hands.

I am dumbfounded as he kisses me again. He loves me. How could I have been so thick as not to get that? As I thought about things, they all began to make sense. The fights with Max, their strange behavior around me, everything added up. "How long?"

"A long time."

"Max? You? Because of me?" There was no need to say more, we both knew what I am talking about.

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"I think the first time I knew it for sure was at your coming out party and you came down the stairs in your gown. You glowed. I could have kissed you then." He kisses me again and then hugs me. "I can't believe it took me this long to tell you."

I blink and turn to look at him. "You where jelous?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I wasn't sure if you felt the same way."

"I'm not even sure. I didn't understand why you were acting so strange around me. I thought you were in love with someone. I was jealous and angry. I didn't want to loose you. But now that I think about it, I love you too. I love you. I knew I loved you when I thought about you marrying another girl." We kiss again and then we dance.

"Alexa?" Gawain asks. I blink and shrug off the floating feeling of the memories.

"What?"

"I asked you what happened too him."

"Who?"

"Constantine."

"He left me."

"Why?"

"Class, money, my mother. Too many reasons to count."

"Do you miss him?

"Some times," I reply. "Why do you ask me such questions?"

Gawain stops and then says, "Just wondering."

I look into his eyes. This time I'm not a fool. I see the same look I saw in Conn's so very long ago. How it happened, I did not know. I've only meet him less then a week ago and yet he wears the same look. I shake my head. "No."


	12. Chapter 11

**Note:**Thanks for the reviews! Here is another chapter. Sorry it's kind of fast. I hope it's okay. Happy reading!

"_I am alone. Alone with my memories…"_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

"No! You cannot."

"What?" he asks innocently.

"Gawain, I know the look in your eyes. Forget about it. I'm a heartache waiting to happen."

He blinks, shocked. "How did…"

"It's not the first time. You might think you love me but you don't. If not love, like me perhaps, you don't. We'll never see each other again after tomorrow. Forget anything you feel about me. I am but a fleeting memory."

"We don't have to be," he says. "I don't know what it is about you, but since the first moment I saw you, I've been drawn to you. When we went riding that night I knew you were different from any woman I have ever met or will ever met. You're a walking contradiction and unpredictable. You're…"

"A fleeting memory best forgotten for ever." He looks at me. "I mean it."

"You could come back with me. We could say you got lost or killed. We could come up with something. You don't have to go. You could run away." How he knew what I am thinking about I do not know, but to hear these thing spoken out loud made me remember what Father once told me. "To run away is to admit defeat. Do not let defeat win." I shake my head.

"No. I will go. I will not run away. I will not."

"I don't understand. Why?"

"I'm not going to admit defeat. Running away is admitting defeat."

"What about what you want?"

"I want to live. I can do that anywhere. If I runaway they might punish you knights for loosing me. I cannot hide at the fort because the Roman guards saw me. I have no where else to go." I try to think of other excuses. Love is a fickle thing. One can never know if they are really in love or just infatuated.

"But…" I get up and he follows.

"We should be getting back," I say lightly. Before he can say anything else, I climb onto the back of my horse and ride back the way I came as fast as I can. Tristan sees me and he greets me.

"Out for a midnight ride?"

"Yes." I climb off the horse as he takes it and leads it to the other mounts. "Good night," I say as I climb back into the carriage and close the door. I hear Gawain ride up. I can see him, confused. He will never understand. Perhaps someday I might understand why I'm going into the unknown.

The next morning, Gawain passes me confused looks. I am back in the carriage, since we should arrive any moment. I hold my breath and pray that my fears are only that. I pray that reality will be less harsh then my nightmares. As predicated, by noon we arrive. It is a small fortress with its own village. We come to a stop at the gate and Arthur announces us. "I am Arthur Castus, Commander of the knights of Hadrian's Wall. We bring you Lady Alexandrea, daughter of Pelagius." A fat bald man peaks up from over the battlement.

"Enter," he cries. Slowly, the gates open. They go in. Arthur opens the carriage door and helps me out. I remind myself that I am a lady and try to act like one. I am still starched and bruised, but most of them are hidden underneath my clothes. I am greeted by the fat man. In the back ground, a woman stands with a boy. He looks to be about my age and I infer that he is Alecto, my supposed groom.

"Alexandrea, we have been waiting. God bless you have arrived unharmed," the fat man, Marius says as he hugs me. He smiles, but underneath his smile, I see something else. His pleasant face is just a mask. From the moment I see him, my fears are gratified. I have brought myself to Hell. I knew it. I look at Alecto and his mother. His mother is beautiful but her face speaks of tales of woe. I look at the knights; they do not seem to see what I see. I sigh. If things go wrong, I will have only myself to rely upon; I only hope I am strong enough to make it through the trials that lay ahead of me.

They have a feast prepared and we all feast. The knights are jovial and Marius wears his mask well. There is something about his wife that puzzles me. I wish I knew what it is she is hiding behind her painted face.

The feast ends too soon and the knights decide to leave. I bide them all farewell. Arthur is the last to leave; he seems to sense I am uneasy. "All will be well. If it's not, send word to me and I shall come back and take you away." I smile, knowing I would never do that. He and his knights were too nice to condemn them to eternal servitude. I assure him that I will and I stand on the battlement, watching as the last of my hope dies and dread grows.

As soon as the knights are gone, Marius beckons me to his chamber. Reluctantly, I go. He says nothing; he just looks at me, inspecting me as if I were a horse at market. "You resemble your mother." I blink.

"You knew my mother?"

"Don't speak unless spoken too!" he snaps. "Yes, very much like her in looks." He walks towards me. I watch him. He circles me like a vulture. "Fresh meat," he mutters as he trails his finger down my face, my neck making his way towards my chest. "Very nice." I glare at him. What ever he thinks he's going to do, he is mistaken. He circles me a few more times before he dismisses me. "You are dismissed." He watches me leave.

Outside of his quarters, I am met by a guard. He leads me through corridors and locks me away in the farthest recesses of the manor. So this is my fate. To be locked away for his lordship's carnal pleasures.

My room is small and windowless. It is dark; the only light comes from the cracks in the door. I feel my way around, finding only four walls and a bed. Sighing, I find a corner and sit. I do not do well in enclosed spaces, and this is as enclosed as a person can get. I press against the cool stone wall and let loose my mind. If I am to be trapped in this lightless world, the past is a much better place to dwell.

I remember Apollo, the feel of the wind flying through my hair. I replay memories of riding Apollo over and over again. I have no idea how much time has passed. All I know is that the light in the hall has disappeared and I am now in total darkness. It is in the darkness that he comes. The lock clicks warning as he enters my room. He carries a lamp and my eyes hurt from its small light. He closes the door behind him, sets the lamp on the floor and orders me to stand up. I remain huddled in my corner. He orders me to stand again, and again I refuse. He grows angry and comes towards me, looming over me, a creature of nightmares. He grabs my arm and jerks me to my feet. "You will do as I order you too." I pull away from him. "I am your master as was I your mother's. You do as I say and no harm will come to you. You fight and pain will follow." I am stunned. Marius was the man Father saved Mother from. The dread I felt before has returned. I knew there was something strange about being sent here. Now I know why. Marius was having his revenge on my parents. He now enslaved the daughter of the man he hated. He held the power and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I close my eyes and will my mind away. I will myself to remember Conn, Father, Mother, Arthur, Gawain, and the knights. I think I should have gone with them as Marius moves me to the bed. I think I would be better off dead. I think…


	13. Chapter 12

**Note:** Thanks for all of the reviews! So here is another installment. I hope you like it. Thanks for reading!

"_Time no longer exists. Everything is a large blur. The Dark is my company. The Dark and Memory…"_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

I lay huddled in a ball in the corner farthest from the bed. Memories of the previous night flood my mind. I will them away. I think of Conn, of his gentle touch, of his gentle kisses. He wants to marry me. Father consents but Mother refuses. She thinks I can do better then a poor village lad. I am angry with her. How can she be so selective? She too, was once poor. I don't care of Conn has no money; I have enough for us to live on comfortably. I told him this but Conn would not hear anything on the subject. He says that he will make his fortune and make himself worthy of me. Worthy? Why does he think he has to make himself worthy, I want him, and only him.

We are walking, stealing quick kisses here and there as we go. "Alexa, we have to talk."

I look up at him, "What is it?"

"I love you. I love you and want you to be my wife, but I have to prove myself first. "

"No, no you don't."

He put his hand over my mouth, "Yes, I do. That is why I have to go away for a while. I'm joining the army and make my fortune that way."

"No, don't you dare!" I cry when he let me speak. "You'll get killed. It could take years for you to come back. I won't let you."

"Alexa, I have too." He kisses me again. "You must understand." He looks at me.

"Why? I don't want you to go."

"I will be back. I promise you. I love you and not even Hell can separate us."

He kisses me again. "Please don't go," I whisper. "Please." He says nothing; he just holds me and his arms.

The next day, I wait by the stables. Father gave Conn a horse and I waited with it for Conn. He comes, all dressed for travel. We say nothing, we just hold each other. He kisses me goodbye and leaves. I stand and watch him go. "Remember!" I cry after him. "Remember!" He rides on. He leaves. I close my eyes. I will not cry. I will not.

"I will not cry," I whisper to myself as I lay on the cold stone floor. I don't know how long I have been here. All I know is that Marius has visited me five times, all of which that have been when the light around the door is gone. Slowly, I get up. I have to get out. Inspecting the door, I find that it has a loose hinge. If only I could get it off. Footsteps approach the door and I fly back to my corner. The door creaks open and I brace myself for another visit from Marius, but to my surprise it is his wife.

"Hush child," she says softly. The light in the hall is blinding and I have to shield my eyes. She closes the door and lights a candle. Looking at me, she sighs and beckons me towards her. "It's alright child. I will not harm you." Her voice is calming and, for some reason, I trust her and come towards her. She has a basin full of water and a basket with her. Slowly, she takes a cloth and begins to clean my new cuts and bruises that I have acquired since I have arrived. When she is finished cleaning my cuts, she places the basket before me, it has food in it. Famished, I attach a loaf of bread, and almost choke on it. "Easy, it's not going anywhere." She offers me a bottle; I drink from it eagerly to discover fresh water. She sits with me as I eat. When I am done, she takes the basket and basin, leaving me the bottle of water. "I will try to come back as soon as I can," she says gently.

She gets up to go. "Thank you," I croak. She smiles down at me, it is a sad smile. It is almost as if she knew what it is that I am going through. "Name?" I ask.

"Fulcinia." She leaves. Fulcinia, God's angel. He had not forgotten me. With my stomach now full, I go back to my corner with my bottle. It is a ceramic bottle. I fiddle with it absentmindedly. Then it hits me. I have been given a tool. I drink all the water from it and break it. It shatters and I pick up the pieces, cutting my hands but not caring. I tore a piece of cloth from my dress and wrapped them in it, leaving the largest piece out. I hold the piece in my hand. What I was going to do with it, I did not know, but I feel better having it with me. I tuck the cloth under the bed and hide the piece in my hand inside my skirts. When the time came, I would know exactly what to do with it.

Not long after Fulcinia left, Marius came. He does is duty and leaves me alone again. It does not hurt as much now. It is the pain that lets me know I'm still alive. Memories of Conn flood my mind, and I welcome them. We are swimming. He pulls me into the water, ruining another gown, but I don't care. I try to be mad at him, but he washes my anger away by wrapping me up in his arms and kisses me. I do love it when he kisses me. Lately, his kisses have become more forceful, as if he is yearning for something more. I don't know what it is he wants, and he will not tell me. I am quite content with kissing him. We are interrupted by Max, who has been very strange around me. "Alexa, your father wants you."

Sighing, I move away from Conn and let Max help me back to shore. He carries a cloak with him that he wraps around my wet shoulders. I thank him and look longingly at Conn. He comes towards shore and climbs out, his black hair plastered to his tanned face. "I'll take her," he volunteers.

"No, I have too." He takes my arm and leads me away. He takes me to the stable where Father waits, looking somewhat agitated.

"Thank you Maximus, you may go." With that, Max leaves. I turn to Father. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"Nothing," I reply.

"Have I taught you nothing?" he asks.

"What do you mean?" I look at him, confused.

"I know about you and Conn. I give you my blessing, but I think you are moving a bit to fast. You have only been with him for a month and you already have him all over you. As a father I am worried. You spend far too much time alone with him. If you are to marry, then it will be the proper way. I will not have you giving yourself away before your union is sanctioned, which is why I am issuing you a chaperone. Coriel is to always with you when you and Conn are together, and no more swims together, it is to tempting."

"But Father, we are not doing anything wrong," I argue. "We just kiss."

"Kissing can lead to other things." I am confused, Father have never acted this way before. "Do you promise me to never see Conn unless someone else is there?"

"I promise," I mutter. This seems to satisfy him and he tells me to go and get cleaned up for dinner. Darkness falls and I am back in the present. If Father could only see me now. I sigh and close my eyes. The present is too much to think about.

I don't know how long I've been here. I would guess a few weeks. Fulcinia visits me as often as she can, usually when Marius is away aggravating the villagers. It is hard to believe that she is married to such a monster, but then Roman nobility rarely has a say in who they marry, actually it mainly applies to the women. She brings me food and water and soothes my cuts and bruises I keep acquiring every time I get a little to rebellious for Marius tastes. I tried to fight back, but he is much larger then I and I am weak from being holed up in this room all the time. Fulcinia tells me, I have been here for almost three months. It seems much longer. I thank God that Marius's visits have grown fewer. I still have the shards of the first bottle Fulcinia left me. She hasn't left me any more, but I am pretty sure she knows I still have the other one. I know she will not tell on me. She knows what it is like to be at the receiving end of Marius's rages.

All my days blend into one. The only time I know different is when Fulcinia tells me so. Marius comes and goes, I am ever watchful for a chance to escape. Finally my chance comes. Marius has come drunk and forgets to shut the door all the way. I see the chance and wait until he is finished with me and sleeping on the bed. Slowly, I slip out from under him and run. I fly through the door and down the hall. The light hurts my eyes but I keep on running. I run through a labyrinth of corridors until I find one that leads outside. Elated, I race out only to find my escape thwarted by an armed guard. He moves in front of me and stops my escape. I try to dodge him but he catches me. "Let me go!" I cry. "Let me go!" I struggle, but the guard is too strong for me. He turns me around to face him.

I glare up at him. Our eyes meet. My jaw drops. "Conn?"

"Alexa?" he whispers.

"Let me go, please?" I ask. "He'll…" Conn shakes his head. "Conn?"

"I can't," he says, his face distorted with guilt. "I have my orders. I am not to let his lordships new slave escape."

"But it's me, Alexa. You love me remember. Remember? The bracelet. Remember!" This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening. "Please, let me go!" There is a strange feeling in my chest, almost as if my heart is being ripped out. If I had tears to cry, I would cry.

"I have my orders," he says quietly.

"Damn your bloody orders!" I cry and try to break away. How could he? How could he? Conn, my Conn, betray me. How could he? I scream at him, asking him why, why is he doing this. He does not answer my calls. He just leads me back the way I came. Back into the darkness. Back into Hell, taking away my only comfort, my memories of him, of us, of everything.


	14. Chapter 13

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews! Here is another chapter. I hope you like it. Happy reading!

"_Dark, darkness, dark. My world was nothing but black. No hope, no memories, nothing…" Except from Alexandrea's Journal_

I sit in my room. My dark room. Conn brought me back here. He betrayed me. I am too shocked to do anything but fume. He said he loved me. He said he would be back. He never came back. He didn't even try to find me. He didn't try to save me. I received a beating for my escape attempt and Conn received a reward. Sold out for money, the money he left me to get. Ironic that he left for me and now gets money off of me.

I never want to see him again, but to my good fortune, he comes to visit me. "Alexa," he says.

"Go away," I snap.

"Alexa, please, listen to me."

"Why?" I ask.

"I had to."

"Had to?"

"If I didn't you would have been caught anyway and I would have been arrested and charged."

"It's always about you," I say bitterly.

"What is that suppose to mean?" he asks, a hint of pain is in his voice.

"You didn't have to leave, but you did. Now I find you again and you are working with that foul man."

"I had to leave, I had to for us."

"Us? There isn't any 'us' any more. You left, things happened, and people change." I turn my back to him.

"Alexa, I love you. Everything I've done is because I love you. Believe me."

I rip the bracelet off my wrist and throw it at his head. "Take it. I don't want it any more." He looks at me as if I just slapped him. He tries to say something else, but decides against it and leaves. As he leaves, a tear slides down my nose. The person I trusted most, besides Father, betrayed me. He keeps me captive in Hell and expects me to fawn all over him like he is some knight in shinning armor. Arthur would not have done that. Arthur would have saved me. My thoughts trail to Arthur and his knights. They were not polished like the Roman solders but they were gallant and courageous. They would save me if they were here. Gawain would have let me go. It is strange that Gawain creeps into my thoughts. I didn't even think the blonde knight had made such a large impression on me.

Angry at everything, I sit in the dark; my memories are no longer comforting. I feel nothing, I see nothing. Nothing. Sitting in the dark, all I can see is his face, Conn's face as he led me back to this horrid room. Time passes again. I don't know how much. Fulcinia has come a few more times. Marius many more times than that. I used my bottle shards, I sliced him, but I didn't get a good jab in, it was only a scratch. He gave me a beating for the attempt.

The dark surrounds me, pain is the only way I know I am still alive. Marius's visits have completely stopped and I am forgotten like some old trinket. I am not complaining, I prefer to be left alone in my misery, in the darkness. Fulcinia still visits though. She brings me food and water. She talks to me, for I have forgotten my voice a long time ago. It is a comfort to hear her voice. A small light in my dark existence.

"Are you well?" she asks me as she places a piece of bread in my hands. She has a candle with her. I shy away from the light. Faint though it is, it still hurts my eyes. "Poor child," she whispers. "He leaves you here in the dark with no food or water. I think he probably has forgotten about you. It is almost as bad as his dungeon. At least he does not remember you enough to torture you." She continues to talk as I eat. I wonder why Marius forgot me. Not that I am upset over the fact, its just that I wonder why he has not let me go. I miss the sun, light, wind, fresh air. Lost in my thoughts, I don't even notice Fulcinia leave. She left me the bottle of water and the basket that has some more food. This amount of food means she will not be able to come back for a while. Sighing, I tear the food into portions and hide them under the bed. I will have to monitor my food and water intake.

Time passes, as always, I have no idea how much has passed. I have another visitor, not Fulcinia though. "Alexa?" Conn's voice calls. I try to tell him to go away, but my voice refuses to work. The door opens and light floods in blinding me. "Alexa," he says gentle as he closes the door. Blinded, I rely on my ears. I hear him come towards me. I pull back against the wall. "Alexa," his voice sounds pained. "What have they done to you?" I can only imagine that he is talking about the state I'm in. I must look a wreck. My hair is greasy and my skin dirty and covered with old, dried blood. "Alexa," he says.

I turn my back to him. I did not want to look at him. Looking at him only reminded me of the past and his betrayal. I have almost pushed all of the memories away and did not wish to have another flood of them. "I cannot believe they would treat you like this," he says. "You're so pale and thin. Do they not feed you? Is this a way to treat a lady?" At the sound of lady I remember the knights and how they called me lady. I am no lady. I am just a player playing my part to survive in this Hell hole.

"Go away," I croak.

"Alexa." He kneels next to me and touches my back lightly. "What did he do?' he asks as he runs his fingers across the old scabs on my back.

I pull away from him. "Go," I say.

"Does he feed you?" He grabs my wrist. "No, he probably doesn't. That's bastard," he says angrily. I gasp. He realizes that he has hurt me and sets my arm down gently. "I'm sorry, if I had known what he was going to do with you, I would have let you go. I would have gone with you. We could have gone off on our own and…"

"Just go," I say bitterly. Still facing the wall, I hear him get up.

"I will redeem for my sin, I promise you that." He moves towards the door.

"How long," I ask hoarsely.

"It has been over a year," he says quietly. "I will come back with food, water, and a blanket." He leaves. I think about what he told me. I have been here for over a year. I didn't know that. It seemed much longer and yet shorter at the same time. I don't know how long I will be able to bear this. A year in the darkness. I don't think I can bear another year.

As promised, Conn returns with water, enough to wash in; a candle, food, a God sent since Fulcinia's store had run out a few days ago; and a blanket and cloths. He lights the candle and pours some water into a basin. I close my eyes, the small light is painful. He comes towards me. "Alexa, come. I've brought some of Mother's ointment for your wounds." I try to move but my limbs are frozen. He sees that and comes to me. Gently, he picks me up as if I was no heavier then a feather and carries me to the bed. My body stiffens, automatically remembering what happens on the bed. "At ease my love," he whispers. "No harm shall come to you." I force my body to relax and sit at the edge of the bed. He places the candle on the floor next to me and pulls the basin of water towards me. "I'm sorry it's cold, but if I were to order warm water it would look suspicious and I think it would be best for you if no one suspected my visits." In the dim light, I can see his face. He looks older and grimmer since the last time we met. Gingerly, I place my hand on his face. It is so warm. I realize that the worry in his face is for me. I see my arms; my bones jut out in odd angles. I was thin but not this thin. I can only imagine how the rest of me look.

"Turn around, let me clean the blood from your back." I comply. My dress is nothing but shredded rags and it is easy for Conn to wash my old wounds. The cold water makes my skin tingle.

"Why?" I ask, still limited to small sentences since my voice seems to not want to work.

"I didn't know what he was going to do to you. I was just following orders," he said, thinking that was what I meant. I shake my head.

"Why come back?"

"I had to come. I had to see what became of you. They never let you out. I thought they just kept you here until you got use to the idea of living here. His lordship said that you were the reluctant bride to his son and you needed time to adjust. But when I did not see anything of you, even at the feasts I began to worry. I came back to this room and found you.

"I must admit that I was mad that you were betrothed to the lord's son, but I figure that was a lie, a cover up to get you here. But why?"

"Mother," I said. "He was Mother's master." Like anyone who lived on Father's land, Conn knew how Father saved Mother from and abusive master.

"No, he can't be," Conn said.

"Yes. He is."

Conn continues to clean my wounds and when he is done, he uses the rest of the water in the basin on my hair. He gently massages the water into my hair and untangles the knots and other objects in my hair. When he is done, and the remanding water in the basin is black-red, he hands me a robe. "One of the lass's from the village gave this too me for you. It should fit you." I touch it lightly; it is a rough material, but heavy and most likely warmer then the rags I wore now. Conn turns around to let me dress. I try to get out of my old dress but my limbs will not comply and I end up asking for Conn's help. He gently removes my dress, averting his eyes from looking straight at me, and wraps me up in the new robe like a babe.

He takes my torn dress and bundles it up. "Here," he says as he hands me a cloak. "It will keep you warm." He drapes it over my shoulders and places the hood on my head. He then gives me a bag of food and a jug of water. "This is the best I can do at the moment. When I can, I will be back with more." Looking at me, I see that he really does care. The same look he gave me before all of this happened reflects in his eyes. I feel horrible. How can he still love me after all the mean things I said to him. How can he still love me with the way I look and knowing what has happened to me. I feel like crying, if only I had tears to shed.

"Thank you," I croak. He smiles at me.

"I will find a way to get you out of here," he says. "We will go a way and live happily. We will get married and live life like this never happened." He kisses my forehead, grabs the basin, my old dress, and candle and leaves. As the darkness descends again, I ball up into Conn's cloak; it is his for it smells like him. I close my eyes and dream. Perhaps there is hope. I fall asleep, for the first time in a long time, happy. As happy as I could be considering my circumstances.


	15. Chapter 14

**Note: Sorry it took so long, things have been hectic with finals and all the fun stuff. I also apologize for the chapter's lenghth. It is short, but I promise that the next chapter will be longer and up sooner than this one. Thanks for sticking around and have a nice day.**

_" There is nothing, nothing but darkness..."_

_written in Alexandrea's Journal_

He has not come back. No one has. Not even Fulcinia. The food is gone and I am all dirty again. I had hoped that Conn would come back and save me, but I can see it was only my mind playing tricks on me, yet again. I sit in the dark thinking of Father. I wonder how he is. He could be anywhere, anywhere out there, alone like me. In sleep, I dream of him. He is smiling and happy. Mother is with him. They look younger and in love. I have never seen them like this before. I smile at the image as I wake. They looked happy as they should have been. Something in the back of my mind tells me that they are both happy. I wish I knew for sure.

Time passes, as usual, without me knowing how much of it has passed. I am lost in my own mind. Conn confuses me. I know he helped me and brought me food, but I cannot find it within myself to forgive him completely, nor can I trust him again. It is strange how life turns out. Thinking back on all the foolish dreams I had before any of this happened is strange. All I can say is that being a prisoner was never in any of my dreams.

I hear steps in the hall, for a moment I dare to hope that it is Conn, but I push back the hope and turn away from the door. The door creeks open. "Child," Fulcinia whispers. "I have brought you food." She places a basket of food in front of me and a jug of water next to it. "I'm sorry I could not get here any sooner," she says. "There has been more trouble with Marius." I attack the food, but did not devour it as I would have liked to. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to preserve what little food I have. "Your soldier has not forgotten you," she states. I stare at her, how did she know that? "Shocked, I know. I saw him come visit you when he came. I caught him outside after he left. I advised him not to come back. If he was caught here, you both would be in trouble." It made sense, what Fulcinia is saying.

"You're right," I say.

"Eat child," she says.

"Why hasn't Marius been here?"

She looks at me as if deciding whether or not to tell me. "He has found someone else to focus on for the moment," she says. There is no need for her to say more. I felt guilty, my peace for another's pain.

"How is she?" I ask.

"A native young woman, called Guinevere."

"Guinevere," I whisper. I will remember her in my prayers, that is, when I decide on whom I will be praying to. Certainly not the Roman god, perhaps Father's god, if only I knew who that is.

"She is a fighter," Fulcinia says. Poor Fulcinia, she has so much compassion and kindness to give. The Fates must be playing tricks on her, to pair her with such a horrible man. In her eyes is see an understanding. She has been through this just that she could not get away. She was trapped, not like I am trapped, but just as contained. I wonder if she felt the same sort of liberation with the arrival of another woman to take Marius's focus from his wife. She knows what I am, and now this Guinevere, forced to endure.

"Who was she?" I ask.

"Who?"

"The woman who made Marius stray? Were you as happy to have him leave you alone as I am?"

She shakes her head. "I should not tell."

"Who was she?"

"Your mother." She gets up to leave. "She was a sweet woman. I prayed for her every night. I just wished that she did not have to suffer what I had suffered." She exits. I am too shocked to response. I knew Mother was a slave and that she belonged to Marius. What I didn't want to believe is her only purpose as a slave. I suppose, that somewhere deep inside, I knew but I didn't want to realize it.

I am alone again. My store of happy memories is spent and I have nothing to think about. Oddly, my mind wanders to the knights. It has been a long time since I thought about them. I should have taken Gawain up on his offer and ran away with him, but then that would have been selfish. I could not live with myself if I caused them great pain. I think of the last night before we arrived here, the night Gawain followed me. I still don't understand why he fell for me. Confused, yet the only memories I haven't replayed in my mind to the point of exhaustion, I remember that night, and all of the other nights between meeting the knights and coming here.

I curl up in the corner and think myself away from my cold, dark, existence. I fade in and out of consciousness. Time passes again, without letting me know it. Fulcinia has not come back for a while. I stare off to the darkness and think. To die, that would be excellent. Death would be better than this dark prison I live in. Father would tell me that life is a gift and should not be taken lightly, but when life brings nothing but misery, heartache, and pain, death is a greater gift then life. Father would probably lecture me for thinking this, but he isn't here to do so.

Closing my eyes, I sleep again, escaping to the place where nothing is and stay there as long as I possibly can.


	16. Chapter 15

**Note: **Thanks for the reviews! As promised, a longer chapter. I hope it's okay. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

_"It is a dream, it has to be...It has to be..."  
Written in Alexandrea's Journal_

I dream that they are coming, the knights. I don't know why. If what Fulcinia has told me is true, it has been almost two years since I've arrived. It seems weird. It seems like I've been here for so much longer, and, yet at the same time, it feels like no time has passed at all. It is as if it was only yesterday that Father was taken away, although it has been at least three years since that happened. The knights are probably long gone by now. Their service to Rome is most likely finished, or near completion.

Marius has returned to visit me multiple times, and I miss the solitude I had when he was distracted. I wonder where the other girl went, Guinevere; I asked Fulcinia but she will not tell me.

I think of Father and Mother. I think of home and how I was foolish not to cherish it all while I had it there to cherish. I think of all the things I never appreciated and of the people I never really liked. The life before I came here seems like a dream, a dream of a girl who never existed.

I listen at my door for signs of life. It is unusually silent. There are always a few people outside my door, doing odd jobs. Something had to be wrong. Or am I just being over paranoid? I don't know any more. I don't know anything lately. To most of the nobles back home, I would be considered insane, which I suppose I am. Everything is just a blur and they do not make sense half of the time. The other half of the time, I am lost in my mind.

To my relief, I hear shouting and shrug off my uneasiness. I hear steps coming down the hall. I fall back from the door and go back to my corner. I do not like cringing, but my body cringes without my consent. It is Marius, I think, and he is mad. There is some more shouting, I cannot make it out though, and the door flies open. Light floods into the room, blinding me. I curl up into a ball, with my hands over my head. He is in a rage, he has to be.

"Milady?" a voice says. Why does it sound so familiar? I hear the rustling of cloth and the approaching steps of the voice. "Milady, is that you?" I am touched and I press myself closer to the wall.

"Don't touch her," another voice says. "What ill fate she has suffered to make her this pathetic creature we see."

"Milady, it's alright. We will not hurt you," the first voice says.

"Alexa."

My name, I hear my name and yet it is not Conn, I know that for sure. "Who are you?" I ask hoarsely.

"She speaks," a cynical voice says.

"Lancelot?" I ask, remembering the cynic knight. This had to be another of my illusions. It is a dream. Only a dream.

"I must have made an impression."

"Alexa, we're here to save you," the first voice that shattered my darkness.

"Gawain."

"Yes," he sounds relieved.

"Come on, we have to get her out of here," a third voice says.

"Tristan?"

"Yes, lass. Get her up Gawain, we have to leave before we have visitors."

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Rescuing you," Gawain jests.

I still cannot see them, but I let Gawain pick me up and carry me out. The sun greets me and I pull back against Gawain's chest. The light hurt my eyes. We walk down some corridors and, eventually, arrive outside. "We have her," Tristan says.

"Put her back!" Marius cries. "She's my property."

"You are being evacuated," I hear Arthur say. "Besides, she is not you property."

I cling to Gawain. I don't know why, perhaps I am afraid that all of this is just a dream and that it will disappear any moment. "It's alright," he whispers to me comfortingly. "We will not leave you here." And I believe him.

"First you free the damned prisoners, and now you take my slaves. You will pay," Marius says venomously.

"Sir, get into your carriage and be quiet," Arthur says sternly. Marius does not reply. I cannot see them, but I assume Marius complied for he did not argue again. I am placed on the ground. I curl up into a ball again to block out the sun.

"What have they done to her?" Galahad asked. "She's so different."

"It's the sun," I hear Fulcinia say. "How would you react if you have not seen the sun for a long time? Hush child, it is alright." I hear her gown rustle beside me and feel the warmth of a cloak placed on my shoulders. "When we have time, I will help you clean yourself up." I pull the cloak firmly around me. It is warm and blocks out the sun.

"What has happened, lady?" Gawain asked.

"Revenge," another voice says, Conn's voice.

"Who are you?" Gawain asks.

"I'm Constantine, Conn."

I peek out to see a look of confusion on Gawain's face. He does not remember me telling him about Conn, or did I not tell him about Conn. I don't remember. It is hard to remember what I said and what was imaginary. Slowly, my eyes adjust to the light. Conn is the same Conn. He kneels beside me, as does Gawain. Both of them look concerned. To my left there is another woman. She looks worse than me.

"Guinevere," Fulcinia calls her, as she drapes another cloak around the other woman's shoulders. I study the woman; she was my savior for those brief moments, days, weeks, months. Arthur kneels between us, inspecting both of us. He catches my eyes, and I see guilt written in his eyes.

"Arthur," I whisper. "It's not your fault." He stares at me.

"I left you here," he says quietly. "I left you here even though I knew something was not right."

"You didn't know," I say softly.

"I still feel responsible."

"No one is responsible except for Marius. He was the one who did everything." He looks down at me. "Father would tell you that there was nothing you could have done. You had your orders. Besides, I am not worth the freedom of you and your knights."

He shakes his head. "Still that same Alexandrea." I smile up at him.

"Did you think I changed that much. Beaten, yes, dispirited, yes, but not completely broken."

"You're your father's daughter," he says. "Pelagius was the same way."

"I know, I know." We grow silent.

"Arthur, we must leave," Tristan says.

"Alright, get them into the spare cart and get the people moving." Arthur picks up the woman, Guinevere. Gawain and Conn bend to pick me up. They stare at each other. Seeing this, Tristan picks me up and carries me towards the carriage.

"Why did you do that?" I ask him.

"Young idiots in love, if we waited for them to decide who would carry you we would be here for ever." He smiles.

"Very observant," I remark.

"It is a bit obvious. Gawain, I noticed when we escorted you here, everyone did, even the bird-brained whelp Galahad, which was why he left you alone. We all figured that Gawain would get over you, but it is obvious he didn't when he demanded to know where you were and searched the hold for you. The other lad, because he came to you when you were brought out, most of the other men of the Roman lord didn't even look one way or the other."

"You see so much."

"Of course, why do you think I'm the scout?" he grins crookedly at me which makes him look like a mischievous boy. I smile.

"Well I am glad you intervened, but I do not need to be carried. I can walk there myself." Tristan nods and sets me down. I am still a bit dazed from the light and I lean on Tristan's arm. He leads me to the cart and helps me in.

"Enjoy the ride," he says and leaves. I look around me. The cart is old and made out of misshaped branches. Inside the woman Guinevere lays with Fulcinia by her side. To my surprise, the large knight, Dagonet, is there with a small boy in his arms. It is strange that such a large man could be so gentle. He holds the boy as if he would break at the slightest bump. I can only imagine where these two people came from. I look at Fulcinia, she shakes her head, and she will not tell me what these two have been through. From the look in her eyes, it must have been some prison far worse than the one that kept me.

We start moving, and I sit in my cloak staring outside. My eyes have stopped hurting. The knights form protective patterns around us. The Roman guards ride around Marius's carriage. I look for Conn, he is not there. I am a bit dazed about everything. I wonder why the knights are here, I know it is not for me. They are evacuating us, but I don't know why. Dagonet is silent and attends to the boy while Fulcinia alternates between me and the other woman. "Tend to her first," I say, looking at Guinevere. "She is worse off. I will live. It's more starvation and lack of sun light, other than that, I have no other wounds." I smile thinly at her. The wounds I have no one can heal.

After a while, Arthur joins us. "How are you?" he asks.

"Living," I reply dryly.

"Did he…" he looks uncomfortable.

"I will live, let's leave it at that," I say, staring at him.

"I just…"

"I know, but there was nothing you or I or any one else could have done. It was fate and it was meant to happen. I don't know why it was meant to happen, but perhaps we shall find out soon enough."

"How can you be so…"

"So what?"

"So trusting."

"Am I trusting?" I ask.

"You do not question what happened to you." If only he knew how much I have questioned it over the past long while he would not look so awe struck.

"I have questioned it. I've questioned everything I've ever known. I have come to the conclusion that it happened and there is nothing we can do now to change it so why dwell on it?" I feel like a hypocrite. All I have done so far is dwell on the past, but it seems to have comforted Arthur a bit.

"There was never meant to be a marriage was there?"

"No, Marius was my mother's old owner. Surprising how things turn out." I smile at him, trying to lighten the mood. It did not work.

"Are you sure you are okay? You're not putting on a brave face for us?"

"Trust me, I'm fine," I smile sweetly at him, lying through my teeth. I'm not fine, far from it, but Arthur did not need to worry about it. When the time comes, everything will be put back to right and then I will be fine.

As if reading my thoughts, Fulcinia looks at me with a knowing look. She knows what I feel; she has been through it herself. If there was ever a person on this island that could understand me it is Fulcinia. Arthur talks for a while longer.

"What are you here?" I finally ask.

"It is our final mission before we can go home," he explains. "Rome is withdrawing and Saxons are invading. So we were sent to retrieve Alecto and his family by order of the Pope."

"Why all the people," I ask, scanning the caravan he had formed.

"I could not leave them there to die."

"Why the bother with the prisoners? Why search for me?"

"I could not leave the prisoners in the Hell they were in. I could not leave you here, I brought you here and I was determined to escort you away. Besides, my knights were very persistent of finding you."

"Strange, I didn't think I made such an impression of them."

"You did. More then any one else would have. I think it was your unorthodox ways that stole my knights' hearts away." He grins at me.

"I think not."

"Indeed," Arthur smiles.

"Might I ride?" I ask him.

"Are you serious?" he looks at me.

"No," I laugh. "Not right now anyway. I just thought it was worth a try."

"I remember what happened last time we let you ride, you got yourself lost."

"I did not," I say defiantly. I laugh. How foolish I was. It seems so very long ago that I came here. It seems so very long ago that I fell down a hole and got stuck. If only I knew what I know now then, life would have been much easier. Arthur says a few more things and then turns his attention to Guinevere.

"How are you?" he asks her. She glares at him with defiant eyes. She has spirit and I can see how she ended up in the prison Fulcinia told me she came from. She looks like one that is not easily subdued. Perhaps she has been taught to fight for she bore herself like a warrior. How I envy her. If only I had been taught how to be a fighter, I would have at least been able to fight back. I must remember to ask Arthur to teach me.

Guinevere seems ill, but she does not fall back as I would have, she lets her spirit hold her up and she stares at Arthur. Her jaw is set firmly and, even though she probably hasn't eaten for as long as I have, she refused to look like she was starved. If one looks hard enough, it is obvious that she is in pain, but she will not let her enemies know that, and Arthur is an enemy until she can decide if he's not one. He asks her some more questions and she answers them with simple, short answers. He does not press her for more, and soon leaves. Once he is gone, Guinevere relaxes a bit and slumps against the side of the cart.

I inspect her closely. If I had a choice on what I could be, I would have chosen to be like Guinevere. Something about her drew one's eye to her. She is strong, determined, independent, and a warrior. I heard some of the knights call her a Woad. From what Father told me, the Woads allow their women to be warriors and support them in their decisions. Women have more liberty among the Woads and I had always envied that. When I was a child, I use to pretend that I was a Woad princess and my father had sent me to be taught how to be a warrior. The fantasy didn't last long. Mainly, because Mother noticed and put a stop to it before I could set my heart on being a warrior woman. I never understood why the Romans wanted their women silent, frail, and proper; it made no sense and it is very unfair.

Guinevere looks at me. "So, this is the Roman lady."

I blink at her; it takes a few minutes to register that she is talking to me. "Yes."

"I've heard about you," she says. I stare at her. I have no idea where she could have heard of me. Marius certainly would not have mentioned me. "Fulcinia," she says when she notices my confused look.

"Oh," I answer. Why Fulcinia would tell her about me is beyond me.

"I assume you've heard of me," she says, trying to strike a conversation.

I nod.

"You should get rest, both of you," Fulcinia says. We look at her and nod. She is the closet thing I have to a mother and she has done much for me; the least I could do is obey her. She knows more than I do about injuries and healing. From the look of Guinevere, she has more physical wounds than I. She needs the rest to recover.

We settle down. Guinevere falls asleep but I don't. I watch Dagonet with Fulcinia looking over the boy. The boy is small and feverish. I heard Lancelot remark that he would not live the night. If Dagonet had anything to do with it, the boy would live. The look in Dagonet's eyes tells much. He has formed an attachment to the small boy. A giant and a dwarf, different but together completed. A strange thought, but Mother always said things like that; they were her types of proverbs, for lack of a better word.

My mind begins to wander and I reflect on what has happened. Well, not exactly reflect. I just think things over. The same things race through my mind that has been running around in my mind ever since I was placed in the dark room. My mind is spent from so much solitude. All of my memories and fantasies have been played out so many times that they are not comforting. I try to think of other things and sleep, but I am too restless. Spending so much time in a dark, enclosed space has made me fidgety and the thought of the sun, fresh air, and freedom just outside is too overpowering for me to sleep and I get up. Fulcinia looks at me, but she does not stop me. I think she knows how I feel. I climb out of the cart, actually I fall out. Thud, I hit the ground. My body is not use to such movements and I sit on the ground for a few minutes.

I hear laughter and look up. Tristan and Lancelot are next to me on their mounts. "Nice flying," Lancelot laughs.

"Thank you," I say.

"Should you be out?" Tristan asks.

"What do you men out? Am I some animal that needs to be kept under lock and key?"

"I mean…"

I grin. "I think the exercise will do me good. Besides, I have to get reacquainted with the sun. I have missed him. Now, if you could be a gentleman and help me up I would appreciate it." Tristan dismounts and helps me up. "Thank you."

"Should you be walking," Tristan asks. "You seem a bit unsure on your feet."

"I will be fine; I just need to move around for a bit to get my bearings."

"I think some one should walk with you, just to make sure you don't fall over," Tristan smiles wickedly.

"I suppose that someone would be you," I retort.

"Yes, unless you would rather have Gawain and your Roman guard fighting over the pleasure of escorting you."

"Point taken, I don't think I have the strength to deal with them now. You will do fine." He grabs the reins of his mount and drapes them over his arm.

Lancelot snickers. "Indeed, this is a sight. Tristan, have you fallen under her ladyship's spell as well?"

"No, but young men are foolish and I believe I am helping her. How would you like having Gawain and another man out for your attentions?" Tristan says in mock debate.

Lancelot laughs. "I fear I shall never have such a feeling. It must be terrible though, especially with one of the men being Gawain for he is an absolute moron."

The men break out in laughter. I smile. It is fun being with them. I had forgotten what it was like to smile. "It is a pity that they will both have to go away broken hearted," I jest. "My heart has been taken by some one else."

"Who might that be?" Lancelot asks.

"You," I smile sweetly, before I break into giggles at the look of horror that comes across Lancelot's face. The men laugh and we continue on. Tristan guiding me along on foot and Lancelot following along side us. It is strange that these two knights seem to be around but it is better than having Gawain and Conn hanging over me. I have a feeling that Arthur has something to do with the lack of Gawain and Conn. I am grateful and must remember to thank him.


	17. Chapter 16

**Note: **Thanks for the reviews! Sorry it took so long, I have been rather lazy and then I have been battling the ever annoying, Writer's Block. I hope you like it. Happy Reading!

_"I am in trouble yet again. Conn and Gawain will be trouble. I just know it..."_

_Written by Alexandrea in her journal_

When I am tired, Tristan puts me back into the cart. I peer outside to find Tristan and Lancelot still outside. I wonder at that. It is almost as if they were there to protect me. From who? I stick my head out to talk with them. "Why are you hovering around me?"

"Strictly business," Tristan says with a grin. "Arthur said to watch you, and so we are watching you."

"Why?"

"Many reasons," interjects Lancelot.

"Such as?" I prod when it is clear that he will not say any more.

"The two love struck fools," he replies.

"Oh, so there is more danger to fear from them than any other danger?" I smile.

"Well there are the usual dangers, the Roman lord, and the love struck fools," Tristan says.

"And what did I ever do to deserve such an honor?"

"We have no idea," Tristan supplies.

"Well, will it always be you two on watch or will it alternate?"

"Probably rotate between us and Bors, can't trust the young ones, they are easily swayed by pretty face," Tristan jests.

"I don't see a pretty face, except for her ladyship and Guinevere, perhaps it would be best that they have the guard and I get left alone in peace."

"Perhaps," is all of a reaction I receive from them.

I lean back against the cart and sigh. It is obvious that I will not receive any more information from them. I will have to go to Arthur. We talk for a while longer and then I turn back into the cart. Guinevere is sitting across from me, looking at me.

"What?" I ask her.

"Nothing," she smiles.

"What is with everyone and secrets?" I ask, getting very annoyed with people in general. Perhaps that is what happens when one is locked away for long periods of time alone with no one to converse with. I really must work on my social skills for further use.

We continue on in silence. Fulcinia tends to Guinevere and then me. "I'm fine," I tell her. She does not believe me and continues to inspect me. Annoyed, I climb out of the cart to walk. There is only so much fussing I can take. As I emerge, I find Arthur riding beside the cart. "Good day," I say. He nods his reply.

"You seem better," he remarks.

"Yes," I say. "Much. It was the light that dazed me."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. No one could have known why I was being brought here," I tell him. "You feel guilty but there is no one to blame. It was fate." I try to convince him, yet again; that it was not is fault. As I am it dawns on me to why he is having me guarded. It was his guilt. He had failed me once and did not wish to do so again. Flattered and angered by the gesture, I turn to him and say, "Is that why you're having me guarded?"

He looks at me, not sure of what to say. "No, yes, I don't know. I just don't think it is safe to leave you alone."

I shake my head. "What about everyone else? Do they have guards as well?"

He shakes his head. "I feel responsible. Your father took care of me when I was fatherless, and when I can return the gesture, I fail in protecting his daughter."

"I thought we had come to the understanding that it was not your fault?"

"I just…"

"Arthur, it is not your responsibility to protect me," I start. "I can take care of myself, although it seems like I can't, I can. I am honored that you feel like you should, but you have to learn the fact that everyone you come across is not yours to protect. The sense to protect is a good trait, but you tend to take it far too seriously. Keep your goals in mind. Stay focus on what is most important. I do not need a guard, and I believe in supplying me with one leaves you short on scouts. Let it rest, Arthur. What has happened happened, and there is nothing we can do to change that, so why don't we leave it in the past. Father always said not to dwell in the past because it made one loose sight of the future. Do not forget the past, for it teaches us lessons, but do not dwell on it for it prohibits one's life." I look at Arthur. He looks at me.

"I understand, it's just that…"

"Arthur, even though we have not known each other for very long, with all Father has told me about you, I feel as if you were the brother I never had. There is a time in people's lives when they must realize that they cannot protect everyone. There are times when people must go their own ways to learn the lessons that they need to live their lives. Think of what has happened as a necessary evil and let it be."

"I just don't see why people have to suffer as they do," Arthur admits. "You, the prisoners in the prison, I don't understand why God makes people suffer."

"God does not make people suffer, people make people suffer," I reply bitterly. "A whole group of people are never completely bad; there are just a few evil men that control them."

"But why would God permit it?"

"Arthur, God is not behind this. It may be under his name, but the Roman god is not the god I was raised to believe in. If the Roman god is the God, no one will make it to Heaven except for the fat, hypocritical men that call themselves spokesmen of god. Father taught you to believe in a merciful god, believe in him but do not mistake him for the same god as the rest of Rome."

"I just can't believe that people would treat people so. It seems wrong."

"Welcome to reality. This is the way of Rome. Men were born to serve the privileged few. Your knights, you, me, everyone. It is a vicious cycle that gets worse with each round. We have but two choices, to go with the cycle or to oppose it. Father opposed it, and he sacrificed everything. What do you choose, Arthur?"

"All of Rome cannot believe the way Marius does."

"They do. When one spends much time among them, one sees it. I admit that I never really truly realized it until they arrested my family, but then I lived on Father's land where things were not the same as things everywhere else."

"It's hard to believe."

"I know the realization that everything you fought for did not exist must be hard. Rome is full of swindlers and hypocrites. All they care about is their own comfort. That is what Father had the hardest time with. He believed in the good of all men, but sometimes there were lords that even tested his faith in human goodness." I look at Arthur, he looks upset. "Dreams and fantasies die hard," I say. "I know the feeling." I think of how I felt when I discovered Conn at Marius's estate. All I thought I knew of him diminished and I am left with a broken heart and frayed trust. "There is nothing we can do but continue on. I intend to do such, and I hope you will as well. Release the guard and concentrate on getting us all back to Hadrian's Wall alive and safe." We look into each other's eyes. He looks at me as if to say something, but decides against it.

"Very well," he says.

I smile at him. "We shall have to work on your instinct to over-protect," I jest.

"Perhaps," he mutters as he looks ahead. He is silent, so I follow his gaze to where it lay. Guinevere is sitting on the edge of the cart. Half in, half out. Her hair falls loosely around her. She is still sickly looking, but a defiant light shines from her eyes. I look back at Arthur. There is a look on his face that I have never seen on it before. I look back at Guinevere and smile. Arthur is taking a liking to this Woad woman. Shaking my head, I fall back behind Arthur and watch from a distance as Guinevere engages him in a conversation.

"Bah," a gruff voice says. "Is there not a soul around here who isn't smitten with one thing or another?" I look behind me to find Bors riding up. "Love, I don't get it."

I smile up at him. "It does seem pointless doesn't it?"

"I don't know. Myself, I have a woman back at the fort and about twelve kids. Don't know about love though. It just seems that people are falling in love a lot lately."

"I think Arthur and Guinevere are well suited."

"Don't really care, to each his own."

"You are strange sir knight," I shake my head.

"That I am." He smiles as if I paid him the greatest of all compliments.

"Alexa," another voice calls. To my left, Gawain falls in beside me. "You're doing better."

"Yes, that I am," I look at Bors. He chuckles and rides off.

"So…" Gawain stops.

"It was very kind of you to retrieve me," I say politely.

"It was nothing," he replies. He looks at me, as if he wants to say something. From the look in his eyes, I know along what subject he wishes to breach.

"Alexa," Conn calls. Great, exactly what I need, Conn and Gawain, together talking to me.

"Conn," I smile. Right about now, I am very thankful to Mother for making me learn how to at least pretend to be a lady, if I hadn't, I fear I would be doing awful things right about now, such as running away or slapping them. I really do not see what they see in me. My hopes that they both would have forgotten about me with time were obviously in vain.

Conn and Gawain stare at each other. "What is he doing here?" Conn asks me.

"Excuse me; I was having a private conversation with her." Their eyes meet and I feel a hidden struggle going on between them. I look at one man and then the other. Slowly, as to not startle them, I walk between them.

"It is alright, Gawain, we can finish what we were talking about later. I am tired and think it best that I go back to the cart now. Good day." Before another word can be said, I hurry back to the cart and climb in. Arthur and Guinevere are still talking, but I do not have the aptitude to listen. I have my own problems at the moment, and they are about the kill each other. I look back at Gawain and Conn. They are still where I left them and they are still staring each other down. Their jaws are set and they both bear stubborn looks. I shake my head and look away. I do not want any of them to be infatuated with me. Conn probably thinks that we still have something, but things have changed. I have grown and changed, as has he. It was over four years since he left to make is fortune. I was fourteen when he asked me to wait for him. I was young and foolishly in love. At fourteen, love seems like an ever lasting thing, but I know better. Love is nothing but a heartbreak waiting to happen and I will not let it happen to me again. First Conn, then Mother and Father, and then Conn again, life would be much more simple if I just didn't love.


	18. Chapter 17

**Note:** Sorry it took so long to update, I could make up some excuse on how I've been so busy but the honest truth is that I have been lazy. Bad me. I would like to apologize for my lazyness and thank you for all of the reviews for the story so far. I also would like to apologize in advance for this chapter, it is not the best but it is something. Thank you for reading this note and have a nice day.

_I am so confused. I thought I had everything all worked out, but now that I think about it, I'm not so sure about anything..."_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

I wake with a head ache. Memories of yesterday come flooding back. Conn, Gawain, and everything else, it is all so confusing and yet it is not a bit confusing. I don't know what I am talking about. I just feel that everything is so restrictive. I don't know why I feel so cross and contained, I just wish that everyone would leave me alone. They all hover around me and treat me as if I'm going to break like they did when we first met. I think I am capable of taking care of myself.

Time passes slowly as we make our way towards Hadrian's Wall. We have to go the long way round to avoid the Saxons. The last thing we need is to run into the Saxon army. Guinevere is doing better and she talks with me, but she tends to get distracted and her thoughts fall to other people, places, topics, and times. Dagonet continues to ride with us and he takes care of the boy, who's called Lucan.

It is very dull, but I suppose it is better inside the cart than outside for I would have to deal with Conn and Gawain then. Conn and Gawain, another problem that needs solving, but I have no idea how to solve it. I once swore my love to Conn, but I cannot find it in myself to forgive him for what he has done. He has become a stranger to me and I don't know if what we had once was really love. We were young, I was romantic, naive, and had foolish ideas on how the world worked, which all turned out to be incorrect. Would it be worth the time to get to know him again, or would he just sell me out for money, yet again. If there is one thing I have learned from the past few years is that trust is not something to be given liberally. One can never know who to trust, and in this day and age, when power is taken by only a select few, loyalties are easily swayed. Oppression is one of the greatest tools when it comes to controlling people. People fear pain and they fear death, play their fears against them and they will follow a tyrant to Hell and back if ordered to.

With Gawain, I don't really know him either. I know where his loyalties lay, with Arthur and I know Arthur would never make him betray me, but I would feel that I am using Gawain for he gives me his affections without truly knowing me. I don't even know myself anymore and I could not bear it to imprison Gawain to me. He deserves far better than me but he doesn't know it.

One man or the other, there are too many complications and too few advantages. If I choose either man, they will fight and possibly kill each other. I have spoken with Arthur, but he does not know what to do. His best advice is to stay away from them and perhaps they will come to their senses. I doubt that will help, but it is the best plan I have at the moment and so I am trapped in the cart to wait for their next move. To wait and see what the Fates have in store for me. I can only pray that they will be kind, but they have not been kind so far and so I do not hold great hopes for a happy outcome.

"Lady," a voice calls. I look out to find Galahad riding beside the cart. "How are you?"

"Fine," I reply. "And you?"

"Fine."

He says no more but looks as if he has something to say. "What is it?"

He tries to say something, but it is obvious that he does not know how to say it. "What is wrong with Gawain?" he finally spits out.

"Excuse me?" I ask, completely taken by surprise by such a question coming from Galahad.

"Gawain is a good man. I don't see why you ignore him. He is confused and does not understand why you hide from him. He thinks he has done something wrong and does not know what it is. Do you really hate him so? If so, tell him and he will let you be. But I thought you liked him, you seemed to enjoy is company when we were your escorts a few years back."

"It's not Gawain, it's me. He does not deserve me; he is far to good for me. I thought that if I discouraged him, he would realize that he did not really like me, he was just confused or in love with a dream."

"What would you think that? Gawain thinks you're too good for him. He thinks that you don't like him because you deserve someone important like the Alecto person we are here to collect."

"No, it is I who is the inferior. He deserves someone better than me. I am nothing, just a shell of someone who is lost now. I am sorry that he feels what he feels, but let him know that it is I who does not deserve him. Let him know that I cannot take his pledge of devotion nor can I allow him to wait for me. I must re-find myself, and to that, I must do it alone."

"I do not understand why but I will deliver your message. Just so that you'll know, Gawain thought about you everyday since we left you." Galahad nods and rides away. His parting words ring in my mind. Exactly what I need, more complications.

I don't understand my sudden change. Or perhaps it is not so sudden. I just feel so lost. Everything I knew about everyone I loved is somewhat fuzzy and what use to be so clear is lost in fog. Who am I, what am I, why am I? Too many questions and no answers. All the time left to myself made me realize that I am not who I thought I was. Everything I knew is nothing and now I know nothing. I don't even make sense to myself. Perhaps I have gone insane, which would be a good explanation to my behavior and thoughts.

I need some way to vent my thoughts, my doubts, and my frustrations. I turn to Guinevere. "What am I to do?" I ask her.

"Confront them," she advises.

"How?"

"Just tell them how you feel."

"I've tried that, but it doesn't help. They think I will eventually come to my senses, so they wait for me."

Guinevere thinks for a moment. "Maybe you could grow to love one of them."

"That's the problem. I don't know if I could love again. Conn and I were sweethearts years ago, and Gawain. I don't know about Gawain. I don't know what I feel about him. I tried to discourage him. He is a noble knight and I like him as a friend, but I don't think it can be anymore than that."

"What's wrong with Conn?"

"I don't know if I could ever bring myself to trust him again, but it's not that. I feel as if I don't know who Conn really is. When he left, I was young and ignorant about everything. Over the past four years, I have become more intelligent on the ways of the world. I have realized that I never truly loved Conn. I thought I did, but it was more of a brother/friend. I am so confused."

"Every woman goes through such dilemmas. When the time comes, you will know who to choose."

"I don't even know if I want to choose. I don't even know if I want to marry. I don't know anything."

"You sound confused."

"I am."

"Time will solve that, I am sure."

"Yes, but I don't know if I will survive the time it will take to solve all this."

"I think you might be a bit melodramatic."

"Probably, but I still don't know what to do to get them to leave me alone."

"Tell them."

I sigh. Some advice, if it were that simple, I would have told them long ago. Actually I have told them, but they do not seem to be listening. "Thank you for listening," I say as I climb out. I need time to think.

"What are you thinking?" a voice interrupts me not very long after I leave Guinevere. I look up, it's Tristan.

"Nothing, just trying to solve a dilemma."

"I bet I can name the dilemma." Tristan smiles. I like him, he may seem like the tough harden warrior, but underneath all that hostility he is a gentle soul, not to forget to mention comical.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Who doesn't know about it?"

"Is it that bad?" I ask, fearing to know how bad the situation really is.

"If Arthur hadn't forbidden it, I think Gawain and your guard would have fought it out for you already."

I am insulted at this remark. "Well, they may fight, but that does not mean I will go to the victor. I am not some prize to be won."

"I know, we all know."

I shake my head. "You want to be the lady for a while?"

"Not me. I'm rather entertained watching this all play out."

"Well, I'm so glad someone is enjoying this." He laughs at my remark. "I'm serious."

"I know, that's what makes it so funny. You act like it is the end of the world. Lighten up, it will all pass with time."

"Why does everyone seem to be telling me that?"

"Because it's true. Love is a fickle thing, especially among warrior men. They may think they are in love, but in the end, they come to their senses and realize that they can only have one mistress and that is war. War does not wish to share her power with another woman."

"Very insightful of you," I say, somewhat confused that Tristan could come up with anything so metaphorical.

"That's my theology, I live by it. I have no woman to hold me back."

"Do you ever plan to have one?"

"No, I'm quite content living my life out as a bachelor."

"Well then, at least there is someone I can talk to who is not completely inclined to love."

"Never have and will never be."

I smile. I think Tristan is becoming very likable in my mind. He is so much more simpler than the others. He didn't expect much and didn't aim high. He lived life as it came and never got caught up in the petty things in life. At the moment, I envy him. "I wish I were you."

"No, one of me is quite enough."

"At least you have a choice. In the Christian world, women do not have very many options, especially a Roman woman."

"Any one who wants something bad enough will not let anything stand in their way." Tristan looks at me. For a moment, his carefree look is replaced with a deeper look, I don't know what it means, but I think he is trying to tell me something. But as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. "I must go; I hope you can solve your dilemma." He winks at me and rides away.I watch him ride away. I think I could grow to like Tristan very much. He is not one to get attached to people and he doesn't care about feelings. He just tells things as he sees it. At the moment, I think his simple truths are exactly what I need.


	19. Chapter 18

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews! A bit quicker than last time, but a bit slow I figure. Well enjoy. Let me know what you think should happen. Should she or should she not find love and that sort of stuff. Happy reading!

_"Tristan is the only person who makes any sense now days and I am grateful that he puts up with my talking or else I would go insane..."_

_Written in the journal of Alexandrea_

Time passes so slowly and I find myself missing my dark solitude. There is unrest in the air, like the quiet before a devastating storm, and I fear that the storm is not far off. Tristan has been my only confidant. I don't know why I turn to him, actually I think I do. He is not very complicated and he is not rooting for one person or the other. It is so nice to talk to someone who doesn't think I'm insane for not flinging myself into Gawain's arms right now. Most of the knights a very biased and think that I should be Gawain's woman, but I don't want to be anyone's woman and I can't seem to get them to understand that fact. Bors calls me insane and crazy; I don't think he can even comprehend that a woman would not want to get herself a man. Galahad is mad at me for not choosing his best friend. Lancelot thinks it's all pointless and believes I should just go with Gawain because he retrieved me from Marius's house. Dagonet has not opinion, which I appreciate, but I cannot talk to him as I do to Tristan because, to put it bluntly, Dagonet is not exactly an avid conversationalist. Of course, I cannot discuss any of this with Gawain or Conn because they are blinded and are not thinking with their heads at the moment. I really don't understand their attraction; I am no Helen of Troy, far from it to tell the truth. Guinevere is in love herself, with Arthur, I'm happy for her but that clouds her judgment and makes her thoughts float elsewhere when I speak with her. Arthur tries to help, but he is clueless about the matters of infatuation. Arthur is a solder, not a matchmaker. He is also very serious and has numerous other worries pressing in his mind, so I dare not burden him with my problems.

So, naturally, my confessions are left for Tristan to hear. He is a good sport about, he makes fun but he is not mean, and he listens to me without interrupting me and then advises me when I'm done telling me my problem. I think the other knights are shocked at this, for Tristan is not one to spent time with people. From what I hear from Guinevere, Tristan is the loner type who doesn't converse much with people besides his fellow knights, which, even with them, he does not talk to them as he talks to me. The other knights have noticed this and I think they believe Tristan and I are falling for each other. I've noticed Gawain glaring at Tristan lately, but Tristan doesn't care. Tristan seems to never care about things in general. All he cares about is living to see tomorrow, which makes sense. I do wish I could live that way, but, no matter how hard I try, always end up worrying about the future beyond tomorrow. Where will I go? What will I do? Such questions always end up swamping me, holding me down. It is frustrating and I don't know what to do to cure myself of such thoughts.

"What troubles you?" he asks me as I ride a spare horse with him.

"Nothing," I say.

Tristan shakes his head, "Something has to be, you are never this quite."

I smile, he always has to tease. "Just thinking about things."

"Thinking is dangerous," he says.

"I know, but I can't help it." We continue on with our usual banter on how thinking is bad, how attachments are horrible, and how there is no tomorrow until you live through today. I enjoy our repetitive conversations about these topics; they are somehow, reassuring and fun.

"Why do you talk to me like this?" I suddenly ask.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you spend the time talking with me, from what I hear, it is completely out of character for you." He looks a bit surprise at first, but he quickly recovers himself.

"Thought I'd try something new."

I look at him. "You know what a sorry excuse that is?"

"Yes," he smiles. "But that's the best answer you're going to get."

I sigh. "Alright, I concede."

"Good, now I'll tell you the truth." I stare at him, surprised; I've never gotten anything out of Tristan that was serious without a fight. "There is no need to look so surprised. I put up with you because someone has to watch out for you." I shake my head, this is not an answer. He notices my disbelief. "It is true. While all the others try to do good in their own ways, they fail to see the bigger picture. You don't need a valiant warrior; you need someone to tell you the honest truth. Seeming I don't like to waste words on being subtle, I figured I would do good at the job. Just think of me as an annoying uncle or something like that."

I laugh. That is exactly what he is, the annoying relative that you like and hate at the same time. "You tell anyone else but me that?"

"No, why should I explain my motives to everyone?"

"I think Gawain thinks we've fallen for each other."

"I can take care of myself. If he calls me out, I'll give him a few knocks on the head perhaps that will knock some sense into him." We laugh. Good old Tristan. I don't know what I shall do without is sense of humor and laid-back personality.

As we ride one, we come across and unexpected visitor, Alecto finds us.

"Hello," he says awkwardly.

"Sir," I reply.

"Sir, Lady, I must depart." Tristan rides off, winking at me as he goes. I'm going to kill him for leaving me alone. He sees the look and just laughs as if to say that he'd like to see me try. I watch him go, feeling very uncomfortable and wondering why Alecto is here.

"Lady," he starts, his voice faltering.

"Yes, sir?" I inquire politely. I have to remind myself to behave and try to uncover the manners I once knew.

"I…" I meet his eyes and smile my court smile. "I have something to tell you."

"What could that be, sir?" I prompt him. He seems to be my age and extremely shy. I wonder if he has felt his father's brutality as well.

"Your father was Pelagius, was it not?"

I furrow my brow, "Yes, Pelagius is my father." I notice his use of 'was'.

"I feel that I should tell you." He pauses.

"Tell me what, sir?" Our eyes meet and I wonder how a man like Marius could spawn a son like Alecto. He bears none of the harshness of his father; he is more his mother, small, thin, and fey like.

"Your father, he is dead."

I stop, stunned. "What?"

"He died over a year ago."

"No, this cannot be true," I babble. It is a lie. It has to be.

"My father received a letter telling him of it. The Church had him hunted down and killed for fear of having him continue on with his work. They feared your father and his ideas."

I stare at Alecto, his face says he does not lie. "Impossible," I whisper.

"I'm sorry," he stutters, once again nervous. "I'm sorry for everything." I look at Alecto. I have only seen him from a far and so I inspect him. He feels guilty, like Arthur. He is apologizing for it all, even though it was not him who did it all. He took after his mother in every aspect, looks, mannerisms, and soul. If I had really been meant to marry him, I believe we would have been well suited. He would have never tried to dominate me, just dissuade me from overly heinous acts. I could have lived with him as my husband. Who knows, if we were married, time would have granted us a bond that was not love, but a strong liking that would have made it so that we could both be content. I shake such thoughts from my head.

"Why do you tell me this?"

"I felt that you deserved to know." I want to mad at someone, but I know that Alecto is not his father and he does not deserve my wrath.

"I thank you," I reply. He seems to sense my moods and he is quiet. Father is dead. It is hard to process it, but I am not surprised. It was strange that the Church allowed him to leave. I am lost in the moment, and when I return, Alecto is still riding with me; he looks at me with concern.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I reply, faking a smile.

"It is sad news, but you don't seem as surprised as I would have thought."

"I have a lot of time to consider things. Also, with what I have seen and experienced, it would be out of character of the Church officials to let my father go. I know what I speak is probably bad to say, but I have passed the point where I cared or even feared the Church. It is made up of men, and men are human and make mistakes."

Alecto looks a bit shocked at my bitter words. "The Church is meant to guide us."

"No, we are meant to guide ourselves and make our own choices. We are free to choose our own fates."

Alecto looks at me as if I'm insane. Perhaps I am. "I don't understand."

"I don't expect you to. I thank you for telling me about my father's death. Now if you will excuse me, I would like to be alone."

Alecto still stares at me as I ride away. I think I shocked him a bit, but he needs to know that not everyone worships the Church as he does. My mind is a whirl of emotions. I must tell Arthur, but I don't know how. I see him not very far ahead of me and take a deep breath. It is now or never. I ride up beside him.

He greets me.

"Arthur, there is something I must tell you."

"What?" he asks concern.

I try to speak, but my voice will not cooperate. Finally, I relax and blurt it all out. "Father is dead."

He stares at me in disbelief.

"He is. Alecto told me about the letter his father received about it. They hunted him down and killed him." Arthur's face falls and grieve engulfs his face. "It happened about a year ago."

We look at each other. "I'm so sorry," we say in unison.

"We both grieve for a father lost," I say. "He was as much my father as yours. You and I shall now be brother and sister and mourn our father lost and remember his life and his teachings. If we can, we will continue on with is work."

Arthur looks at me. "He's dead. Pelagius."

I nod. Arthur slowly begins to come back to himself. "Yes, he may be lost but never forgotten."

"He can never be forgotten, not if we carry on his teachings," I say.

"We will." Arthur and I look at each other, no words pass between us, but I know that he knows that we are the children of Pelagius, and he agrees that we are as brother and sister.


	20. Chapter 19

**Note:** Once I again, I appologize for the delay. I have no excuse to supply for my laziness and writer's block. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Happy reading. And thank you for reading this story.

_"I am plagued again by thoughts, but not those of the past. The future seems to have wormed it's way into my thoughts and it fightens me. Where the past was comfort, the future is fear. What does my future hold? What does anyone's future foretells?"_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

The news of Father's death hurts, but I try to think of what he would tell me. He would say that it was all part of life. You live and you die, just when you die is the mystery. I think of him and pray that he is with Mother again; at least they deserve to be happy. According to the priests, they both would have gone to Hell, and if people like Father go to Hell, I suppose the priests' Hell cannot be that bad. I find that I have very little faith in what priests say lately. I think they might be completely wrong about everything.

We continue on, though the traveling pace is very slow. All of the people that are traveling with us slow us down greatly and many of the knights are getting a little antsy because they keep on getting signs of the Saxons following closely behind us. It has started to snow, and the people are tired and cold. They are forced to leave things behind so that they can move faster, but many of the villagers do not want to. Arthur tries to tell them that they need to do leave everything but the bare necessities behind gently, but the does not seem to get the people to understand, so Lancelot takes their stuff and pitches it off to the side. "Leave it!" he glares at the villagers. They are scared of Lancelot and they quickly comply with his orders. Lancelot grins and walks away. "See, Arthur, you are too soft. They need to be told what to do."

Arthur shakes his head. He understands Lancelot but he does not agree with him. I think he would like to argue with Lancelot, but there is no point in arguing with the gruff knight who is too set in his ways to change.

I have taken to walking because I cannot ride in the cart any more. Once in a while I ride, but there are really not that many horses to spare and so the slower ones, weaker ones, sicker ones, usually ride. I don't care. I rather enjoy walking, it is much better than sitting around in complete darkness for months upon end with nothing to do.

To my good fortune, Gawain and Conn have taken to avoiding me all together. I know they have not completely forgotten about me because I catch them staring at me from afar or glaring at each other in passing. I think someone must have spoken with them, and I think I know who.

"Tristan?" I ask him as he rides up beside me. "Have you been meddling?"

"Me? Meddle? Never?" he winks at me.

"What did you say to them?" I insist.

"That you are very confused and near suicide," he grins wickedly.

"You didn't," I gasp.

He laughs. "No, it wasn't me. Arthur lectured them on how you were your own person and what not. I didn't listen to the entire lecture, really didn't see the point."

"Arthur spoke to them?"

"To everyone. He made sure that we all understood that we were not to bother you in any way, particularly romantically. It's Arthur's way to protect things, so I suppose you are something he wants to protect. No one will go against his orders; we are all too loyal for that."

I smile. "I suppose I have nothing else to do but talk to you than."

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Very depressing."

"Indeed," Tristan grins.

"Well, I suppose talking with you is better than no one."

"Admit it, you enjoy our little conversations."

I laugh. "According to some of the others, they think I have bewitched you. I hear you are not much for talking."

"I talk when I want and to whom I please."

We continue on. "How long until we reach the wall?"

"A few more days, possibly a week if we don't speed things up a bit."

"Saxons?"

"Close, but not too close."

"Everything just keeps on getting better," I reply sarcastically.

"They always do." He grins.

I shake my head, "Are you always like this?"

"Never, just when I choose to be."

We continue on in silence. I don't know what to do. I try not to think of the future, but the future is ever pending and I can't help but to think of it. What will happen to me once we reach the wall? The knights are on their last mission and will dispatch to their homes once we return. Saxons invade England, making the choice of living here on my own very unlikely. I can't go back to Rome, I can't. If I do, I will probably suffer the same fate as my parents, and I'm determined not to give the Roman lords the satisfaction of extinguishing Pelagius' family.

"Why so quiet?" Tristan finally asks.

"The future," I reply quietly.

"What about it?"

I look at Tristan, he seems to be serious about is inquiries. The look in his eyes reminds me of one of the first conversations I've had with him. It is completely different from his usual looks; it is more of a thoughtful one. "Where is it leading us? What does the future hold?" I reply truthfully, there is no reason to avoid answering.

"Future telling is for the witches. Worrying about the future can only lead to headaches."

"Don't you ever wonder what lies ahead for you?" I ask.

"No, I already know what lies ahead. I will die, probably in battle. It will be a warrior's death. I shall take many of my enemies down to Hell with me."

"Is that all?" I ask.

"Yes, it is the way I want it. I have no problem dying, and I really don't mind waiting to find out when I'm supposed to die."

"Why?"

"It's been the way of my tribe. We are warriors, and warriors fear not death. We live and die by the sword."

"Why can't everything be as simple and set?"

"Who say's it's not?"

I shake my head. I think I prefer the other Tristan, the mocking Tristan. The thoughtful Tristan gives me a headache. "You are really something, you know that? You seem to me the most uncomplicated person there is, with your silent warrior persona, and then you turn out to be very different and set in your beliefs. You are a puzzle."

"Am I?" he asks amused.

"Yes, it's as if you wear a mask and only reveal your true self every once in awhile to selected people. I suppose everyone wears a mask is one way or another. "

Tristan smiles. "Yes, very true."

"Tristan!" Lancelot rides up. It is very rude of him to come right know when I have Tristan in his deep thoughtfulness, but it cannot be helped I suppose. "Arthur wants you."

Tristan nods and winks at me as he leaves. "Think about it," he says.

I stare blankly back at him. Think about what? He laughs at my confusion as he goes.

"Arthur suggests that you get back in the cart," Lancelot says.

I look at the dark knight. He seems agitated. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Not one for words, are you?"

"No." He glares at me.

"What?" I ask.

"What is it with you?"

"What?"

"Why is it that everyone seems to be all taken with you?"

"If I knew that, I would have stopped doing it." I get the sense that Lancelot doesn't like me.

"Arthur, Gawain, Tristan, Galahad, that Roman guard, the Roman boy, and even Bors is beginning to like you. I don't understand it."

"Neither do I. I could live without the Romans and Gawain's affection. I just don't know how to loose it."

"You're one of those women who come in and break up men's friendships."

I laugh. "Me? That's funny. No, I'm not. Besides, I think Arthur and I are more brother and sister like; Arthur is rather fond of the Woad woman. Tristan is the only person that makes sense now days. The others, I really don't want their attentions."

"Just make it all stop."

"I'm trying. What do you expect me to do?"

"Pick one of them and get it over with." I look at Lancelot, he is completely serious. I don't know what I did to get under his skin, but Lancelot seems to dislike me very much.

"Do you think I'm playing hard to get?" I ask, insulted.

"Yes."

I shake my head. "I…I…" I am at a lost for words.

"You've played your little game, know choose a man and get it over with. Might I advise Tristan since you two seem to be getting along so well."

"Haven't you heard anything I've just said? I don't want a man. I'm confused enough as it is."

"Women," Lancelot shakes his head in disgust. I am beginning not to like him very much.

"What is your problem with me?" I ask.

"I just don't…."

"You don't what? Like me? Is there a reason to why you don't like me?"

"Because you are one of them. You're a Roman and one of them who keep people like us here."

I gawk at him. "What? Have you not been seeing what I've been seeing? The people you classify me with sent me here knowing full well what they were sending me to. They did it out of spite because my father challenged their authority and threatened their very lifestyle. I would give anything to have things be fair. I wish that I could be back home with my parents as it once was, during the time when I was innocent to the evils of man. I wish that people like you were not forced to fight for a cause and land that is not yours. If I could, I would right all of the injustices of the world, but I can't."

"So you say."

"Don't you trust anyone?"

"No." He glares at me. I meet his glare. There's something else behind his behavior, and I don't think it has anything to do with me.

"You're not mad at me are you? You're mad about something else."

He looks shocked for a moment, a very brief moment. "No."

I sigh. It is very obvious that I'm not going to get anywhere with Lancelot. "Are you finished?" He does not answer me, so I walk back to the cart. Once I'm inside, I look outside to see Lancelot still where I left him, wearing a bemused expression on his face. I smile. Confusion seems to be my lot lately.


	21. Chapter 20

**Note: **Thanks for the reviews. Here is yet another installment. I hope you like it. Happy reading!

_"I am selfish, very very selfish. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it."_

_Written in Alexandrea's Journal_

Here I am, once again in the wagon. It is raining and I have been advised to stay in the wagon so I won't get wet. I do as I am told and so I sit in silence. Guinevere is a sleep, as is the boy. I think about Lancelot's outburst the other day and wonder what is wrong with him. His anger is not for me, I know that much because he was civil with me until yesterday. What could have happened to make him so agitated?

I shake my head and sigh. I have no idea what is wrong with him, and unless I stalk him, I don't think there will be a way to find out the cause of his agitation. Not that I care, Lancelot is the least of my worries. I find that I am being very self absorbed. Father would be very ashamed of me if he knew what I have become. If only I knew what I had become. Confusion seems to be my constant visitor.

Sigh, I need to think of other things. But not of Father, Father still makes my heart heavy. Guinevere looks at me. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," I reply.

"No, you're not."

I don't understand how people can read me so easily. "What ever gave you that idea?"

"You're very quite and you look as if you are mad."

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Everything."

"That's far too much to think about."

"What about you?" I ask, trying to change the topic. "You seem overly happy."

She smiles.

"Love?" I ask, trying to recall how girls talked to each other. The other life I led would have many conversations about love with other girls my age.

She smiles again. "Perhaps."

"Arthur?" I ask even though I know it's him. It is obvious, just looking at the way she looks at him and him at her.

She looks at me a bit. "I…"

"Speechless, I assume as much. Just watching the way you look at him is a dead give away. I think he feels the same way."

"You think?" she asks excitedly.

"Yes."

"I mean…"

"It's okay to admit that you like someone. I think you and Arthur suit each other."

"No, he and I can never be. He's to Roman. He has his noble qualities but he is still loyal to Rome."

"No, he's loyal to an idea. He believes with every atom of his being in equality for all. He is realizing what the Roman lords really are. Give him time and he will come around."

"How do you know?"

"He's like my father. In the end, my father found himself not proud to call himself Roman. Rome is corrupt. Arthur will eventually see that on his own."

"You seem to have such a low opinion of your own People."

"They are not my people."

We grow silent.

"Alexa," a voice calls, Conn's voice.

"Go," Guinevere says.

I sigh and climb out of the wagon. "Conn," I say.

"How have you been?"

"Fine, and you?"

"Worried about you."

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk."

I can't do this. All of the bitterness inside me pours out. "I have nothing to talk about with you."

"Please, Alexa." He looks at me with sad eyes.

"Conn, I don't know."

"Alexa, please, give me a second chance."

I have to learn how to trust again, I know that. Perhaps I should try to trust Conn again.

"Alright," I say. His face brightens up. "It does not mean things are going back to the way they were."

"I understand."

"And do not get into fights with the knights. If I choose to have a lover, it will be my decision and nothing you do can change that. I am a person, not some prize to be won."

He looks flabbergasted. "I…"

"I know what you want, and I know what you mean, and I will not be a prize for you to win."

He looks a bit confused but he agrees. "So where do we start?"

"How about talking about what happened to you. Why did you leave?" I ask. I remember that day. He left me alone. He promised to be with me forever. "I did not care about your class or how much money you had. I just wanted you."

"I had to make my own way. I had to prove myself to myself."

"So you proposed and then leave. You may have proven yourself, but you have not proven yourself to me."

"Why are you so mad at me?"

"I don't know. I remember waiting for the time that you would be coming back to the estate. I remember waiting for some sign that you were alive. Nothing came. I did not know what to think. Then everything with my family happened."

"You have to understand that I never had what you had."

"What?"

"I never had the money you had. I never could not work. You had everything handed to you. I had to do something to make me feel like I deserved you, and to do that I needed to be able to have enough money to support you that your father did not give us. I want to support my wife not my wife me."

I shake my head. "You know, I've just come to realize that you are not who I thought you were. If you love someone, should nothing else matter?"

"Love does not keep your belly full."

"Your mother loves you. I loved you."

"It wasn't enough. I have seen what the lack of money can do. I was not going to let you suffer that, nor was I going to let you support me."

I sigh. "Let's drop it. I can't deal with your reasoning now. The more you talk, the angrier I get."

"What is so hard to understand?"

"Everything." I walk away. "I need to think."

"I'll be here," he complies with my wishes.

I walk off to the side of the group. Conn just made me so mad. He always talked about his pride. I'm so tired about hearing about men and their pride. I just want it all to go away. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Why can't things be easy?

"Alexa, how are you?" Tristan smirks as he rides up next to me.

"Go away," I snap.

"Testy aren't we?"

"Why do you always show up when I don't want you to?"

"Because you really want me to show up so you can rant and rave about how life is so cruel."

"Don't poke fun."

"I have one thing to say to you."

"Oh, please, tell me, oh, wise and mighty one."

"You are too hung up on the past. You're self-absorbed and very complaining."

I glare at him. "I am not."

"Look, someone has to tell you the truth. You're being down right ornery. You pretend to be better than everyone else but you are the same. Your problems are not everything and very minuscule. I know what you've been through, everyone knows. Things happen to everyone. All we can do is get over it and move on."

I do not want to be listening to Tristan lecturing me. I want a sympathetic ear that will tell me that I am the victim and comfort me by telling me everything I want to hear. "I don't want to hear this."

"No one ever does," he replies. "But it has to be said. So, I took it upon myself to say it. I don't care if you hate me."

A strong feeling of hatred seethes through my veins. How dare he talk to me like this? He's not right, he's not. "You are mean." Lame line but I couldn't think another comeback.

"Just being honest. Do you not prefer honesty over lies from your friends?"

"Go away."

"As you wish," he winks. "I'll let you think it over."

He rides off. I hate him for what he said, but I hate him more because he is correct. I am being selfish. I know I'm being very complicated. I just can't get over it. No matter how hard I try, I just get stuck. I hate it. I hate all of it. To make my day even better, Gawain shows up. "Hi."

"Hi," I say. This is not the best day.

"We have to talk."

"About what?"

"About you and the Roman."

"What about us?"

"I saw you talking today; does that mean that you have chosen him? If you have, it is okay with me. I will respect your wishes and back off."

I look at him. He looks sad, but he will honorably step back if I told him so. He was so different from Conn. Conn thought he had to prove something, Gawain thought he had to let me be. If it were only Gawain instead of Conn. Gawain would have saved me if he found me. He would have helped me escape. He would never have left me to prove a point. He would have stayed with me and none of this ever would have happened. He could have protected me when they came for us. I could see myself being happy with him. No, I must concentrate.

"It's nothing. He was just talking to me. That's all."

"Really?"

"Yes. I have not chosen anyone. I might never choose." He looks at me.

"I can live with that."

I smile. He wasn't going to pester me. "Thank you." He smiles back and rides off.

I head back to the carriage. Conn is still waiting for me. "Have you made up your mind yet?"

"My mind up about what?"

"Us."

I shake my head. "There's nothing to discuss. It was a long time ago, you and me. Why must you hold onto the past?"

"I love you."

"Why?"

"Because you're you."

"I'm me? Who am I?"

"Alexa, you're confused. With sometime you might be able to come to terms and find yourself again."

"Is that what you want? Things to be the same way things were before you left."

"They can."

"No, they can't. I don't even know if I can trust you again. You turned me in for gold. You could have helped me escape." Suddenly, all of the pent up feelings I had just came gushing out. "You could have saved me, but you didn't have the back bone to."

"I'm sorry, but I was afraid. Besides, what were you talking about with the knight? He likes you and I don't trust him."

"Gawain, his name is Gawain. He just asked me a question. Why should it matter to you to whom I speak with?"

"I don't want my future wife to be playing with other men's hearts."

"Future wife?" I glare at him. Where does he come off thinking that I will marry him?

"Yes, you."

I had it. "What makes you think that I'm going to marry you? Do you think that I will just forget about everything and go happily to your side and be your wife? I won't. You asked for another chance, I was going to give it to you, but if you think I'm going to do is consent to marrying you, you are wrong."

"Alexa, I love you."

"And I loved you, but that was not enough to keep you with me. Now I'm not even sure that I know you."

"You swore your love to me."

"That was three years ago. Many things have happened since then, some of them showing you for what you are. A coward. Gawain would never have left me where I was. He would have helped me escaped and left with me."

"Gawain? You love him?" he stared at me.

"No, I just admire him and like him far more than I like you right now."

"But…"

"Just go. I don't want to hear it." With that, I climb into the cart and fling the covering shut.


	22. Chapter 21

**Note:** Hey look an update. I know, bad me. I've been really slow. Sorry. Well I hope you like the chapter. What is going to happen? Hold your breath.

_"I must speak with them. There is no other way to resolve this. But I do not look forward to it. Not one bit..."_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's journal_

I sit and ponder what to do. Conn has made me very angry. I can't believe him. He's holding me to a pledge I made years ago when we were different people at a different time. I just want to slap him. He goes on talking about our future together. He thinks we can just go on as if things have never changed. I don't know what to say to make him go away. I can't believe I used to be such a romantic. There was a time when I would have loved to be in the middle of a love triangle, but it's not really all too fun. Actually, can it even be considered a love triangle? It's more like I don't really know what it is. Things are getting out of control and there is nothing I can do about it.

I sit and chat with Guinevere for a while; she is a very interesting person once you get to know her. She tells me that her people have women warriors and are on and equal standing with men. That fascinates me. I have never heard of a society that has women warriors. Perhaps I should go live with Guinevere's people; I could learn how to be a warrior. That way I would not need men to take care of my, I could protect myself. But then again, Guinevere is a warrior and she still fell prey to Marius. Knowing Marius, he probably had all of his guards with him to catch Guinevere. I smile at the mental image of Marius hiding behind on of his guards as they try to capture the wild warrior woman.

"Are outsiders welcome among your people?" I ask her.

"Yes," she replies. "So long as you are not trying to kill, dominate, or destroy us."

"Would I be welcomed?"

She smiles. "Yes, I would welcome you as my sister."

I smile back. I would not go so far as to become sisters with Guinevere, but I did like her, and if she would accept me among her people, perhaps I could go live with them and leave Conn and Gawain behind. I bet they would not force their daughters into marriage, and women would not be expected to marry the first man that came her way.

"Are you thinking of running away?" she asks.

"What makes you think that?"

"Two men outside that seem to be fighting for your affections."

"Perhaps."

"Do you love them?" she looks serious now.

"Why does everyone always ask me that? I don't know."

"Perhaps you should take the time to find out."

I think that over. It does make sense, finding out if I actually love one or the other, but that would take time and effort and headaches. "Is there no other way?"

She laughs, "You could become a nun."

"Even better," I remark sarcastically. A nun or a married woman. Not a very good choice either way. "And, how do you propose I accomplish this without having them kill each other?"

"Tell them. They are not completely stupid."

Before I have a chance to answer, Tristan rides up behind us. "Care for a ride?" he asks me. Behind him, he leads a horse I didn't see before.

"Yes, thank you." I smile and excuse myself to Guinevere climb out of the cart and unto the horse. It feels good to be riding.

"There, see, you can smile after all."

"Shut up, Tristan."

"You've been a bit down. You didn't have a very good conversation with your guard did you?"

I glare at him. Why did he always have to see everything? "You notice everything don't you."

"That's my job, the silent and observant scout."

"Sometimes I wish you didn't."

"Ah, but then where would you be without my unattached perspective on your problem? You would be going insane right about now."

"You think highly of yourself, too highly in my opinion."

He laughs. "You need me, admit it."

"I do not."

"Yes you do. Who would talk sense into you?"

"I don't need someone to do that for me." I laugh. I don't know what I would ever do without Tristan. I probably go insane.

"See, I knew you needed me." We ride in silence. I think I have a plan worked out. I will do as everyone seems to be suggesting, talk with Conn and Gawain, it's just I hate to do so, I don't know why. I feel like I'm consenting to something that I don't want to consent to, I just don't know what it is.

"Look how's coming," Tristan remarks. "What a perfect chance to talk." I look up and see Gawain coming towards us. I glare at Tristan. He set it up, he had to have.

"Traitor!" I hiss. He grins.

"Someone had to do something. You're being a little testy about the subject. Left on your own, you'll probably runaway or something just to avoid the confrontation. Trust me, you'll thank me later."

"I doubt it." Tristan only laughs and pulls back as Gawain approaches me.

"Hello," Gawain says.

"Hello."

"Forgive me, but I must speak with you. Don't hold it against Tristan; he did it on my behalf."

I glare back at Tristan, he's still laughing. "It's okay. What do you need to speak to me about?"

"I know you do not love me, and I do not expect you too. I just want to let you know that my feelings are unchanged. I know I cannot make you love me; I just want you to be happy. If you choose me, I will love you. If you don't, I will respect your wishes and back off. No matter what you choose, I will love you, always."

I blink. This is unexpected. So completely different from Conn. Conn wanted to force me to love him, Gawain wanted me to do what I wanted. "Thank you," I manage to say. "It's a comfort to know that you don't pressure me into a decision." For a minute, I let my mind wander and I imagine what life would be with Gawain. He would let me be me; he would let me make my own choices. I shake off the day dream.

"You've chosen, haven't you?" Gawain asks.

"What?"

"I saw you with the guard yesterday. You've chosen him then?"

I'm speechless. "What? No, he… we just talked."

"He says that you two are betrothed."

"We are… were… we once were, it was a long time ago. I was young and he was young. He was my first love and I thought love could solve everything, it didn't and he left. We've grown apart, he just doesn't see it."

Gawain looks hopeful, "So you are still deciding?"

It nearly breaks my heart to break his. "There will be no decision. I don't wish to marry at the moment. I don't think I shall ever marry, but I do need a good friend. Will that do?"

Gawain thinks for a few minutes than says, "Friends will do. There is time, perhaps with time your feelings will change, but I won't press you to change them. I will respect your wishes." He bows. I am relieved. I had expected a larger reaction from him.

"Thank you," I smile. "I appreciate it."

He smiles back. I know he wants more, but he will not push me and will accept what I am willing to give. So unlike Conn. Conn wants an answer now and will not wait. I must talk to him next and I dread it. Conn will not be as understanding as Gawain. I ride with Gawain for the rest of the day. We have a fun time, like when we first met. Friendly, fun, and romantically unattached, I must admit that Gawain is very self controlled and honorable. At the end of the day, we break camp and I give thank Gawain for the lovely time. Gawain smiles and rides off for scouting duty.

Once Gawain is gone, Tristan appears again. He has a knack for appearing unnoticed and it is kind of unnerving. "So, it went well." There's a devilish twinkle in his eyes.

"We talked and I told him that we could be friends. He accepted it."

Tristan laughs, "Friends? That won't last for long."

"He will honor it."

"He might, but things have a funny way of turning out differently from what you expected. What about the guard? Have you talked to him?"

"No, why?"

"I saw him and he looked mad."

I sigh. He must have seen us. "Where is he?"

"I think he was riding out eastward." Gawain went that way.

"We have to get him."

"Why?" Tristan looks a bit puzzled. A first, but I don't have the time to enjoy it.

"Gawain went that way to scout. Conn probably went after him to have a talk."

Tristan begins to grasp what I'm saying. "By talk, you mean fight?"

"Yes."

"Let's go."

"Should we tell Arthur?"

"Later, we have to get there before your lovers meet." I can't believe that Tristan can joke at a time like this.

"Fine, go." I mount my horse and we ride off after Conn and Gawain. I pray that we get there before they kill each other. We ride out, Arthur notices and follows us. So much for the quite approach. We don't have to go far. Conn has Gawain cornered and unhorsed. Gawain has no weapon drawn and he stands silently, staring at Conn.

"Stay away from Alexa. She's mine."

"She's no ones," Gawain replies.

"Stay away from her."

"I think that's for her to say, not you," Gawain retorts.

"This is your final warning." Conn raises his weapon and prepares to strike.

"Stop!" Arthur shouts. They both freeze. "What is the meaning of this?"

The man I see before me frightens me. He's no longer the sweet, lovable Conn of my memories, but a stranger. "We were just…"

"Enough!" I cry. Everyone turns and looks at me. "Enough Conn. I don't even recognize you. What has happened? You would never have raised your weapon to an unarmed man."

"I've changed for you. Can't you see Alexa, I've changed so that I can be worthy of you." He turns and looks at me, darkness stares out at me through his eyes. Slowly, little by little, my memories that I've held so fond of Conn begin to melt and I am left with nothing but the ugly picture before me.

"I never asked you to. I loved you the way you were. I loved you when you were my Conn. Now, I don't think you even know who you are."

"Alexa, the boy I was would never have made it in this world. The boy I was never could have taken care of you. I needed to change to survive and make it so that I could take care of you. Can't you see?"

I look at Gawain, Tristan, and Arthur. They stare back at me. What do they want from me? "No, I can't. These men here didn't have to become like you to survive. They became themselves and they are fine."

"I did it for you."

I remember the first time he said he loved me. I remember how I felt like I could fly. I remember our first kiss, the shock and excitement. I remember and wonder how I could have felt any of this for the Conn before me. Everything I loved about him is gone and he cannot accept that. He blames it all on me. "Don't you dare blame this on me. I never asked you to change. I wanted you to stay with me, but you insisted on going away."

"Alexa, we're meant for each other. Can't you see that?" He turns all his attentions on me, a desperate plea in his eyes, a dangerous plea.

"We're through," I say. "We had a past, but there is no future for us."

"No," Conn shouts. "No!"

"Please, understand," I cry. How could it hurt so much to tell the truth and realize reality?

"No, you don't understand. We're meant for each other. We have to be together."

"No, we don't have to. We make our own choices. We change, we grow as people. People grow together and grow apart. We have grown apart. We will still have the past and we can still be friends but that's all."

"No!" Conn cries. "You don't get it."

"There's nothing to get. It's over Conn. Over."

Conn stares at me as if I've stolen his soul. "It can't be."

"I'm sorry," I say as I remove his bracelet. "Give this to the woman who deserves you." I hand it to him.

He says nothing, just stares at the bracelet. "I'm sorry." Conn looks defeated and I cry. I never wanted any of this.

"You'll be sorry," he finally mutters.

"Excuse me?"

"I'll make you regret this!" he yells at me. "I'll make all of you regret this." He snatches the bracelet from my hand and mounts his horse. "You'll regret this. I promise you that!" He kicks off and rides away into the forest. I stare after him. How could he be so mad?

"You did the right thing," Tristan says as he comes up beside me. "He'll get over it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, broken hearts heal. Every wound heals."


	23. Chapter 22

**Note:** Sorry for the slow updates. I am trying my best to finish the story. Well here's yet another poor chapter. Please read, and I hope it's not too bad. Thanks.

"_I have to fix it. I have to fix everything. I just don't know how…"_

_Excerpt from Alexandra's Journal_

I sit in the carriage again, thinking about Conn again. I feel so bad, almost as if I crushed him. I never pictured things turning out like this. I always thought that Conn would accept it and still be around and perhaps things could be somewhat like they were before the entire love proclamations. Tristan would tell me that that could never happen and tell me the reality of the situation, and I know he would be right, as he always is. I really dislike it when Tristan is right. I need to talk with someone, but not Tristan, someone more sympathetic.

"Good evening," I say to Arthur who is standing off by himself.

He nods at me. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"I have been neglecting you through this journey, I apologize."

"No you haven't. Besides, you have more things to worry about than talking to me. I have enough people to talk too."

"Tristan."

"Yes. He's more than sufficient to quench my conversational needs." I smile.

"Yes, you seem to have a way with most of my knights," he remarks.

I blush. "I don't intend too. I don't know what I did to attract their attention, but I really wish it would all stop."

"Perhaps escorting you should have been a solitary mission," Arthur jests.

"That would have been helpful."

"What's done is done. We can't change the past."

"No, unfortunately we can't." I remember Father, Mother, and everyone else. I would give anything to go back to that time where I was innocent and happy. The more I discover of the world, the more it saddens me.

"What are you thinking?" Arthur interrupts my thoughts.

"About the past. It seems like a lifetime ago. The person I was then was so happy and carefree, what happened to her? I don't even recognize myself any more."

"Things happen in life that changes us. When I was a boy, my life altering event was when the Woads attacked my village and burned everything. My mother was trapped in our house and she burned to death. I tried to save her, but I couldn't. I failed her like I've failed most of my knights. "

"We are a like, you and I. Both blaming ourselves for everything that happens. We must learn how to get over this flaw before we drown ourselves in guilt."

Arthur smiles. "Perhaps it is our education that we should blame. After all, we both had the same teacher."

"Perhaps, then again, do we really need to blame something?"

"No, but its human nature to place blame on something."

"I suppose you're right." We sit in silence. It is nice to just sit in companionable silence. We both know what we're thinking about and we both know that there is no need to say more. Father trained us both well. After a while, Arthur escorts me back to the carriage where Guinevere meets him and they go off together. I watch them go. They both are trying not to admit their attraction to each other, but anyone could see that their affections towards one another were mutual. I am not the only one to see them leave; Lancelot sees them and looks as if he smelt something retched. It finally dawns on me what's wrong with Lancelot, he is jealous. I stare at him. I never took him for the type to fall in love, but than he could be jealous that Arthur had found someone instead of jealous that Guinevere liked Arthur. He notices me watching him and he glares at me and stalks away. I have never in my life seen such a moody person. I shake my head and decide to go for a walk.

Conn crowds my mind again as I slip through the trees. His last declaration makes me feel uneasy. What did he mean by regret? I can only pray that he won't do something drastic. Fortunately, I am not left to my thoughts for long for Gawain finds me. "Good evening," I say.

"I'm sorry about your guard," he says.

"It's not your fault. He's just changed that's all. I had to finalize everything between us sooner or later; at least it's done now."

"I know how much you loved him."

I stare at Gawain. "You do?"

"Yes, it was obvious by the way you looked at him."

"Well, I may have loved him once, but those memories are just that, memories. They are sweet to remember, but the past eventually fades away."

"It's my fault."

I roll my eyes. Not another guilt claiming session. "Stop. It's no ones fault. It just happened."

"Do you regret your decision?"

"Which one? The one to let Conn know that there was no hope? No. I couldn't lead him on, it's not my nature."

"Is there any hope for us?" Gawain asks hopefully.

"Not right now," I reply. Not ever, there is no future for Gawain and I. That is something he just has to learn to accept. We come back to the camp. "Thank you for the company. Well, goodnight." I retreat back into the carriage. Guinevere isn't back yet, but I didn't expect her to be. At least someone was happy. The little boy isn't in there either. I look around and see him sleeping next to Dagonet; the large knight has his arms protectively drawn around the small boy. I smile, it is a sweet image. One wouldn't think by the look of Dagonet that he would be capable of such gentleness. He really is a gentle giant. I sigh and lay down in the wagon bed. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come. It has been a very interesting day.

I'm awake suddenly by a cry. I peak out to see what it is. Marius has the boy in his arms with a knife to his neck. "Don't move," Marius says. "You do and the boy dies." Marius's guards surround him and a few have Dagonet pinned to the ground. Fulcinia tries to make Marius let the boy go, but he just beats her away. I hear Arthur say something, but I can't make out the words. Marius just laughs and backs away. "Anyone move, the boy dies."

I hold my breath. What am I going to do? I can't just wait and watch as Marius kills the little boy. Guinevere isn't here, perhaps she will save him. Marius walks back, his guards falling back with him. The guards holding Dagonet down begin to move, and that's when I see him. Conn holds a blade to Dagonet's throat. "Conn?" I cry. He looks up and sees me. He turns from Dagonet and comes towards me.

"Get out," he growls, pointing his sword at me. I'm shocked, confused, and frightened.

"Conn, what are you doing?"

"Get out and come with me." Slowly, I climb out; keeping my eye on Conn like one would do with a wild animal.

"What's wrong, Conn?"

"Come with me," he grabs my arm and pulls me after him. "I got her, milord."

Marius grins. "Good, now come with me. I do believe it is time we left." He turns to Fulcinia. "I'm sorry my dear, but I do believe it's time that we part ways." He pulls the boy after him.

"Let the boy go," I cry. "Take me, just leave the boy."

Marius smiles. "So selfless, like your idiotic father. You will do I suppose." With that, he drops the boy and pushes him towards Fulcinia. "Come one, Alecto." Alecto stares at his father. "Alecto, I said come."

"No, I won't come."

Marius growls. "Alecto, come."

"I'm staying here."

"Fine, have it your way." Marius turns and walks towards a group of horses.

"Marius," a voice cries. We all turn around to look. Guinevere is the owner of the voice, and she stands with a bow drawn, her hair dancing around her like snakes. She let loose a bolt, which cuts through the air, embedding itself into her target. Marius falls, gasping, surprised, and shocked that a woman had killed him. Marius's guards stare at him.

"You have a choice," Arthur says. "Join us or join him." Slowly, one by one, the guards put down their weapons, all except Conn. "I said put down your weapons," Arthur demands.

Conn tightens his grip. "Conn, let me go," I tell him.

"I have to make you see," he says. "See how much you need me."

I sigh, here we go yet again. For some strange reason, I think about asking Arthur for self defense lessons, which would really save me a lot of time and effort and damsel-in-distress issues. "Let me go. We can work this out," I say. All I have are words; there must be some way to use them. "We can talk about this like mature adults." He ignores me. Okay the reasonable approach wasn't going to work. "What about your mother? Would she really condone this action? What would she be telling you right now if she were here?" He hesitates for moment. I have to get to him, some how. "She would be very ashamed of you. She would want you to remember what she taught you. She taught you to respect other people and do accept decisions made." That doesn't work, he tightens his grip.

I see the knights closing in on us. I shake my head. They stop. Arthur looks at me, asking what I was doing. I have to get through to Conn, I have to. I couldn't live know that I caused him to turn into such a person. I have to fix it some how. I try to tell them this with a look. They don't understand, but they back off, respecting my, somewhat, suicidal-like wish. Conn backs up and throws me up on a horse. He climbs up behind me and we ride away. I glance back to see the knights standing where I stopped them. Please don't follow, I will to them. Let me save myself. Conn grips my waist and we go flying off into the shadows.


	24. Chapter 23

**Note:**Thanks for the reviews. Well here is another chapter, I hope you find it okay. I will finish the story, even if I kill it or it kills me, I am determined to finish this story. Happy reading and thanks to all who reads this. 

_"It seems to be my lot in live to be annoyed, I don't know why though…" _

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal _

We ride, I'm cold and completely out of ideas. What was I thinking when I let Conn take me away? I can't save myself. Words don't seem to have any effect on Conn. I sigh and think, half wishing that the knights would come after me and half wishing that they wouldn't, I am torn. I know that if Conn is caught by the knights he would fight to the death, and, as annoying as he has been, I don't want to see him die. My only choice than, is to save myself so that Conn will be able to get away safely and all will be well in the world. Finally, after a very long ride, we stop and make camp. Conn ties my hands and sets me where he can see me at all times. 

" Conn, where are you taking me?" I start up conversation. 

"I don't know," he confesses. 

"Why take me? You know that knights will come after you and most likely kill you." 

"I had to do something." 

"No, you didn't." 

"Alexa, I have to make you see." 

"Make me see what?" 

"See me." He looks so sad. 

"But I do see you." I have no idea where this conversation is taking me, but I will go with it and pray that I will live through it. 

"No, you don't. I have to..." 

" Conn, shhhh... Let's talk." 

Conn shakes his head. "I will make you seeeverything clearly again. It was the knightsthat had you confused. It is only natural for young women such as yourself to get confusedwhen surrounded by men. I will make you realize your true feelings." 

I want to scream. Why can't Conn understand that no one made me change my feelings, they changed on their own. I take a few minutes to catch my temper before I speak again. "Do you not understand anything I say? I told you that we are over. I mean it, and it is not because of the knights that make me change my mind, it is time. Once, we were something, it was special, but time changes everything and that's the way life goes. You have to realize that and move on." 

He shakes his head. "No, no, no. We made promises." 

"We made promises, and we unmade them. Things like that do happen in real life. It was nice to live in our little world for the brief time that we did, but things rarely turn out as we wish them to be." 

"No, no, no." I watch Conn. His voice trembles and he paces. The look in his eyes brings to mind a wild creature that could pounce any moment. I watch him closely and prepare to defend myself if he decides to strike. He doesn't. 

"Listen, Conn," I start again. I try to make my voice as calm as possible and hope I can charm him like one does a frighten horse. "Everything will be fine. Let's go back to the main group and we will fix everything once we get back to the wall." I feel very repetitive, but whatever it takes to get Conn to understand my wishes. 

"No, we're not going back to the knights. We will go off on our own and live happily like we always dreamed of." 

I stare at him. Something is seriously wrong with Conn. We never dreamed of that. There was the fairy-tale fantasy of being together, but we didn't always have that. We were only engaged for three months before Conn rode away. And I didn't even know of his affections towards me until that time. I don't understand why he is holding to this so much. "Why Conn, why do you refuse to let go?" 

"I'm sorry," he suddenly blurts out. 

"For what?" 

"I can't take it anymore. I can't. I should never have left you. I should never have left you." 

I'm not sure which he meant. Leaving me the first time or leaving me to Marius. "It's okay," I say, hoping that he would take it for both. 

"I should have been there. I should have saved you." I stare at Conn. He has completely changed. He looks so different that I'm not sure who he is. What could tear at him so? I look at him, but he does not seem to see me. 

"What should you have done?" I ask gently. 

"I should have been there to save you. I shouldn't have gone off to find my fortune. If I were there, you would never have been put through all you have gone through." I blink. He's blaming everything that has happened on himself. 

" Conn, it wasn't your fault. None of it is." 

"Yes, it is. I knew what has happening to you at Marius's but I didn't do anything to save you. I led you back and placed you in your prison. I should have let you go when I ran into you in the garden. I should have done something other than obey my orders which were wrong. Even when we were being evacuated, I would have left you there because his lordship ordered it. I should have..." his voice falters and he collapses. 

All of the pieces fall into place, and I understand Conn's persistence in winning my affections. It was guilt. He felt guilty and he wanted to do something to fix it; to maintain forgiveness. His jealousy towards Gawain also made more sense. Where he would have left me because of orders, Gawain sought me out and saved me. " Conn, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you." I smile. I did blame him, I must admit, but I can see that he is worse off for it than I am. He looks up at me, somewhat happier. 

"Really?" 

"Yes, really. Now let me go." Conn blinks than the slight softness in his eyes melt away. 

"No. I told you I would make you sorry." I stare. There had to be something wrong with Conn. One minute he's the old Conn and the next he's the stranger Conn. 

" Conn, what's wrong?" 

"I always keep my word." Connis insane.I back away from him. I don't know what happened to him, but something changed him more than I could everhave. Therewas still the old Conn in there somewhere. The same old sweet Conn thatI fell in love with many years ago, but another Conn has developed and overtaken theold Conn.The new Conn scares me. 

" Conn, calm down. Let's talk about the old days." Iam loosing him fast. 

"Poor little Alexa, completely clueless." He mutters other things, but I can't understand him. It is almost asif he doesn't see me. I glance around me. I had to get away. The horse stands not to far from me and my hands are tied in the front of me so I have some use of them. I think of what Father would do. He would try to help Conn, but I'm not sure I can be as forgiving as Father. Conn needs help, but I don't know how to help him. I got through to him before, but I cannot put to much trust in that. What if he doesn't come around and he gets violent? What am I to do than? There is no way I can defend myself from him. I suppose the knights are probably tracking us at this very moment, but if Conn and the knights meet again, he will be dead. Looking at the broken man before me, I wonder if it was I who made him so. If so, I cannot let him be killed for purposes beyond his recognition. 

" Conn, you have to go," I say. "Go before the knights find us and kill you." 

He glances at me, confused. "Who?" 

"The knights. The knights." 

His pupils are large, and his eyes do not focus on anything in particular. "I love you. I love you and want you to be my wife, but I have to prove myself first." I stare at him. He is lost in time again. I sigh and go along with him. Perhaps I can get through to him this way. 

"No, no you don't." 

He put his hand over my mouth, "Yes, I do. That is why I have to go away for a while. I'm joining the army and make my fortune that way." He looks into my eyes, and I see the Conn I loved. 

"No, don't you dare!" I cry when he let me speak. "You'll get killed. It could take years for you to come back. I won't let you." 

"Alexa, I have too." He kisses me. "You must understand." He looks at me. I am lost. I forgot how much I enjoyed his kisses. Play acting wasn't good. It only confuses me more. If I'm done with Conn, how can his kisses still make me feel like I'm on fire? I shake off my thoughts and continue on with the scene. 

"Why? I don't want you to go." 

"I will be back. I promise you. I love you and not even Hell can separate us." 

He kisses me again. "Please don't go," I whisper, tears leak from my eyes and trickle down my cheeks. The pain feels as real as it did when he really left me. "Please." He says nothing; he just holds me in his arms. I sigh and lean into him. How I wish I could go back. Back to the time when we were happy and when the world seemed like a beautiful place. The naivety of childhood has its uses, and I wish I had never lost it. Everything gets so confusing when one grows up. 

"Alexa," Conn whispers. "Marry me." He holds me tightly in his arms. He is back in the present and looking at me, seeing me. I stay in his arms, afraid that if I moved away, I would loose him. 

" Conn…" I look up at him. It is my Conn staring back at me. I close my eyes and wish that everything would just go away, but I know it can't and I sigh. "I can't Conn. Can't you see? We had our chance and we lost it. Time to let it go now. Time to let it go and get on with our lives." I say these words slowly and pray that he will understand them and see the truth of them. He blinks and backs away. 

"Don't you love me?" 

"I did, but that was a long time ago and we are changed. Changed for the better. I think that is why Father advised us to marry later than we wanted because we were not quite grown up yet." I feel like a parrot repeating myself over and over again, but that seems to be the only way to get anything across to anyone these days. 

"I…" Conn stops. He is at a lost for words. I see something move behind him and I see Tristan and Gawain. I shake my head slightly, telling them to stop. Tristan sees and stops. Gawain looks at me and than at Conn. I see something in his eyes that I've seen so many times in Conn's, jealousy. It is then that I wonder if they had been there for the entire reenactment of Conn's departure so very long ago. Gawain pulls his bow. He had. 

"No!" I cry and throw Conn out of the way. God help me, I will kill them, I will kill them all. 


	25. Chapter 24

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews. Here is another chapter. I hope you like it.

_"I wait and wait, time seems to have stopped. I pray, oh how I pray..."_

_Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal_

An arrow speeds through the air. If life was fair it would have struck me, but it deems me an unworthy target and sailed safety passed me. "What are you doing?" I scream. I was close, so close to getting through to Conn, why did they have to come and spoil it all. Conn lays on the ground, stunned. He has no idea what I just done.

"Alexa, are you alright?" Gawain asks. At the sound of Gawain's voice Conn comes back to the present and jumps up.

"Gawain, I told you to stay. I can protect myself."

"Alexa, I had to save you." He looks at me. I want to slap him. Yes, the noble knight thing would have been to save me. Yes, I know he only did what he thought was best, but I really wanted to hit him. I'm not some damsel in distress that he needs to save.

"I'm not some damsel you need to save," I reply harshly. "I can take care of myself." Gawain looks stunned. Conn looks pleased. Tristan looks amused and offers me no assistance. I glare at him and he bows as if say that it was my problem and my time to prove that I can handle my own problems. I sigh. It's like beating my head against a rock trying to get it through Gawain's and Conn's heads that I am not ready for a relationship, not now and not in the near future. Why can't they seem to understand that?

Conn has completely recovered from his fall and stands facing Gawain. "Stop this!" I cry. "This is foolish. Nothing you do will make me change my decision. Just let it go."

"I can't," Conn says.

"Nor can I," Gawain confirms.

"Fine," I say, angry at them. "Do what you want. I don't care if you kill each other. I will have nothing to do with it." With that, I walk away, hands still bound. I feel their eyes on me and I wonder if they are confused or just ignoring me as usual. Why did men have to be so stubborn? Footsteps follow me. For a breif moment I imagine that it's Conn and Gawain coming to apologize for their behavior, but it's not. Tristan follows me.

"Fine show," he remarks as he falls in step with me.

"Just leave me alone," I reply.

"You don't want that. Seems your beaus are doing enough of that."

"What does that mean?" I turn and glare at him.

"You think you're so different, but you want what any woman wants, attention. Just not the kind of attention those young idiots think you need. You're more of a companionable attention."

Once again, Tristan made no sense whatsoever. "I don't know what you mean."

"You want a friend based romance. That's how it was with your guard and you still look for something like it. The idiots think you want them to prove themselves to you, but you don't. You just want them to be there."

"I suppose you have a point," I concede. Tristan knew he was right, I knew he was right. Although he might be a bit farfetched with the romance part, I still wanted to have them there for me as friends. Both of them had their good qualities, although it has been hard to see them. Conn confuses me, and he seems not well, but I think I can help him regain himself. It's just that none of them will let me help them. They won't be my friends; they want something more that I am not ready to give. "How do you know so much?"

"I watch, listen, and contemplate."

"Planning your own romance?"

"Never, I'm far too silent for a romance."

I laugh, "Silent?"

"Tis true."

"What do I have to do to make you silent?"

"You have no such luck. You need someone to knock down yourself pity walls and bring you into the light, that I will do gladly."

"Are you saying I'm selfish and pathetic?"

"Yes, you worry too much about your own dilemmas. It's time you get over that and see what else there is in the world."

Once again, I am insulted by Tristan's words, mainly because he's probably right, he's always right. But I'm not going to let him know that I think he's right, that would just go to his head and he would think too highly of himself. I sigh. Why is it that people can always see things about yourself clearer than you can? It is a pain in the behind if you ask me. Things would be much easier if they were less complicated. I look at Tristan, "What do you recommend that I do?"

"Move on and find better beaus."

"And who might those be? You?"

Tristan laughs, "Gods no, never me."

"You're not helping."

"Yes, I am."

"How?"

"I'm making you see things differently." Before I can laugh and make some snide remark, Tristan takes out his knife and faces me. "Care to loose those bonds?" I had almost completely forgotten about those.

"If you please," I say and hold my hands out towards him. He cuts them, pulls me up onto his horse behind him, and takes me back to the main group. "What do you think they are doing?" No need to say who they are, Tristan just smiles. I wait for him to remark, but he doesn't. "What is it?"

"I think they might be waiting for you." He points ahead of us. Gawain and Conn wait just up the trail. I sigh; I really wish they would all just disappear for awhile.

"Alexa, please accept my apologies, I did not mean to insult you," Gawain says.

"Me, too," Conn mutters. I look at the two of them, they look so pathetic.

"Are we going to get along?" I ask. "No more of this competition thing?"

"We shall try," Gawain says. Conn nods.

"Fine," I say and leave without another word. I'm too annoyed with them to talk with them at the moment. I climb back into the carriage and sigh. When was this going to end? The other knights come by to see if I'm okay and what not. I just nod and they go away, getting the sense that I want to be alone. Soon I have silence and I close my eyes and wish that I could sleep until we got back to the wall. Slowly, I drift off the sleep to dream of nothing.

The next thing I know, I hear a lot of commotion out side of the wagon. I pop my head out to see the knight preparing for battle. "What is it?" I ask to Lancelot, who is closest to me.

"Saxons," he replies.

"Oh," I say and watch as the refugees and Roman guards are organized.

"You men," Arthur said, pointing to the guards. "Take these people and go ahead. My knights and I will stay behind and hold off the Saxons. Do not argue and go as quickly as you can. Understood?" The guards nod. "Good."

I watch as everyone organizes themselves with surprising speed. Guinevere stands with Arthur, all regal and fierce looking with her bow. No surprise that she was going to stay behind and fight. Eight people against an army, not the best odds, but there is no telling what could happen. I look for Gawain and Conn. They seem to be getting along better now.

"I'm staying too," Conn declares. The knights look at him warily, but Gawain nods his approval and no one refutes Conn's offer. I must have slept longer than I thought or this is a dream. Conn and Gawain getting along for once, who would have thought that was possible. I shake me head, this was and interesting development.

"Surprised?" Tristan asks as he rides up. "Many people are. It seems that they have had a little chat and gotten over their differences."

"Good," is all I can say, for I have no words to describe what I feel. "Well, that certainly solves many of my problems. So you are going to fend off an army with only nine people? That should be interesting."

Tristan smiles, "We are all getting sick of this running, so we decided to go and face them. I think we have a chance, that is if Arthur's plan works out."

" 'If' not very reassuring."

"Never know until you try it. We're tough, we'll survive."

"I hope so," I whisper, knowing that I would mourn for any of them should they fall in battle. How I wished I had the skills to go with them and fight, but my skills are more verbal and theory based, which will not help much with blood-thirsty Saxons. "Good luck," I say to him as he rides off.

He grins, "I'll watch after your beaus for you." I glare and he laughs. The wagon jolts to life and we leave the knights, Guinevere, and Conn behind. I watch as they grow smaller and smaller and pray that they will be alright.


End file.
